There are 8 weeks left until my birthday and it's time to re-evaluate the list. Some revisions need to occur.
1. Run a 5k. Still planning to do this one but the goal is simply to run the majority of the race. So yes, some walking will be tolerated and expected.
2. Complete and pass the comprehensive exam. Complete!
3. Have brunch in my jammies. Date to be decided prior to our move to St. Louis Park. And yes, you need to be in your jammies too Philio.
4. Quit smoking. Complete!
5. Lose more weight. I'm not going to make it folks. It has now reached the point where I can't meet the goal in a healthy way...even training for a 5k. So this will be revised. Knowing what my weight is today, my goal will be revised to lose 15 lbs by the big day.
Two down, three to go.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
It's not fair!
Life isn't fair. And we've all known this for quite some time because for the most part, we've been told to suck it up. Nothing about this blog is going to be about sucking it up. It's going to be about the unfairness of losing weight when you're a fat girl.
This weight loss thing is sucking hairy butt lately. One time, and one time only, I will admit that for the past few months I have been wavering between "behaving" and blatant "misbehaving" when it comes to making good choices. That is why when the scale has gone up and down, I haven't complained much. I knew why and it was because I wasn't behaving. Last week I finally accepte4d that I have gained 6 lbs back. This is unacceptable!!!! So now I needed to do something about it.
So let's consider this week. I was out of town in NY which I was nervous about. I really wanted to do well this week but feared that with eating out 3 meals a day, I wouldn't be able to. And I proved myself wrong. I had tasty egg white omelette's, chicken breasts flattened to the thickness of card stock, and even some gelato. I did phenomenally! I also walked at least an hour a day at a brisk pace as I explored Times Square, Chinatown, and Little Italy. I felt really good about my week! I was tracking and remaining accountable to myself. So when I weighed myself on Thursday morning before heading to work, I was mortified to find that I was 1.5 lbs up from last week. WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?! WTF?!?!?!?!?!
Now I'm angry. I BEHAVED this week. I did what I was supposed to do! I got more exercise than I normally do. What the hell is going on?! Make it stop!!!! Unacceptable. Completely, utterly inappropriate and inexcusable. Now what?
I find myself irrationally angry at skinny girls. Sure, I've been told that they know when to stop or that they only overindulge occasionally, that they know the "everything in moderation" mantra. I've been told that they exercise A LOT to make up for it. But let's be honest. No they don't. At least not all of them. And I was on a trip with a woman with a practically concave stomach who ate rich pastas, pizzas, and desserts all week. When she had pancakes or waffles for breakfast, she would cut off a bite, douse it in syrup from the bottle, eat and repeat. UNFAIR!
Last night I had a temporary moment of "fuck it!" and went a bit overboard with the reduced fat Ritz crackers...a whole sleeve except for those given to Zeus and Tuck in an effort to make me feel as if I wasn't eating an entire sleeve of crackers for no particular reason.
So this morning I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and will try again. Because that's all I know how to do.
This weight loss thing is sucking hairy butt lately. One time, and one time only, I will admit that for the past few months I have been wavering between "behaving" and blatant "misbehaving" when it comes to making good choices. That is why when the scale has gone up and down, I haven't complained much. I knew why and it was because I wasn't behaving. Last week I finally accepte4d that I have gained 6 lbs back. This is unacceptable!!!! So now I needed to do something about it.
So let's consider this week. I was out of town in NY which I was nervous about. I really wanted to do well this week but feared that with eating out 3 meals a day, I wouldn't be able to. And I proved myself wrong. I had tasty egg white omelette's, chicken breasts flattened to the thickness of card stock, and even some gelato. I did phenomenally! I also walked at least an hour a day at a brisk pace as I explored Times Square, Chinatown, and Little Italy. I felt really good about my week! I was tracking and remaining accountable to myself. So when I weighed myself on Thursday morning before heading to work, I was mortified to find that I was 1.5 lbs up from last week. WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?! WTF?!?!?!?!?!
Now I'm angry. I BEHAVED this week. I did what I was supposed to do! I got more exercise than I normally do. What the hell is going on?! Make it stop!!!! Unacceptable. Completely, utterly inappropriate and inexcusable. Now what?
I find myself irrationally angry at skinny girls. Sure, I've been told that they know when to stop or that they only overindulge occasionally, that they know the "everything in moderation" mantra. I've been told that they exercise A LOT to make up for it. But let's be honest. No they don't. At least not all of them. And I was on a trip with a woman with a practically concave stomach who ate rich pastas, pizzas, and desserts all week. When she had pancakes or waffles for breakfast, she would cut off a bite, douse it in syrup from the bottle, eat and repeat. UNFAIR!
Last night I had a temporary moment of "fuck it!" and went a bit overboard with the reduced fat Ritz crackers...a whole sleeve except for those given to Zeus and Tuck in an effort to make me feel as if I wasn't eating an entire sleeve of crackers for no particular reason.
So this morning I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and will try again. Because that's all I know how to do.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
My thoughts on...runners
I'm bloggeriffic these days. I can't help but constantly commit my every whim and/or thought to virtual paper in hopes that someone - or maybe no one at all - will read it.
What is up with you runners? Actually no...a generality is not appropriate here. But I have found something to be true a fair amount of the time as it relates to those who run. There is an aspect of elitism. I aspire to be a runner so apparently I have elitist tendencies. I'm just not there yet. So when I state as such, why would you say that you are disappointed? Because my friend, you don't have a right to be disappointed in what I do or do not do.
This begs the question. Why am I so bothered that you are disappointed? I don't know. But that little comment has wormed its way to the core of my being and it is nesting there. It's like a toothache - it hurts to apply pressure but my God you can't stop! So there it is, wiggling on the nerve endings of my soul making my rate of annoyance slowly creep up.
Maybe it bothers me because I'm disappointed. Because I am. I should be on this train by now. But I'm allowed to be disappointed. You, again, are not. But perhaps the shame you make me feel will propel me out the door for even a few minutes of pavement pounding. However, I have to get ready for date night with one of the non-elitist runners I know. So, probably not.
/rant
What is up with you runners? Actually no...a generality is not appropriate here. But I have found something to be true a fair amount of the time as it relates to those who run. There is an aspect of elitism. I aspire to be a runner so apparently I have elitist tendencies. I'm just not there yet. So when I state as such, why would you say that you are disappointed? Because my friend, you don't have a right to be disappointed in what I do or do not do.
This begs the question. Why am I so bothered that you are disappointed? I don't know. But that little comment has wormed its way to the core of my being and it is nesting there. It's like a toothache - it hurts to apply pressure but my God you can't stop! So there it is, wiggling on the nerve endings of my soul making my rate of annoyance slowly creep up.
Maybe it bothers me because I'm disappointed. Because I am. I should be on this train by now. But I'm allowed to be disappointed. You, again, are not. But perhaps the shame you make me feel will propel me out the door for even a few minutes of pavement pounding. However, I have to get ready for date night with one of the non-elitist runners I know. So, probably not.
/rant
Friday, March 6, 2009
My thoughts on...crying
Do you cry often?
I realized that somewhere along the line, this ceased to be a way in which I exercised emotional release. I'm not really sure when it happened but I'm relatively certain it has been a couple years since I've had a really good cry. When I'm sad or frustrated (usually frustrated) I will feel that burning sensation that comes from your eyes welling up. But then the oddest thing happens...nothing. Maybe a tear trickles down but I don't have the heaving, snot-filled, puffy-faced sobs to which I had once been accustomed.
So then I start to wonder why. Am I emotionally stunted? Am I incapable of truly feeling sadness? And what I have come up with is a confidence-inducing "maybe." When I think back, and think really hard, I can pinpoint the last time I had a gut-wrenching liquid response to something. It was horrible. It was bar none the worst experience of my life; one I hope to never replay. So in that one horrific situation, did I use up everything I had for this lifetime?
So now if you hear me say I cried about something, rest assured it probably involved a welling up and a trickle or two. Please don't think that I wasn't truly sad/heartbroken/hurt because that has nothing to do with it. I just can't cry anymore.
I realized that somewhere along the line, this ceased to be a way in which I exercised emotional release. I'm not really sure when it happened but I'm relatively certain it has been a couple years since I've had a really good cry. When I'm sad or frustrated (usually frustrated) I will feel that burning sensation that comes from your eyes welling up. But then the oddest thing happens...nothing. Maybe a tear trickles down but I don't have the heaving, snot-filled, puffy-faced sobs to which I had once been accustomed.
So then I start to wonder why. Am I emotionally stunted? Am I incapable of truly feeling sadness? And what I have come up with is a confidence-inducing "maybe." When I think back, and think really hard, I can pinpoint the last time I had a gut-wrenching liquid response to something. It was horrible. It was bar none the worst experience of my life; one I hope to never replay. So in that one horrific situation, did I use up everything I had for this lifetime?
So now if you hear me say I cried about something, rest assured it probably involved a welling up and a trickle or two. Please don't think that I wasn't truly sad/heartbroken/hurt because that has nothing to do with it. I just can't cry anymore.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Hair
Does anyone read this thing? Time to see. I need some opinions as I'm going to get my hair cut. I want a style but I still want to be able to pull it back into a ponytail. Here are some pictures I found. Let's vote and/or make suggestions. I am partial to the first. What say you?
Things to keep in mind: I don't like to invest too much time in my hair on an average day. Needs to be easy. My hair is naturally curly/wavy. We should embrace this...fighting it only leads to heartache.
Check it out...it's Aunt Becky!!! Oh, and by the way, I wish I still remembered basic HTML code so I could have put these pictures side-by-side. But it appears that room had to be made for my comps so that got pushed out in favor of multiple intelligences theory.
_600h.jpg)
Things to keep in mind: I don't like to invest too much time in my hair on an average day. Needs to be easy. My hair is naturally curly/wavy. We should embrace this...fighting it only leads to heartache.
Check it out...it's Aunt Becky!!! Oh, and by the way, I wish I still remembered basic HTML code so I could have put these pictures side-by-side. But it appears that room had to be made for my comps so that got pushed out in favor of multiple intelligences theory.
_600h.jpg)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I think I might have...but maybe not...but possibly...you never know.
I think I may have settled on a dissertation topic. One can never be sure however seeing as how I tend to change my mind on these things a thousand times over. However, I came up with this topic last night around 5:30 and it's still with me 15 hours later so I'm taking that as a good sign. This here topic is sticky.
I will preface this with a little lesson on dissertation writing. As long as you cite your sources, there's really no such thing as cheating or stealing. Many faculty and friends have given me the advice that if I want to be done quickly, I should find a dissertation and replicate it making one minor change. Sweet. So last night I did some research through a database of dissertations (and side note, I never thought I would find that type of research interesting but again, I've been proven wrong) and stumbled upon a gem.
Essentially, it is the measurement of quality in online education. An area sorely lacking and in need of further research / discussion / development. So this morning, I'm working through the pre-proposal where I will need to identify the topic, the research problem, the research questions, the methodology, the data collection characteristics, the data analysis practices, the literature review topics, and the list goes on. Another milestone! My hope is to have it drafted by lunch on Thursday where I have plans to be coached by a colleague. Hopefully he can find ways to rip it to shreds before I submit it to my mentor. I'm sure he will. He's good at that kind of thing. Then I'll submit to my mentor and go from there.
150 days and counting...
I will preface this with a little lesson on dissertation writing. As long as you cite your sources, there's really no such thing as cheating or stealing. Many faculty and friends have given me the advice that if I want to be done quickly, I should find a dissertation and replicate it making one minor change. Sweet. So last night I did some research through a database of dissertations (and side note, I never thought I would find that type of research interesting but again, I've been proven wrong) and stumbled upon a gem.
Essentially, it is the measurement of quality in online education. An area sorely lacking and in need of further research / discussion / development. So this morning, I'm working through the pre-proposal where I will need to identify the topic, the research problem, the research questions, the methodology, the data collection characteristics, the data analysis practices, the literature review topics, and the list goes on. Another milestone! My hope is to have it drafted by lunch on Thursday where I have plans to be coached by a colleague. Hopefully he can find ways to rip it to shreds before I submit it to my mentor. I'm sure he will. He's good at that kind of thing. Then I'll submit to my mentor and go from there.
150 days and counting...
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