A new year

I have been reticent to write this post. It has been written, edited, revised, changed, and hopelessly deleted numerous times in my head. While the purpose of this blog is for me to have a place to air my thoughts on everything from bags to stepmotherhood, it was a little more than a bit scary to air this particular subject on the interwebs. Seeing as how my sister and my mother (bless them both) found it challenging to keep this secret...well secret, I figured I might as well bite the bullet and write the damn post.

We're trying to get pregnant.

Trying being the operative word here. In December of 2008 I dumped the birth control and Adam and I started to get it on with giggle sessions afterwards where we wondered if maybe this time we did it. I've spent 13 months with my legs in the air (figuratively) while we gave it the old college try. My disclaimer here: of course practicing is fun! But we've practiced. No more dress rehearsals...I'm ready for opening night!

Some of you may remember my post from way back where I gave lil miss PCOS the big FU. And that was my covert (or perhaps not-so-covert) way of saying that all was not well in baby making land. In 13 months, we've been able to try 5 times. That's it. Damn PCOS. Three of those times involved doctors visits, medications, temperature taking, OPK taking, and tears. One med to start the period and another to (as yet unsuccessfully) stimulate ovulation. Rinse and repeat. Still no pink line or excuse to "eat for two." In that 13 months, friends and family members have gotten pregnant and had babies. I do not begrudge them this joy! I'm just jealous.

So I'm putting this out to Gusby as well as any of you who still read this. I'm working towards of a feeling of zen; a recognition that God has a plan; a healthy place. I may never blog about this again. Maybe I will. But either way, I promise to not inundate you with tales of the BBT or pee stick. If you pray, think positive thoughts, meditate, or have some extra luck lying around, I would welcome all of the above. I'm not giving up the fight (far from it) but as the calendar turns over to a new year, I will be reinvesting in myself and my health - mentally and physically. Can't hurt right?

Now that it is new years eve, my wish for 2010 is to have all of that practice pay off. I hope you all get whatever it is you're hoping for as the clock strikes 12. Happy and healthy 2010 to you all.

Christmas 2009

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

Christmas 2009 marked a very, very white Christmas. I don't know what the final snow total is but I think my back may know.

On Thursday morning we packed up the car with food for two family gatherings, gifts for two family gatherings as well as Christmas morning with Dante, two dogs, and two dog kennels. We left SLP, after I shoveled 5-6 inches from the driveway, walkway, steps, and deck, and headed to the in-law's in Burnsville. We arrived and got about half unpacked before I loaded the boy and Jasmine into the car and headed to Cottage Grove to attend the Christmas Eve church service with my Mom and Dad. It was a nice service where I saw some familiar faces and was able to focus on what the holiday means to me. On our way back to Burnsville the snow was starting to fly again and I was anxious to get back before the weather deteriorated.

I had Dante call ahead and tell Adam that I wanted him to pull the car into my in-laws driveway (since it's nearly vertical in its steepness). When I pulled up, Adam was waiting but I decided that since I had forward momentum, I should try. Well, I got it about 3/4 of the way up the driveway. As the kids and I were exiting the running car (E brake "on") so that Adam could try again, the car proceeded to slide down the driveway into the path of a moving car. Adam ran to jump in and hit the brake. As of now, we don't know if it was the break or just hitting flatter ground that stopped the car. Adam got the car in the driveway, put 2x4's behind the front tires and we proceeded to enjoy a festive evening with Adam's family.

We stayed the night in Burnsville with our pups...

*Jenny/Phil just asked me what I was blogging about and then told me to write that she just asked me what I was blogging about*

...so that if we didn't get home with the weather, the boys wouldn't be left to starve and hang in their feces. In the morning - Christmas morning - I got up early and got ready. I got the boys up and Dante opened his presents from Santa and we hit the road. The plow had gone by overnight so I was prepared to shovel at least the end of the in-laws driveway but Adam figured we'd have enough momentum to break through. We didn't. He shoveled us out. Finally on our way we headed to Eagan so that Dante could open presents from Santa (again) with his Mom. It appeared that Jessi's street hadn't been plowed yet in the entire storm and we proceeded to get stuck...in the street...about a block from her house. Dante ran in to start opening presents. Nearly a half hour later, Adam was on his way to plowed ground to wait while I picked up a plastic piece from the undercarriage of the car that was a victim of our white Christmas. I went in, watched Dante open his remaining presents. Afterwards Dante and I bundled up and hoofed it a few blocks to the car. This is when it started to sleet. Ow.

Eventually we made it to my parents house to spend Christmas day with my family. It was a great, quiet day although Kari (the sister) and Eli (the brother-in-law) didn't make it down from St. Cloud.

At the end of the day we picked up the dogs, all the crap and kennels, and headed home. We expected feet upon feet of snow in the driveway to find only a couple of inches. We were thrilled! Of course, with the snow/rain/sleet/shit we had received over the past 24+ hours that snow weighed A TON! We got it all shoveled up, salt on the walkways and were indoors for the duration.

And now, Phillio is here and she and Adam are boozing it up while playing Guitar Hero/Rockband as I write this. A fabulous cap to the Christmas holiday.

I hope you all had a great Christmas and were well spoiled.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

It's that time of year again! On the eve of December 22nd, while I check off my mental list of gifts already purchased and write a new list for that final trip to the grocery store, I thought it was time to post a blog and bid you all a happy holiday!

Rumor has it we're supposed to get 24 inches of snow over the course of 48+ hours. Right over Christmas. During our travel in and around the cities. Fabulous. I can't say that I believe it so much - those meteorologists tend to make things sound worse than they ever turn out to be. However, my Dad was pretty convinced, as evident in the following email conversation between himself, me, my Mom, and my sister:

Condor: 2 feet of snow?!?! Paul Douglas is going off the deep end. Kari if you make it down you and Eli better pack a bag. I'll get the sheets washed. 24 inches...really...

Mom: It's actually making me a little nervous with the driving you all will have to do.

Me: They always make it sound worse than it ends up to be.

Kari: Yuck. Makes me nervous too. Not to mention that Eli has to work Saturday morning...

Mom: Well, the weather people are always wrong so though I'm sure we'll get snow, it never seems to be as bad as they think it is going to be.

Me: Is there an echo in this email thread? :)

Condor: Regardless, the traveling will be extremely slow so you'll need to plan accordingly.

Kari: 10-4. That's cop talk for okay.

Condor: Pack your cars properly with the appropriate clothes, including boots, a shovel and music that will help to keep your blood pressure down. I hate to be the devil's advocate but I think they'll be closer to being right this time. Call it male intuition. [Male intuition? Isn't that an oxymoron?]

Me: Absolutely! I will have my flip-flops on and the coconut bra in the back. I'll make sure Dante wears long shorts instead of his high waters. Adam should be all set in his speedo.

Condor: This from a person who hasn't zipped up her winter coat, while wearing it, since 1984.

*chuckles* Merry Christmas to you and yours!!! May your holidays be full of similar chuckles and may you stay safe, healthy, and warm.

Kris

Traditions

I'm a sucker for traditions. If you know me and have been paying attention, you know this. The holiday season is the catalyst for the vast majority of the traditions I remember from my youth and am trying to instill in my little family for the future.

Dayton's/Marshall Fields/Macy's 8th Floor
For as long as I can remember, we've been going to the 8th floor auditorium of that department store downtown and walking through the animated story they have put on display that year. Afterwards we would visit Santa and maybe even get a cookie at the little shop at the end. I remember my Grandpa picking Kari and I up after school and then picking Grandma up to head downtown and meet my Mom after work. When we got a little older we did this on the weekends and the Santa visit was replaced by breakfast. For the last 8 years, Adam and Dante have joined us and slowly my family has dwindled out. This year we didn't go for the first time. Macy's doesn't seem to have the same commitment as Dayton's once had and they recycled last years (bad) display.

Christmas Displays
Every year we drive around looking at home Christmas displays. The Star Tribune lists them across the Twin Cities and I put together a route for us. We get coffee/hot chocolate, turn on the Christmas music, and drive around. We critique the displays and always talk about doing something similar at our house (but never do). We did this last night and saw some really good stuff!

Christmas Crafts
Every year, Dante makes Christmas ornaments for his aunts and uncles and grandparents. As a kid from parents that are no longer together, he gets more stuff than he knows what to do with. Years ago, I decided he needed to go through the work to give something back. He finished up this years project this weekend and at 10, he still enjoys it.

And I'm cuddled on the couch with my pups and my laptop enjoying another holiday tradition. Every year I watch White Christmas and enjoy the music, the dancing, and the simplicity of movies made in the 50's. There's something about Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney, and Vera-Ellen that puts me in the Christmas spirit.

So from my couch to yours, Merry Christmas! I hope you're enjoying some traditions of your own!

Viva vacation!

I probably should have written this blog yesterday when I was off work and lazy. But that's just it...I was lazy. So I'm taking a few minutes out of my first day back to share a snapshot of our trip to Cape Cod.

Adam's parents are incredibly kind and like to take us on vacations. This year we went to Cape Cod (via Boston) in order to enjoy the east coast and spend time with Michael and Patricia's friend. We spent about a day and a half in Boston proper and saw old cemeteries, Quincy Market, Cheers, the Museum of Fine Art, Harvard, and MIT as well as lots of other stuff via car and quick drive by's. We rode the subway (man I wish Minneapolis had one of those!) and walked a lot and enjoyed each others company.

While on the cape, we stayed with M&Ps friend and were able to walk along the shore of the Atlantic Ocean on Thanksgiving. We visited small cape towns and checked out their little store fronts. Speaking of which...we got a little Christmas shopping done too.

Adam received Reiki training so if anyone wants to let him perform it on you, let him know. :) I still haven't received a full session yet. I tried lobster for the first time and determined it gross and we were able to see Adam's aunt and two cousins for lunch in Boston on our last day.

I brought articles along and spent a lot of the day Thursday reading up for my literature review. Super fun times.

We had a great time as is usual. I was thrilled to finally visit the cape and hope to make my way back soon. Travel was a breeze with all four flights (damn layovers!) being on time. And we were able to come back to two very happy, relaxed, well cared for and loved pups courtesy of Ms. Jenny Lane.

Time to get to work.

Why is the stepmother always evil in Disney movies?

When Adam and I started dating 8 years ago, we reveled in the fact that Dante would never know a time when I wasn't in his life. We were thrilled at the idea that we wouldn't have to go through that awkward time where he had to get used to me and learn that I too would raise him, set rules, and even discipline him when necessary. We were happy that this would make our time through his childhood easier. And we were right, to a degree. He's never known anything else so has yet to question any amount of authority I may have. I haven't heard the dreaded "You're not my mom!" and yet I know that it is inevitable; that someday I will. We have worked hard to make our little grouping of three a real family with traditions and quality time whenever possible.

What we didn't foresee 8 years ago was that for all of the perks to having known Dante for so long, there would be things that I would miss. Things that would not happen or present themselves in quite the way that I was hoping for. For 8 years I have gone to Christmas concerts, school plays, and parent-teacher conferences. I have dropped him off at daycare and picked him up. I have stayed home and cared for him when he was sick. I've hosted birthday parties and even a sleepover. I've played Santa, the Easter Bunny, and doctor to numerous boo boos. I have been a mother.

But for 8 years, I have seen and been shown numerous pictures that have been drawn, worksheets that have been completed, and journals that have been written. And through the years, there has been one question consistently asked by every teacher in every grade. It is that question around who is in his family.

I'm never on that list.

This came up again this year on Thursday night. We picked Dante up from basketball practice at school and while he grabbed his coat and backpack, we perused the "about me" worksheets hanging in the hallway. For Dante's family, he had listed his Mom, his Dad, his sister, and "the rest of my extended family." I made a comment to Adam about it but not to Dante. Never to Dante. But apparently it was percolating because last night, it made a raucous appearance as Adam and I were cuddling in for sleep.

I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. (Hey, at least I'm not broken anymore, right?) It's not about expecting to replace his mother. It's about some recognition from Dante, no matter how small, that he sees me on par with his bio-parents. Just my name in that list would have been hugely important to me but to assume I'm wrapped in with "extended family" was a tough pill to swallow.

In my mind and in my heart I'm a mother. Plain and simple. And it's hard to not have the tangible signs that this is true.

Being thankful

Last night, I saw something on Facebook that made me smile. A friend had posted the following as her status and I in turn did the same:

Let's see how many people can do this. Every day this month until Thanksgiving, think of one thing that you are thankful for and post it as your status. "Today I am thankful for..." The longer you do it, the harder it gets! Now if you think you can do it then repost this message as your status to invite others to take ...the challenge, then post what YOU are thankful for today.

I love this. I love this because too many of us (yours truly included) tend to focus on the negative in our statuses. We're tired, we don't want to be at work, we're frustrated with co-workers and/or friends and the list goes on. What we don't take time to do is state what we're thankful for or happy about. So I took this challenge to heart and I will be focusing on the positive and my blessings for the next few weeks (and hopefully longer than that).

Normally I would wait to post my blessings on Thanksgiving but...

1) I'm thankful for my upcoming trip to Cape Cod for Thanksgiving! I'm thankful that my in-laws chose to take us all on this trip, for the opportunity to go somewhere I've never been, and to be able to have a change of scenery for awhile!

2) I'm thankful for my employment. At a time when the reported unemployment rate is 10.2%, I'm very happy to say that I have a job and a job that I love. I am thankful that I am consistently challenged and that my job has afforded me the opportunity to get a masters degree and (eventually) a doctorate.

3) I'm thankful for my friends. You know who you are. I'm thankful for your humor, your love for life, and the way that you make me laugh. I'm thankful for knowing that you all have my back should I pick a fight with a biker in Sturgis. No? Well, it was worth a shot.

4) I'm thankful for opportunity. Everyday I see opportunity whether it be the opportunity to save 50 cents at the grocery store "INSTANTLY" or an opportunity for a new challenge. I need to get better about taking them.

5) I'm thankful for Mr. Wonderful who wouldn't have this title without everything he does for me. Some of it is tangible and some of it is not but he puts a smile on my face everyday and makes it easier for me to sleep at night. Thank you Bradley Cooper! *giggles* Okay, srsly, thanks baby!

There's so much more and maybe that will be a part 2. Right now, I'm thankful for the fact that I'm on vacation in 4 hours. Huzzah!

Organized religion and that whole thing

When I was 4, my parents bought their first house and moved us to Cottage Grove. They had decided they needed the space to raise their children and build a family. My sister was born 2 months later.

When they had chosen where they would raise their children, they also chose a church. St. Luke was a small, relatively new church located a few miles from home. It is here that Kari (my sister) was baptised, where we both took first communion and confirmation, and where Adam and I were married. Over the course of all those years, we were active members with my Mom and I both serving on church council, running many, many Easter breakfasts, and leading a variety of groups and events. Today, my parents have been members of St. Luke for 26 years.

Back in August, the ELCA synod (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) voted to allow gay and lesbians in committed relationships to serve as ministers in ELCA churches. While I think it's a bullshit decision, it's not the point of this blog.

St. Luke council voted un-unanimously to withhold its benevolence payments to the ELCA as a stand against the decision. This council decision was not brought to the congregation for notification or discussion until this afternoon. An open forum took place today which allowed congregational members to speak out. While I wasn't there, I received the play-by-play from my Mom.

This whole mess bothers me. It's because of things like this that the majority of my generation says they are "spiritual, not religious" or that they dislike organized religion. It's when we take a social issue and build rules around them "in the name of God." For a church that had such a positive impact on my life and my family, I'm deeply disappointed that it has lost its way. While I'm not a member anymore and while I don't attend church anymore, it still greatly bothers me.

What's "Christian" about this whole mess?

I think I'm one of those really scary stalkers...

...or this is a fine example of the "small world" in which we live.

I'm leaning towards the former, for what it's worth.

So there's a blog I read that is truly a random chick from out in the interwebs with whom I would love to be friends. I am a follower and so I read her blogs on a regular basis and giggle at her quick wit. She's also on twitter and recently I've started reading her tweets.

Today I was reading her recent tweets and she had a congratulations tweet to some random. I don't know why folks, but I chose to click on the name and find out who this random is. Random #2 has a picture on her twitter page and she looked vaguely familiar. Lo and behold, she lives in Minneapolis. Now I'm really curious. She's not smart on the interwebs thing and announced the birth of her new baby with the full name...including last. So now that I have her last name *facepalm* I searched for her on Capella's intranet. Sure enough, she's a Capella employee whom I know (but don't work with).

So now the question, do I send her an email of congratulations and describe the stalkerish way in which I found her? Or do I let it go?

And we're launched!

It's official. On Thursday, October 22nd the project I have been working on for a year finally launched ... to silence. What's that you say? No hiccups? No fanfare? No freak outs? Nope, none of the above. Which is a good thing. A very, very good thing. It appears that for the most part, all systems are go. The environment works (huzzah!) and is being met with little fear or confusion.

*sigh*

Do you hear that? That, my friends, is what you call sweet relaxation.

It was touch and go there for awhile. I mean, think back to my post where I was told we had a 30% chance of success. Oy. And then the fact that I got sick ... deathly sick ... for the two days pre-launch and had to reschedule team training. But it's Sunday night and tomorrow I head back to work to start the two week post-launch clean-up phase. Yes, we'll find problems. Yes, we'll have some work to do yet. But I have dedicated Business Analysts and Developers to help get these things fixed and for that I am extremely grateful!

So what's next on the docket? Tomorrow night is a launch party happy hour and should be a great opportunity to get everyone into one room to thank them for all of their hard work over the past year. And soon, I will have some serious time off to dedicate towards my dissertation since my proposal is due no later than January 27th. Thank God. It'll be nice to get that hurdle behind me.

The holidays are quickly approaching and I love me some Christmas!

Things are looking up and looking good. I'm feeling a little more relaxed (and a bit pleased with myself too, I might add).

Onward and upward!

Mr. Wonderful

After 4 glorious days off (and a 5th if you count the work from home Monday due to a cold) of nothing more than hanging out with my main squeeze, I must say that he is a-maz-ing! I'm one lucky lady.

That is all.

I think this is what one might call an "epic fail"

We are two weeks from release of the authoring environment I have been working on for over a year. Two weeks. I'm now in an official state of "tizzy" where I'm currently running around trying to mitigate risks associated with data integrity/migration and the fires that are raging each and every day.

I have two days off making for a glorious 4 day weekend. It's a horrid time to be doing this but I'm burning out and burning out quick.

So, prior to leaving the office this afternoon, I decided to stop in the "war room" where all of the developers work. My plan was to check in and see if they needed anything from me prior to leaving on PTO. They were not at their desks so I smiled, waved to the project manager and said I'd be on my way. He responded with "let's have a seat and talk." Never, ever good. He proceeds to tell me that the final build of the environment...the build that will be used in the production environment as of October 22nd...is ready. The developers, business analysts and others were shut in a conference room this afternoon (when I visited) and they were "banging" on the environment doing some load testing. Okay, makes sense. He continues to tell me that when the environment is pointed at the dummy data, the speed was improved and everything was working fabulously. When they pointed the environment to our data (1200+ courses, 34 degree programs, 122+ specializations, 25+ certificates...) the environment crashes and burns. It burns so hard, there aren't even any error logs on the server to give any indication where the problem is.

I'm still not very alarmed. I mean, they'll figure it out right?

He proceeds to tell me that I shouldn't be alarmed...that he hopes he'll be emailing me while I'm out to tell me that they've found the problem, fixed it, and everything is hunky dory. Great! I say. So what are the chances I'm going to get this email? He says, 30%.

WHAT?!

He follows that up by saying that if worse comes to worst, we'll just fail the project and move onto a scalability build.

WHAT?!

I left the office in a daze realizing that an entire year of work could be deemed a failure. How did this happen?!

So tonight I sit here wondering what will unfold over the next couple of days. I'm still on PTO though I'm reachable and will be waiting with bated breath for every email that arrives in my inbox.

Say a prayer folks. Say a prayer.

It's all tied together

I can always tell when something in my life is a little out of whack (or at least different than the norm). If one aspect is crazy and a bit unpredictable, then the other aspects tend to suffer because my energy is no longer distributed across all of my responsibilities.

While work requires much more time, energy, and focus all I need to do is stop for just a minute or so and look around. My house is a mess. It is in complete disarray. Dishes need to be washed, laundry needs to be done and the floor (love my dogs but srsly!) needs a vacuuming very, very badly. That's just one aspect. Another is how I eat. I eat TERRIBLY when things get out of whack. Pizza, pasta, and sweets galore. Seriously, it's out of control.

For some of you there is the more obvious fact that my social life suffers and I don't see my friends as much as I need to or should.

Today is the day I take a deep breath get my house in order, do a little work, and take care of myself so that I can start the week in a better place than I ended the last.

My (not-so-secret) Secret

I absolutely love to be utterly, crazy-assed busy. I do. No matter how much I bitch and moan (and I admit that I do probably more than my fair share), I thrive under the pressure. As a high school student, my Mom once marveled that my grades were better the busier I was. Take for example the quarter I had school, confirmation, musical, work, and volleyball. It was, perhaps, my best academic quarter! (And for those of you who noticed volleyball in there, it is not a lie. It only lasted the one season.)

So now that work is insanely busy; now that I worked 12-16 hours over the weekend...including during Dante's football game; now that I set an alarm for 4:30 this morning and was at my desk by 6, I can still say that. I. Love. To. Be. Busy!

I had a work "date" with my boss last night. We have a big presentation this morning that we found out about late last week. We were checking in around 10pm to see what else needed to be done. She thanked me profusely (in capital letters, no less) and called me a "life saver" due to my willingness to help and the hours I've worked to do it. I love that.

Phil will easily guess what's coming next.

I also love this because my GOD how it makes my performance review THAT MUCH MORE AWESOME! For those of you who don't know, I heart performance reviews. I have never, not once in my life, experienced any kind of trepidation over a review. It is an opportunity, at least once a year, for me to revel in kind, wonderful things being said about - and to - me. I have said many times that I don't work for the job I have. I have it...it's not a challenge or a goal to be attained anymore. I work for the job I want. The next job. And the next job I want is my boss' job (she knows this).

So, on this chilly September Monday morning, I say to you, I am looking forward to this day!

You know it's going to be a long day when...

It's going to be a long day. I know this for a few reasons. The most obvious being that I left the house around 6:30 this morning and I won't return until around 10:30 or 11 tonight. But it doesn't stop there, folks. I also know this because on my way to the bus, walking 2 or so blocks, I stepped wrong on a rock in my cute, comfy wedges. I was carrying my laptop bag, a bag for my lunch and softball gear, and my purse so my weight was thrown off and I fell. Hit the ground on all fours. Skinned my knee and my palm. My wrists hurt and I have a general feeling of soreness throughout my body that will likely be a problem tomorrow or the day after. Fail.

Oh, there's more!

The hem of one leg of my new, but already too long, dress pants came out so now I'm constantly stepping on, and tripping on, the left pant leg. I look like a hobo. Stay tuned...there's probably at least one more fall in my future today. Fail.

Then, I attempted to log into a virtual meeting room and spelled my own last name wrong. Fail.

This was all before 8am. Fail. Fail. FAIL!

I blame my morning escapades on the fact that my mind is never quite in the moment and focused on what I'm currently doing. Work is crazy these days. Not regular "everybody is busy" and "companies today expect too much from their employees" kind of busy but "holy sh!t, I'm drowning in a sea of to do lists and gasping for breath" kind of a busy. The system launch I have been working on for a year now (it was supposed to be 3 months) is releasing on October 22nd. Prior to that date, I'm working on data migration into that system (and managing two - truly fabulous - temps), the communication plan, the training plan/development, demos, final requirements gathering, user acceptance testing, report mock-up reviews, and the general "get your asses in gear people" kind of meetings, one-on-one's, and emails.

Did I mention that this is in addition to my regular, full-time job?

I'm working every night and every weekend day and don't anticipate this finishing until after the system release. I'm not working on my dissertation at all because I have to be 150% focused on work. My ability to get together with friends and family is non-existent and that is the ultimate reason for this post.

Please be patient with me over the next couple of months. Please understand that it's not you, it's me. Know that it's not for lack of wanting to see you that we may go longer than normal between visits. Know that this is hurting me more than it's hurting you. :p

And just to point out the obvious...I've now just lost 15 minutes of my workday to the writing of this blog. And THAT wasn't so smart.

Public Transportation

Most of us undoubtedly have pretty good stories of unsavory or just plain not-quite-there characters on public transportation. I have a few. There was the tram between concourses in Paris where the guy sitting next to my sister-in-law smelled like a farm. Really, he encapsulated every stereotype surrounding Parisian hygiene. Or, there was the time while riding the light rail that I got invited to "take it outside" by a young "lady" because I took exception to her spitting the shells of her sunflower seeds on the train floor.

Today, I had another such experience. Unfortunately everyday downtown I witness numerous men and women who are homeless and wander the streets stealing spent cigarette butts and some cover from the rain and sun. Most of these individuals are also mentally impaired in some way. The majority of those keep to themselves and you may once in awhile hear them muttering to themselves but you can't quite make out what they're saying. And that's okay because I, like most people, would rather not hear it anyway. This morning, my bus arrived downtown and turned onto Nicollet. At the very first stop, a middle-aged gentleman boarded the bus. I'm relatively certain by the stories he was telling that he is homeless albeit one of the cleanest homeless individuals I have encountered downtown. He proceeded to speak at top volume so all on the double-length bus could hear his story. He just left the mission because his girlfriend kicked him out. She was upset because he couldn't keep it up. *insert requisite chuckle here* He then proceeded to ask everyone on the bus if they wanted some of the food he got from the food shelf. As he held up some canned ham he remarked that he didn't know why they give him this stuff since he has nowhere to cook it, damn it! Fo sho. During his harmless and funny diatribe, the bus driver kept chiding him saying "let's not disturb everyone on the bus" to which he'd reply "yes, ma'am" and continue with his story. All in all, he was actually quite a happy guy.

When I was standing at the front of the bus as it pulled up to my stop, the bus driver bid me good day and I said the same. She then apologized to me. I can only assume she was apologizing for the man who entertained me for 5 blocks. Of course I told her not to worry. No harm, no foul. But it got me to thinking. It's unfortunate that this display is embarrassing and inconvenient for those of us who work 9-5, pay a mortgage, and help our kids with homework. It's sad that the bus driver felt the need to apologize to me for another individual...one who she doesn't know, certainly has no control over, and generally was not a problem.

So while I still chuckle 12 hours after the fact, I continue to think about that lonely man who likely just wanted a friend or two to listen to his story and care. I think about the quiet woman who carries 3-4 bags around downtown with her everyday and quietly picks through the ash trays looking for a trace of tobacco. Or the slightly scary guy who showers twice a year and sports an impressive mass of hair atop his head that progressively starts to look like moldy cheese.

I should probably do more. But I'm awfully comfortable in my house thankful for what I have.

My thoughts on...bags

Bags are wonderful. They allow you to carry gear and they come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and purposes. You can have a backpack or a messenger bag. A purse or a clutch. You can carry items in paper, plastic, or reusable canvas. You can even imagine a bag of holding and carry EVERYTHING you ever wanted. Really, they're quite wonderful things.

So imagine my surprise when I happened upon a man in the skyway this morning carrying a bag with his BIKE in it. I've seen this before but it never ceases to cause me to roll my eyes and wonder why this is such a necessity. What's next? A bag to carry your stove in? In case you want a home cooked meal in the middle of the workday in your cube?

I am freaking out

In my new role at work, my biggest area for "improvement" is the ability to delegate tasks. I am like many over-achievers and seem to subscribe to the old adage that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. As part of a project at work, I have seized upon the opportunity to work with another individual and have them take on some of the tasks that don't really need my expertise. I wanted to do it so that I could get accustomed to delegating and I had to do it because I just couldn't complete those tasks with the other responsibilities I have.

Today it was proven, yet again, that I just can't trust others to do work. None of it is done and he was asking me "what were the instructions again?" I also found out today that he had passed some of the work onto another person. Now both of them are out sick.

I will be working the majority of the weekend trying to get these things done this weekend because they have to be ready for some temps that are coming in on Monday.

I really wish this would have worked out. I really wanted to have it proven to me that I could trust other people. Now what?

Oh happy place, where have you been all my life???

I'm starting this out by sending a few apologies out to some of my friends. I know I was a total jerk face this weekend by generally cocooning in my hovel. I'm sorry about that...I just reallllly needed some quiet time I guess. But perhaps you'll forgive me once you know that it was an amazing wonderful weekend. Yesterday was low-key and after my brain aneurysm of hate (re: previous blog) it felt good to just be. How very zen of me. Phil, are you proud?

Today I spent the day cleaning. My plan was to just do the standard vacuuming/pick-up/make presentable kind of clean. Instead, I attacked the house like a homemaker on crack. I cleaned every square inch of the main level and put the new vacuum cleaner to work. I still don't know whether to be pleased or utterly disgusted by the filth it pulled up. Oh well. I went grocery shopping and planned our meals for the week, cut up fruits and veggies, and all-in-all did a great job of prepping for breakfast and lunch-taking to work.

The laundry is just finishing and I will fold and put it away before cuddling up with a good book and falling into a comatose-like sleep.

I feel a bit refreshed and renewed and ready to take on a particularly stressful week. I didn't do the work I needed to this weekend but I'll be okay by my meeting in the afternoon. If I'd have gotten THAT done, I'd be running naked through the streets in a state of delirium. Thank God I didn't get it done, eh? :)

I raise a glass (sugar-free Kool-aid anyway) to all of you and hope that you all had wonderful weekends as well. I miss you all and hope that my funk has been banished to the depths of hell.

Dear PCOS

Dear PCOS,

You really piss me off. Even your name - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - sounds like a stab in the gut. I'm really tired of your bullshit so I would like to request that you kindly go fuck yourself. Your insistence that I constantly carry around extra poundage, that I suffer 13 year old-esque acne, and your commitment to trifling with my monthly cycles is really enough for me to hire a hit man to hunt you down and punch you in the wiener. Because yes, I'm convinced you're a man. No woman would inflict this on another.

I've had enough. I have things I want to do and you keep getting in the way. The blood work, the numerous medications, and the inability for any medical professional to explain where you came from are making me tired. It doesn't matter to me that it's relatively common. It matters to me that that quite frequently I feel like a man. Really, the hirsutism (excessive hair growth) is only welcome on my head. I guess I should "thank" you for that. Meh!

So I would like to disrespectfully unsubscribe from this crap you're selling. This letter shall mark the severing of our "relationship." So again, kindly go fuck yourself and leave me the hell alone.

Sincerely,
Kris

I love my job. No really!

I love my job. It wasn't what I thought I'd end up doing...just kind of fell into it. But I love it. I love that what I do so positively impacts others. That what I do holds some meaning. I enjoy the complexities of my job and the opportunities it affords me. I mean, how many people get a masters and a doctorate for free? Yeah, that's what I was thinking too.

So how come, these past few weeks, I've been so disengaged? I'm going through the motions, spending a little too much time on Facebook, and wondering when it's going to get exciting again. And that's not really fair. It's exciting right now! I'm just not into it.

You don't know it but I just paused for a good 20 seconds as I pondered the purpose for this post. There isn't one. Sorry about that. I guess I just needed to vent. Or was it that I was just looking for another way to piss away my day?

Being restless

Are you ever restless? Like there's something missing but you can't quite put your finger on it? I've been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now. I'm generally "meh" with a side of "blah." I yearn for a day to do nothing and yet when I get one, I'm itching to find something to do. Only nothing ever seems to fit quite right. So I sit being restless never quite able to come up with a fix.

Maybe it's the weather (the calendar says it's July but I don't believe it). Maybe it's my job (but really, there are a lot of new and exciting things going on). Maybe it's the whole Jazzy situation. I don't know. Just wish I knew what to do about it.

What do YOU do when your restless?

The whole situation sucks

No one faults us for not letting Jasmine live with us anymore. We do, though.

Yeah, last night we packed up her things and returned them to her at her Grandparents house. We both had a very, very hard time with it but it wasn't even the saddest part of the night. The saddest part was when she told her Grandmother and the response was, "Well, where will you live?" Ugh. No one wants her.

And so it goes

So I'm not entirely sure how to start this blog. On the 4Th of July we didn't celebrate freedom at our house. In fact, we were on lock down. Bear with me as I tell the story.

Jasmine wanted to go visit her grandmother on the 4Th of July. Because her attitude has been progressively getting worse and because we had suspicions around where she really wanted to spend her time, we said no. This started earlier in the week and she became more and more sulky as the days wore on. When she saw her grandmother for their weekly visitation (Tuesday through Thursday) she decided to leave her things there instead of bringing them home which immediately set bells off for us. A 15 year old girl - Jasmine especially - having no desire to bring her make up with her?!?! Impossible! On Saturday, she spent the majority of her morning and early afternoon cuddled up with a teddy bear with the occasional tear streaming down her face. While this is sad and pulls on a gals heart strings, it was an act and I treated it as such. I'm heartless, doncha know.

By late afternoon, Jazzy was a mess and everything went downhill from there. She became belligerent and started screaming her demands. Blood-curdling screams that quite honestly, I have no idea how to handle. She was banging on the new furniture I had just bought and trying to run away. She tried to push me away from the front door so she could leave. When that didn't work, she tried to break out one of her bedroom windows. When Adam stopped her from doing that, she proceeded to starting hitting him - in the neck, the stomach, and the arms. She got one window open and proceeded to scream at our neighbor - who was minding his own business by walking across his driveway - to "let her out." I'm not saying I kept my cool during this entire mess. In fact, she elicited reactions from me that are not part of my personality and which I don't particularly like. But through it all, I tried to talk soothingly to her. I tried to cuddle her, to tell her I love her, and to try and calm her down.

In the middle of WW III, Jasmine admitted to more transgressions where she was still speaking to the 20 year old boyfriend. Things we have suspected for awhile (Adam even more so than I) but couldn't prove. She has a second My Space account that is a secret that she uses to communicate with him. Adam was sure of its existence weeks ago but I wasn't convinced. Goes to show who's better at these things. So herein lies the crux of the issue. It wasn't her grandmother she wanted to spend time with...it was EJ. We knew it and it's why we tried to prevent it.

After awhile of this (it could have been 15 minutes or 3 hours...I don't really know) both she and Adam were broken. She in her room, he on the deck, and both looking like they had died a little inside. Maybe a bit dramatic of a statement but I soon realized that this couldn't go on. Not even for a few more minutes. I told her to get her things together and proceeded to drive her to her grandmothers. I made it very clear to her that she wasn't going because she wanted to but because I didn't want her in my house. I told her that Adam and I have worked very hard to create a loving, stable environment for ourselves, for Dante, and now for her and that I'd be damned to let her ruin it. I told her she needed to do some thinking and that tomorrow (Sunday) we would talk it out over dinner and she could decide if she was going to shape up and live with us or if she would be elsewhere. Her psychotic, abusive behavior is not welcome in my home. I still smart over that decision. I think it was the right one for everyone's sanity, but the Taurus in me hates that she got her way by throwing a tantrum. I wouldn't do it differently but it still doesn't sit right. Adam and I spent the rest of the evening caved with our computers both so emotionally and physically spent, we nearly went insane.

On Sunday afternoon I called over to her grandparent's house to inform her that we would pick her up later that afternoon to have our promised conversation. She wasn't there. Turns out, she threw another fit for her grandparent's (the story is disjointed but it sounds like they backed us up) and left to spend the 4Th with a "friend" she hasn't spoken to in months. A 15 year old friend who recently found out she's pregnant...again. She went to fireworks and stayed the night...supposedly. Grandma called her and Jasmine called me to inform me that no, she wasn't coming home tonight. She hadn't yet made a decision. I lost my cool again, right in the Southdale parking lot.

We haven't seen her since Saturday...haven't talked to her since yesterday afternoon. Our home gradually released the stress and became a quiet, peaceful place again. My husband is starting to smile again, and I'm starting to wonder what exactly GUSBY has planned. Adam doesn't think he wants her back. He's probably 95% sure he wants to pack up her stuff and return it to her whenever she calls regardless of what her decision might be. I'm on the fence. Either decision is a good decision for different reasons and either decision is a bad decision for different reasons. There is no right decision here. Sure, there's a right one for us and probably a right one for Jazzy but I don't think those are one and the same. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that she will decide she wants to come back. Not because she's willing to give EJ up and change her behavior, but because she has it better with us. She gets new things and is given new opportunities. She's not so stupid that she doesn't see that.

I never expected this to be easy but I never expected it to be violent. Call me naive. I love her as if she were my own but I don't think I can help her. The problem is that not only can no one help her, nobody wants to. And then how can I turn my back?

Preparing the "nursery"

When parents find they are with child, preparation of the nursery begins. Mothers choose paint colors, furniture and "themes" while Dads are usually delegated to make it all happen. There is much anticipation involved with the nursery. Will he/she like it? What is more masculine or feminine (as the case may be)? Alas, we're a bit late but tonight I made a trip to Target to prepare the "nursery" for my 15 year old "baby."

A few weeks ago she chose her own bedding. A blue/green set featuring butterflies. She talked about two blue walls and two green (which is yet to actually come to fruition). Adam promised her name, in graffiti, on her bedroom wall. She requested that be in pink. We acquired a hand-me-down desk from Nana and Papa and she is using our futon as her bed.

Tonight I went to Target and purchased one of those handy cube things for which I bought four pink fabric drawers. I bought a desk lamp, a couple basket/drawer organizers, and a mirror...all pink. We will put together/fix furniture and put in the finishing touches prior to her return home tomorrow evening.

Her room. Her very first room is starting to shape up. In her future will finally be paint...maybe some new curtains...and more finishing touches.

New friends

I am a very lucky girl. In recent months, I have made a few new friends and they came at just the right time. I was starting to wonder if I had gotten to an age where I would make few, if any, new friends. And being that I've always been better at being "one of the guys", I think it's pretty awesome that they're women. I enjoy a good girls night out and the conversations that result.

My social life has picked up and that's never a bad thing.

But don't get me wrong. Old friends are pretty damn good too. So between the new and the old, I feel very blessed to call these people my friends. Special shout-outs to Phil, Kim, and Lisa! <3>

The dumbing down of the world

Some call me the spelling and grammar Nazi (won't it be awesome if you find spelling and/or grammar errors in reading this post?). I believe email, text messaging, Twitter, Facebook, and other communication mediums are, in essence, creating an entire generation of lazy asses. Mind you, I partake in all of the above (save for Twitter since really, you all get enough of my thoughts via the blog or Facebook) but I do so with complete and coherent sentences. If I make a typo in my FB status, and notice after publishing it, I will go back and change it because I just can't let it sit out on the interwebs when it's incorrect. I feel like it makes me look like a complete moron and I know that it does because, well, that's what I think about everybody else.

Case in point. This morning I was schooled. Schooled by a drunk. When I informed her that her FB status didn't make sense, she informed me that I needed to be there to get it. No, no I didn't. instead of "is", she typed "4s." THE '4' KEY ISN'T EVEN BY THE 'I' KEY!!!

I'm a judgmental prick. What can I say?

Sensitivity training: count me out!

Oh lordy lordy! Never did I think things would get this bad. Never did I think things would become such a big deal. Never did it occur to me that my coworkers were so incredibly delusional and petty. Disclaimer: I realize that by some people's definitions, I would also be considered delusional and petty.

I work in a relatively small department; allow me to paint a picture for you. There is the boss and coming down from there is a relatively flat department. There is a supervisor (she does operational type stuff) who has two direct reports who are the jacks of all trades of our group. Also coming down from the boss is the rest of us. Myself and one other individual have the illustrious word "lead" in our titles but really, no one really knows what that means. The rest have the same title just minus the ambiguous qualifier. Do you see the picture?

So this department is about 4 years old. In that time, we've had 6 bosses (no joke). I have been employed by Capella for 8 years. For a company started in 1993, you have to admit that's pretty damn good. Anyway, our group is an eclectic bunch. When your group of 10 is made up of a Jew, a gay, an ex Minnesota Vixen player, natives of France and Pakistan, a bible thumper, "the plant lady" and the soft spoken church mouse then you have some work on your hands. And no, I was not included in that list...quite obviously. Case in point our last "real" boss was a big fan of "everybody is the same and you're all equal so regardless of the amount of work you do to make yourself stand out, I'm never really going to acknowledge your superior work." As you can imagine, this in turn created a group of individuals who, for the most part, truly believed that everyone was as good as they were and that they were just as good as everyone else. But I'm sure you know where this is going. Everyone was not equally great. The department success was carried by three individuals (as was apparent through such metrics as "volume of work" and "award recipients." It took a long time but when the new boss came on, she began to recognize these differences much to the dismay of some and glee of others.

Roll all of this up, let it simmer for 8-12 weeks and then bring the team together to talk about community and collaboration. What are you going to get? A group of individuals (though, to be fair, only two were vocal in the conversation) who want to plan an off-site retreat for the team in order to strategically plan our departmental culture. What does that even mean??? Because if you want to know my blunt opinion on what our departmental culture should be, I will tell you this: "An environment that recognizes, values, and rewards hard work and determination." Or " A department where not all people are created equal." Or even, "A department that requires the slackers to ramp it up or get the hell out." But I'm pretty sure that those would be considered wrong answers. So where does that leave us?

If this group or individuals is allowed to say "we want it!" then shouldn't I have the right to say, "no thank you very much!"? I should think so! We've spent four years saying "yay you!" and never anytime coaching and respectfully pointing out areas for improvement. I'm tired of that. I don't have time for it. I screw up and when I do, I say hey buddy, sorry about that. My bad. I take responsibility and if someone gets a promotion or recognition that I would have wanted, I realize that there are probably some things I could do better and then I do it!

A lot has been said about our generation and our children. Apparently we're raising girls with princess complexes and boys who think they're amazing no matter what they do. We're allegedly not teaching them right and wrong and instead claiming that everything is a gray area. We're insulting their intelligence simply by buying into this whole politically correct "machine." And I hope to God that I don't do that and that none of you will either. No, don't raise jerks. Raise them to be compassionate but smart, fair but able to recognize and accept that life isn't fair.

So when this retreat happens (oh, and I think it's a given), you'll catch me in the corner, silently rocking as I mumble to myself and try not to spew all of this all over my coworkers.

They should report to Michael Scott.

Sometimes it's for keeps

It's official. As of this writing, it is official that Jazzy will be living with us for the duration. 4 years to be exact. Jazzy didn't pass 9th grade this year. She did great work in the last quarter but it wasn't enough having failed the previous three. So in the fall Jazzy will start as a freshman at St. Louis Park High School. She will live with us and while it's a little bit scary for yours truly, it's a good thing. I enjoy her, and she appears to enjoy us.

Next up is actually getting her some furniture and decorating her room. She's never had her own room before and I want her to be able to have a comfy space that's all hers. She'll have a relaxing summer splitting her time with us and with her grandparents (though I doubt that will last the entire summer). We're going to get her signed up for dance lessons and hopefully find her a part-time job. The busier we keep her, the happier she'll be and the less likely she will be to get into trouble. Here's hoping anyway.

So stop on by and meet the newest addition to our family. :)

Girl meets boy, boy is old, mean aunt and uncle break up boy and girl

Life is never dull with a teenager in the house. Jasmine is a sweet, caring, intelligent, and funny young woman. In a very short span of time (a month?) she has shown that she is incredibly insightful and is far smarter than what she has led her teachers and grandparents to believe. I say all of this to offset the times when I could literally pick her up and wring her neck! Oh don't get me wrong. I fully understand and appreciate that life is tough when you're a 15 year old girl. Because for those of you who don't know, I was one of those too. And she's in love. Remember 15 year old, head-over-heels, die-without-you love? I do. And so I understand why she was hysterical when she was banned...again...from the object of her affection. See, Adam and I aren't stupid. But the fact remains that we were trying to give Jasmine the benefit of the doubt and she kept pushing and pushing and telling so many lies that it came to a head last night.

We met with her teachers in the afternoon to find out how she was doing and what still needed to get done this school year. All in all, it was a positive visit. They have seen a marked improvement in her grades, participation, and overall demeanor. I would say that's the definition of success! Towards the end of the meeting I decided to ask them if they knew about her friend Ricky. We have been very suspicious of "Ricky" for various reasons. He came out of nowhere and was now "using" the phone of her ex-boyfriend (the 20 year old). When I had asked her grandmother about him the previous day, she hadn't heard of him. The teachers hadn't either. So when we got home I asked her about Ricky and how she met him and she continued her lie so Adam proceeded to call Jasmine's Mom. While not able to raise Jasmine and act as a mother, Jasmine tells Mary everything. And Mary confirmed that "Ricky" was indeed the 20 year old boyfriend as we suspected.

I'm sure you don't need the details of what happened after that. Heated discussions, fighting, tears, threats, etc. I tried to reason with Jasmine; to explain to her why a 20 year old shouldn't be with a 15 year old. I tried to relate to her; to explain that I too, at 15, was utterly in love with a 19/20 year old. None of this worked. We're relatively certain she, and he, already have plans for how they will talk to and see one another.

Maybe we'll get a day or two of peace before all hell breaks loose again.

Stupid #$%@ cashiers...

Short post tonight. Earlier in the day Adam and I piled the kids (Jazzy, Dante, and Sophia) into the car to head to the zoo. Never mind the fact that the zoo was so packed, we couldn't get a parking spot and ended up going straight home. Totally dumb. Anyway, on the way out, we stop for gas. I go in with my trusty coupon (courtesy of Cub) and decide to purchase drinks and candy for the kidlets because I'm cool like that. Allow me to replay for you the conversation between myself and the cashier.

Kris: *piles 4 drinks and 2 packages of candy on the counter*
Cashier: *under his breath* Hmm....you have a sweet tooth.
Kris: Well, I have 3 kids in the car.
Cashier: Oh you DO, huh?

Um, excuse me? Do I need snide remarks from a cashier at Holiday? I don't think so! What an ass.

So today was our 6th anniversary. It was a beautiful day spent with the kids and Adam started building me flower boxes! Hurray! I'm such a lucky girl. :)

The 5k, the big 3-0, and other such happenings

I am sorely behind in chronicling my experience at finishing my first 5k. Adam, my Mom, Kari, Eli, Phillio, and Princess ran, walked, and wogged the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on Sunday, May 10th. Adam and I were the "woggers" although it was more walking than jogging. Seeing as how the training was nonexistent, I had to accept my own limitations. However, I finished it and that's what I was aiming for. AND I did it in less time than I had hoped! So all in all, not a lot to complain about. The race was huge - about 50,000 people - so I didn't really like how crowded it was but at least that meant that there were plenty of people behind me! The race was on Mother's Day so I think she was sufficiently pleased to be doing a 5k with her daughters so there was a bonus! I remember way back when, she would sign us up for "fun runs" and really wanted us to get into it. Neither of us did. The day after the race, my parents found out that a friend of theirs had just been diagnosed with stage one breast cancer. Caught very early, there's no doubt that she will kick it. But it was very poignant and made my Mom very glad we chose that race.

On Monday, I will turn 30. I won't have completed my list but I'll have gotten closer to having done some things I really wanted to do and made a little bit of progress to improving myself. So I'm satisfied. I always find it ridiculous when people say that they have "no regrets" about their lives or decisions they've made. I don't believe them...sorry if you're one of them. I don't beat myself up everyday over the mistakes that I've made but I also wish things would have been different. So now at 30 I can say that despite my mistakes and regrets, I'm pretty proud of myself. And hell, I've got decades to try and get it right! :) Saturday night I will be surrounded by friends and family to celebrate my birthday. I'm looking forward to that and a big piece of cake.

Things are going well with our niece. We've had a few rough nights of fights and disagreements but she's still chugging away on her schoolwork. Maybe we'll get her pass the 9th grade. :)

So for those of you who are new and old friends and family, I <3 you. Thanks for being in my life and bringing to it that something special. I'm truly blessed.

Home alone!

For the first time in two weeks, Adam and I are home alone in our new place of residence. Dante isn't with us this weekend and Jasmine is off with my in laws for a weekend of...staring at the wall. We could have kept her for the weekend but we're still getting used to this full-time parenting thing and we need some time for the quiet and each other. I feel a little bad saying that but there it is. I suspect we'll get more and more used to this life now that we're in it.

My MIL came to pick Jasmine up this afternoon. Prior to her arrival, Jazzy and Adam had a nice long talk about life, boys, and growing up. From what I hear, it was a great opportunity and they covered a lot of ground. By the time the MIL showed up, Jazzy was packed up and ready to go for the weekend. We already knew she wasn't overly thrilled since she thinks it's boring to be with them but she was in pretty high spirits. Upon first seeing Jazzy, my MIL immediately started in on her about the necklace she was wearing (the 20 year old ex-boyfriends necklace) and from then on, things were not so happy between them. In fact, I rarely see two people so unexcited to spend a weekend together. When Adam brought out Adam's homework and started going through what needed to be done this weekend for MILs benefit, it was met with a little sneer and whiny "But it's the weekend. I don't want to do any homework." This from my MIL. Jazzy didn't complain. But she does. Here in lies the problem folks. Why in the world would she be so unwilling to help her granddaughter pass the 9th grade? The only thing I can figure is that it was a response to the fact that she has a history of having major fights with Jazzy where homework is involved. Understandable but still not okay. So, we gave Jazzy the direction we know she needs and we gave MIL the direction we hope she uses and now we just cross our fingers.

So on tap this weekend are a few things. We certainly won't be sitting on the couch watching movies and eating ice cream. Tomorrow we'll be working lots on the bathroom with hopefully finishing mudding and then sanding and hopefully we'll at least get a coat of primer on the walls. I was hoping to get the painting done too but I'm losing my optimism. Sunday we "run" our 5k and then do Mother's Day celebrations with my Grandma and Mom, and then with the MIL. Upon returning Sunday night, we'll have Jazzy in tow. Hopefully her homework is done.

Maystones

I'm copying Phil. Most of you know this because no doubt you've already read her blog. I loved so much hearing about all of her milestones in the month of June, I thought it was time to describe what I fondly refer to as "the month of Kris." The rest of you may know it as May.

May 10th - Mother's Day. No, I haven't birthed any biological babies but I've been a step mom for 7 years now so I figure I can claim the day.

May 18th - Celebrating 30 years of "being alive" as it was so eloquently stated by the Lanemiester (How do we feel about that nickname? Will it catch on?).

May 24th - Celebrating 6 years of not killing each other. That is, Adam and I will celebrate our 6th anniversary. How the hell did that happen?

And if you'll humor me just a tad (again, to copy the Lanemiester), on June 4th, I will celebrate (?) eight years with Capella. Eight official years that is. If you count my contracting time, I'll be halfway to 9. How did THAT happen?

It's no wonder I love spring. :)

Hmmm....full-time parenting

So not only did we move in the past two weeks but we took our 15 year old niece into our home for the next 4-5 weeks while she finishes out the school year. Seeing as how she currently resides with my in-laws and we moved into their old place, she doesn't need to switch schools at the very end of the year. This all started on Sunday night. Jasmine (Jazzy as she likes to be called) has had a rough life...no doubt about it. Long, long story short, Jazzy's father (my brother-in-law) is in and out of jail/prison with a drug problem. Her mother abused and neglected her as a child before she was taken away by Child Protective Services when she was 3. Jazzy still talks to her but her mother still isn't capable of taking care of anyone.

Enter Adam and Kris, stage right. We're hoping we can have some sort of impact on her life over the next month. Probably wishful thinking but it's worth a try. I would like to regale you with an overview of our first 4 days together...

Monday - Jasmine's first day ever of having to get herself out of bed and out the door to school. I'm off work but I dropped Adam off at school and headed straight to Eagan to clean the old place after we moved all of our crap out. I call Jasmine to make sure she's up (which she is) and remind her to put the dogs in their kennels and lock the handle on the front door as she leaves. At approximately 7:40, already in Eagan, already having vacuumed a couple rooms, I notice I missed some calls. It is Jasmine. She has locked herself out of the house with no socks on and has now missed the bus. I hop in the car and drive allll the way back to SLP (pissed as all hell) only to arrive and discover OH MY DEAR GOD THE KEYS I WAS GIVEN DON'T WORK ON EITHER LOCK TO EITHER DOOR!!!! So I proceed to dump her in the car (ranting and raving the entire time) and head to Adam's school. Because folks, Adam wasn't answering his phone. It was charging in his locker while he was welding. Upon arriving at school, I march into the Weld lab and complete confuse him and at least one other random guy. I get his set of keys and head back to SLP where we did indeed get in the house and were greeted by two dogs who were thrilled we were home! So I get her to school, nearly an hour late.

Tuesday - I'm still off work, trying to get everything cleaned in one place and just making everything dirtier in the other. Jasmine calls me from school and leaves me a voice mail about wanting to go to Applebee's with her friend after school to celebrate the friend's birthday. "They'll pay for me and drive me home!" and all I need to do is call the school back and leave a message and they'll tell her if she can go or not. Being the totally awesome aunt, I decide I'm going to let her go. For those of you keeping track, this is my first mistake. So I call the school and say that I'm returning a call from Jasmine. They proceed to pull Jasmine out of class in order to take my call. I'm so not OK with this. In any event, I tell her she can go, that I want her home by 7 and if she's going to be late, to call me. A couple hours later, I get another call from Jasmine. Wait, they won't bring her home so I'll have to pick her up. I ask where this friend lives. Wait for them - here come mistakes 2, 3, and 4. This friend lives in North Minneapolis so I say ok (#2), I don't ask for a number for this friend (#3), and I tell her she needs to call me by 8pm (#4 for assuming it will happen). She doesn't call until 9:15 after I have strung myself out with worry and spastic-ness. Suffice it to say, I now know a little bit more about handling a 15 year old.

Wednesday - "Can I check my Myspace?" is the line we hear most often. She doesn't have access to a computer without permission which I am A-OK with. So she has to ask. Upon giving her permission to check Myspace, we discover that she is still in contact with the 20 year old ex/boyfriend she is no longer permitted to see or talk to. She has the audacity to claim that she thought she just wasn't allowed to talk on the phone with him! "It's just on Myspace, it doesn't count!"

Thursday - Parent teacher conferences at Jasmine's school. We insert ourselves since we're responsible for her for the next month. She hasn't done a single assignment in a single class so far this quarter and the previous two were similar. (Where the hell were my in-laws?) She's in danger of not passing the 9th grade. So, we got copies of her work and are now going to step her through each assignment in each class and get her caught up.

So there you have it. Just 4 full days with Jasmine and our lives are turned upside down. However, there's a chance that she's learning things as we go so I'm holding out hope for this one. I'd like to think that I could make a difference in her life. In fact, I know I can if she meets me half way.

Moving

This post is a little late but at least I'm getting to it now. Last week we moved into the in-laws house. No, we're not living with them...just renting from them. They bought a bigger, shinier house on the opposite end of the twin cities and we agreed to be their renters for the foreseeable future on the old house.

Certain deals were struck prior to the move date and one such deal was the complete gutting and redesign of the bathroom. It was in rough shape. There was still wallpaper on the walls from when they bought the place 13ish years ago. The tub and surround were stained by hard water and rust from the pipes. The toilet never fully flushed and always left "surprises" to be found later. So the agreement was that while they would fit the bill for the bathroom, we (aka Adam) would do the work. And start he did!!! We had approximately two weeks between when they moved out and we moved in to get the work done. This is key as this is the only bathroom in the house. Upon removing the surround and wallpaper, it was discovered that there was mold...a lot of it. Half of the Sheetrock had to be removed and there was mold on the studs. As I was scrubbing the studs down, my mother-in-law looking over my shoulder, she says, "You know, a few months ago, I told Michael I could have sworn there was mold in here." Really? You suspected this months ago and didn't do anything about it? This is supposed to be helpful to me as I wonder if we're going to compromise our health by living here? Thank you oh so much. So once those were scrubbed down and the plumbing was replaced (to go from 2 knobs to one), waterboard and sheetrock were put up. But in the midst of all of this, my wonderful husband put in a new toilet and tiled the floor. It's not done yet. Mudding is not complete so of course painting isn't either. The surround needs another layer of caulk. The sink isn't in yet. But we're getting there. At least we can shower and potty. I call that a win!

In the midst of all of this, other things were taking place. For example, the pink carpeting (truly, it was pink) was replaced with a nice dark taupe color (perfect for hiding black dog fur). The kitchen faucet, which could only manage a weak dribble of water, was being cleaned out and drilled in order to provide some actual water pressure. Oh yeah...and our current home was being packed up, organized, and cleaned by yours truly.

Moving day went off without a hitch. In fact, it was impressive. Eight of our most wonderful friends and family converged on the townhouse on Saturday morning. 3 hours later we were fully moved and unloaded in the house. Mind you, that first hour was only J&J to whom I'm eternally indebted...or at least until they get their house and I move them. :)

We are now moved though far from settled. The bathroom isn't done yet, there is the most atrocious peachy pink flowered wallpaper up in our bedroom, and a slew of other fun projects yet to be undertaken. I need to prioritize. At some point, maybe I'll even post some pictures.

The Bathroom

I have been remiss in sharing the story of the bathroom remodel. Seeing as how we're in the middle of it (oh hell, the beginning of it) I don't have a conclusion for you. You'll just have to wait for the big finish.

Upon agreeing to move into the in laws place, we negotiated the upgrade of the one and only bathroom. The idea was to replace the tub, the shower surround, the sink, the toilet, and at a later date, the floor. Not easy work mind you. Great people but not so great in the maintenance/cleaning department. And it needed help. Adam and I were going to do the work ourselves and got to pick out all of the items without having to pay for them. Easily probably the best shopping trip ever!

Work began in earnest over the weekend since they moved out and we had a couple of weeks until we moved in. I stayed home to pack while Adam and his brother Sean went to the house to start the demo work. I later heard that they found mold behind the surround. A lot of it. This now required us to rip out most of the walls and the floor so that we could get it out of the house, clean it up, and start new.

I keep telling myself it'll be beautiful when it's done but my GOD it's disgusting!

It's the beginning of the work day and already I'm exhausted. Just get me to May 1st!

Pack before moving. Please.

Yesterday was moving day for the in laws. Notorious pack rats, M&P had a lot of stuff to move. Patricia was out of town on vacation with a friend so the moving team was headed up by Michael and made up of Sean, Lindy, Adam, myself, Dante (age 10), and Jasmine (age 15).

Lindy and I spent the entire first half of the day packing the kitchen, bathroom, closets, and office. The guys loaded the truck with those boxes, most of the big furniture, and tried to make a dent in the garage. The garage, coincidentally, was already packed for the most part...from when they moved to SLP (St. Louis Park) back in '95. Note: if you haven't opened a box in 14 years, you probably don't need it.

We finally quit packing and loading 4 hours in. We did not, by any means, empty the house. I'd say we got about half of their stuff into the 24' truck. We stopped for lunch and then headed out with a quick stop to let the puppies do their bidness.

Unloading the truck commenced by everyone slightly rejuvenated and working pretty quickly to try and get the stuff off the truck so that we could head back to SLP and do it again. We all started to slow down a little bit and soon Sean and Lindy had to head home to let Charlie do his bidness. At that point things got a bit hairy. I found out that at least 1/3 of the boxes we moved were garbage per Michael's assessment but since he didn't have a chance to go through them, we had to move them. Therefore we were to put them into the garage where they would be closer to the garbage can. Oy. Then Adam wrenched his back due to the fact that there was a shortage of communication between him and Michael while moving a mattress. Then the executive decision was made to put the remaining boxes in the garage instead of carrying them to their respective rooms. Unfortunately he didn't tell us where in the garage so they ended up getting mixed up with the throw away stuff.

Eventually we finished the first load at 8pm....11 hours after we started. No, we did not get a second load transferred last night. So now we're going to help Michael some night this week when he rents another truck.

Oh, and did I mention that we're moving in 3 weeks time?

8 weeks to go...

There are 8 weeks left until my birthday and it's time to re-evaluate the list. Some revisions need to occur.

1. Run a 5k. Still planning to do this one but the goal is simply to run the majority of the race. So yes, some walking will be tolerated and expected.

2. Complete and pass the comprehensive exam. Complete!

3. Have brunch in my jammies. Date to be decided prior to our move to St. Louis Park. And yes, you need to be in your jammies too Philio.

4. Quit smoking. Complete!

5. Lose more weight. I'm not going to make it folks. It has now reached the point where I can't meet the goal in a healthy way...even training for a 5k. So this will be revised. Knowing what my weight is today, my goal will be revised to lose 15 lbs by the big day.

Two down, three to go.

It's not fair!

Life isn't fair. And we've all known this for quite some time because for the most part, we've been told to suck it up. Nothing about this blog is going to be about sucking it up. It's going to be about the unfairness of losing weight when you're a fat girl.

This weight loss thing is sucking hairy butt lately. One time, and one time only, I will admit that for the past few months I have been wavering between "behaving" and blatant "misbehaving" when it comes to making good choices. That is why when the scale has gone up and down, I haven't complained much. I knew why and it was because I wasn't behaving. Last week I finally accepte4d that I have gained 6 lbs back. This is unacceptable!!!! So now I needed to do something about it.

So let's consider this week. I was out of town in NY which I was nervous about. I really wanted to do well this week but feared that with eating out 3 meals a day, I wouldn't be able to. And I proved myself wrong. I had tasty egg white omelette's, chicken breasts flattened to the thickness of card stock, and even some gelato. I did phenomenally! I also walked at least an hour a day at a brisk pace as I explored Times Square, Chinatown, and Little Italy. I felt really good about my week! I was tracking and remaining accountable to myself. So when I weighed myself on Thursday morning before heading to work, I was mortified to find that I was 1.5 lbs up from last week. WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?! WTF?!?!?!?!?!

Now I'm angry. I BEHAVED this week. I did what I was supposed to do! I got more exercise than I normally do. What the hell is going on?! Make it stop!!!! Unacceptable. Completely, utterly inappropriate and inexcusable. Now what?

I find myself irrationally angry at skinny girls. Sure, I've been told that they know when to stop or that they only overindulge occasionally, that they know the "everything in moderation" mantra. I've been told that they exercise A LOT to make up for it. But let's be honest. No they don't. At least not all of them. And I was on a trip with a woman with a practically concave stomach who ate rich pastas, pizzas, and desserts all week. When she had pancakes or waffles for breakfast, she would cut off a bite, douse it in syrup from the bottle, eat and repeat. UNFAIR!

Last night I had a temporary moment of "fuck it!" and went a bit overboard with the reduced fat Ritz crackers...a whole sleeve except for those given to Zeus and Tuck in an effort to make me feel as if I wasn't eating an entire sleeve of crackers for no particular reason.

So this morning I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and will try again. Because that's all I know how to do.

My thoughts on...runners

I'm bloggeriffic these days. I can't help but constantly commit my every whim and/or thought to virtual paper in hopes that someone - or maybe no one at all - will read it.

What is up with you runners? Actually no...a generality is not appropriate here. But I have found something to be true a fair amount of the time as it relates to those who run. There is an aspect of elitism. I aspire to be a runner so apparently I have elitist tendencies. I'm just not there yet. So when I state as such, why would you say that you are disappointed? Because my friend, you don't have a right to be disappointed in what I do or do not do.

This begs the question. Why am I so bothered that you are disappointed? I don't know. But that little comment has wormed its way to the core of my being and it is nesting there. It's like a toothache - it hurts to apply pressure but my God you can't stop! So there it is, wiggling on the nerve endings of my soul making my rate of annoyance slowly creep up.

Maybe it bothers me because I'm disappointed. Because I am. I should be on this train by now. But I'm allowed to be disappointed. You, again, are not. But perhaps the shame you make me feel will propel me out the door for even a few minutes of pavement pounding. However, I have to get ready for date night with one of the non-elitist runners I know. So, probably not.

/rant

My thoughts on...crying

Do you cry often?

I realized that somewhere along the line, this ceased to be a way in which I exercised emotional release. I'm not really sure when it happened but I'm relatively certain it has been a couple years since I've had a really good cry. When I'm sad or frustrated (usually frustrated) I will feel that burning sensation that comes from your eyes welling up. But then the oddest thing happens...nothing. Maybe a tear trickles down but I don't have the heaving, snot-filled, puffy-faced sobs to which I had once been accustomed.

So then I start to wonder why. Am I emotionally stunted? Am I incapable of truly feeling sadness? And what I have come up with is a confidence-inducing "maybe." When I think back, and think really hard, I can pinpoint the last time I had a gut-wrenching liquid response to something. It was horrible. It was bar none the worst experience of my life; one I hope to never replay. So in that one horrific situation, did I use up everything I had for this lifetime?

So now if you hear me say I cried about something, rest assured it probably involved a welling up and a trickle or two. Please don't think that I wasn't truly sad/heartbroken/hurt because that has nothing to do with it. I just can't cry anymore.

Hair

Does anyone read this thing? Time to see. I need some opinions as I'm going to get my hair cut. I want a style but I still want to be able to pull it back into a ponytail. Here are some pictures I found. Let's vote and/or make suggestions. I am partial to the first. What say you?

Things to keep in mind: I don't like to invest too much time in my hair on an average day. Needs to be easy. My hair is naturally curly/wavy. We should embrace this...fighting it only leads to heartache.

Check it out...it's Aunt Becky!!! Oh, and by the way, I wish I still remembered basic HTML code so I could have put these pictures side-by-side. But it appears that room had to be made for my comps so that got pushed out in favor of multiple intelligences theory.

I think I might have...but maybe not...but possibly...you never know.

I think I may have settled on a dissertation topic. One can never be sure however seeing as how I tend to change my mind on these things a thousand times over. However, I came up with this topic last night around 5:30 and it's still with me 15 hours later so I'm taking that as a good sign. This here topic is sticky.

I will preface this with a little lesson on dissertation writing. As long as you cite your sources, there's really no such thing as cheating or stealing. Many faculty and friends have given me the advice that if I want to be done quickly, I should find a dissertation and replicate it making one minor change. Sweet. So last night I did some research through a database of dissertations (and side note, I never thought I would find that type of research interesting but again, I've been proven wrong) and stumbled upon a gem.

Essentially, it is the measurement of quality in online education. An area sorely lacking and in need of further research / discussion / development. So this morning, I'm working through the pre-proposal where I will need to identify the topic, the research problem, the research questions, the methodology, the data collection characteristics, the data analysis practices, the literature review topics, and the list goes on. Another milestone! My hope is to have it drafted by lunch on Thursday where I have plans to be coached by a colleague. Hopefully he can find ways to rip it to shreds before I submit it to my mentor. I'm sure he will. He's good at that kind of thing. Then I'll submit to my mentor and go from there.

150 days and counting...

Saturday morning

I'm awake. The sun is shining and it looks just beautiful outside. I suspect it's one of those days where the sunlight is actually a warning for the bitter ass cold you will encounter upon exiting the building. The puppy is cuddled up next to me. I'm not sure what's going on. All last night and now this morning, it's as if I have no personal bubble. Or I just share it with Tuck. It's cute but starting to become annoying.

I have to leave the house in about 30 minutes to go to WW. I skipped last week. It's not going to be good news. But as much as I love junk food and gorging my face, I am jumping back onto the WW train. Because the way I figure it, I have 11 weeks to hit my birthday goal. And in order to do that, I am going to need to lose over 2 lbs per week. Oy. Of course, I need to start training for that damn 5k so that should help but we are now at the point of aggressive weight loss. I can do it!!!!

I have to go to the grocery store this morning too. Stock up for the coming week and whatnot. Ice cream is on sale. :) And don't worry, this doesn't fly in the face of the aggressive weight loss...it's fat free ice cream that is probably the most divine thing I have ever tasted.

I just covered my dog up because he was shivering next to me. Perhaps shaving him last week was a little early in the season.

I need to write a pre-proposal for my dissertation. Only 1-2 pages but it requires me to actually nail down a topic and a methodology. I want to do this soon seeing as how I'm giving myself five months to write the damn thing. I should probably set aside some time to work on that.

There's a lot of laundry that needs to be done. Adam has his pile on the closet floor (love you but ARGH!) and I have filled the hamper. I'm sure Dante's hamper is full too. I should work on that today too.

What IS it about Saturdays? It's not a day to go with the flow and do whatever you want. It is a day to try and catch up from the previous 6. If you're lucky, you can get it all done on Saturday so that Sunday's can be a little bit more fun. Of course they'll always be tainted with the knowledge that you have to go back to work tomorrow.

The dog is still shivering. I'm a mean mommy.

This afternoon we head to St. Cloud to have dinner at the Stenman household! Eli's cooking for us and I'm super pumped. Sounds like it should be amazing!!! We never do stuff like this with my family whereas we do it with Adam's nearly weekly. I'm glad we're getting the chance.

More concerns with Adam's niece. I think we'll end up with her sooner or later. Sometimes I wonder if Gusby is chuckling and wondering how we haven't gotten the hint yet.

So there you have it. A blog that was my very own Seinfeld. You got it...a blog about nothing.

10 Things I Would Like to Say to 10 Different People

Okay, so I saw someone do this via a note on Facebook and I thought it looked like fun. But the fact remains that a note is just a glorified bulletin (a la Myspace) and I'm convinced no one really wants to read that crap. So what better place to put it than on my blog?

1. That doesn't match.

2. You slept with your Driver's Ed instructor, didn't you?

3. Excuse me, but I believe my paycheck is missing a zero.

4. BINGO!

5. Suddenly, without any effort, I wear a size 4.

6. Andrew McCarthy knows the meaning of life and I know where to find him.

7. I finished my dissertation.

8. Your baby is fugly.

9. Are you sure that's not cancerous?

10. That's what she said!

Boredom

I wish my friends wrote blogs more often.

And they call her ABD!

That's right folks! I have passed the comprehensive examination! No rewrites. I am moving forward to the dissertation and because of that, I am now considered ABD - all but dissertation. So for those of you counting, that's another list item completed...we're trucking along. I would write more but I have the attention span of a 10 week old puppy right now. WEEEEEEEE!

For Funsies

Because it's fun to write a blog when you have a meeting starting in 5 minutes. Correction, two meetings. Which one should I go to? It's like the Russian Roulette of the cube universe.

However, I have already digressed.

The purpose of this blog is only to highlight what my dear coworker wore to work yesterday. It happens often and it is like a train wreck in that any sane person cannot simply look away. And without any further ado:

• Baby blue and white striped velour collared top. (No, it wasn't really velour but it was that material you can't find anymore that hit it's height of popularity in the late 70's and early 80's and for which I have no name.)
• Peach corduroy jeans. (Yes, they really come in peach. Who knew?)
• Navy blue or black nylons/tights. I'm not sure of the color. I lean towards navy blue because in said coworkers world, that would tie in the baby blue of the shirt.
• Orange strappy sandals. On February 18th. Because that's how she rolls.

I don't write it (figuratively speaking), I just report it.

Phew! One minute to spare!

Things I think are dumb

There is no real reason for this blog other than the fact that my dear, sweet husband is watching "Max Payne" and I'm finding it to be a little on the boring side.

It seems to me that there is a rash of stupidity running rampant and there's nothing that can be done to stop it. Sure, it would probably help if we stopped talking about it and ceased to give the perpetrators the attention they so obviously crave, however, that's no fun.

In no particular order:

1. OctoMom. Seriously this woman is everything that is wrong with people. 14 children? Sure, ya know, everyone has the right to have as many children as they want. Even if I and the majority of the world thinks they're insane. However, I believe that the number of children you have should be constrained by the number you can afford. How many can Nadya afford? None.

2. Chris Brown. You decide to kick Rhianna's ass and you run the risk of Jay-Z coming after you. That's just stupid.

3. Joaquin Phoenix. That guy is crizaaaaazy! I don't know why he think his hip-hop career is worth pursuing (he allegedly fell off the stage at his first show) but he apparently feels as though acting isn't what truly makes him shine. I hope the hip-hop makes me laugh as hard as his appearance on Letterman.

4. Winter. Why does it never end? Why is it still chilly and overcast? It does not instill happiness in my heart. Instead, it makes me grumpy and generally displeased with life.

5. Comps readers. WHY AREN'T THEY DONE READING YET? Is it that hard? Just give me the pass and let's move along! *sigh*

The Questions

It has been killing me. Ever since I received my comprehensive exam questions, I've wanted to share them with all of you. However, since it's an exam, I was prohibited from sharing and/or discussing them with anyone. Today I submitted my paper and received confirmation that it was received by my comps mentor so I felt as though I was free to share them now. Hopefully I will find out within the next week that I passed. So without any further ado, here they are:

1. Researchers use a qualitative, quantitative, or mixed framework to research premises, ideas and theories (Creswell, 2001). Describe the benefits and limitations of qualitative, quantitative, and mixed research. Analyze the advantages and disadvantages of each approach for conducting research in critical thinking as it relates to teaching adult learners.

2. In the preface to "The New Update on Adult Learning Theory" (2001), Merriam states: Adult learning is probably the most studied topic in adult education. The learner, the learning process, and the context of learning form the cornerstone of the field of adult education. Whether one is planning or administering programs or counseling adults, or is directly involved in the teaching-learning transaction, adult learning is at the heart of our practice. (p. 1) Describe, compare and contrast three foundational theories of adult learning. Evaluate the effectiveness of each of these theories in developing successful strategies for teaching adult learners.

3. Leading change in adult learning programs in higher education is a primary function of administrators (Caffarella, 1994). From adult learning research, develop a synthesis of commonly-used ways higher education administrators prepare stakeholders for implementing and carrying out policy and program change. Using a case example of implementing change in a higher education policy or program, evaluate the effectiveness of a leadership change process and outcome.

T - 24 Hours

At this time tomorrow night, my comps responses are due. Pair together my penchant for procrastination and a work project that appears to require all of my time and my first born, and you may see why I have been writing non-stop for the past few days. Yes, I started before that. I had a lot of research and outlines done for two of the three questions but there was about 75% more to do. So now on the eve of their submission, I'm in pretty good shape. Two of the responses are done (although that doesn't include editing and clean-up) and the third one is close. I have a list of the things I want to do with that one that I can totally handle tomorrow.

Right now, my biggest problem is length (that's what she said!). My responses (not counting my title page or my references) are supposed to equal 50 pages. I can distribute those pages however I like across the three responses but they should be relatively equal. Well, that means we're looking at about 16 pages per response, give or take. Response three is currently at 14, response two is currently at 12 (and those are the two that are done). Response one is currently at 12 and I'm thinking I'll had 3 or so more pages than that one. That leaves me at 41. That seems too far away from 50 to be acceptable so I'll do the regular "wordy dance" tomorrow night before I submit. I hate that. I get page limits but in practice, they're BS.

Anywho, I'm not exactly tired but I am fried so I'm calling it quits for the night. In a perfect world, I'd be done by dinner time tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath.