I love my job. It wasn't what I thought I'd end up doing...just kind of fell into it. But I love it. I love that what I do so positively impacts others. That what I do holds some meaning. I enjoy the complexities of my job and the opportunities it affords me. I mean, how many people get a masters and a doctorate for free? Yeah, that's what I was thinking too.
So how come, these past few weeks, I've been so disengaged? I'm going through the motions, spending a little too much time on Facebook, and wondering when it's going to get exciting again. And that's not really fair. It's exciting right now! I'm just not into it.
You don't know it but I just paused for a good 20 seconds as I pondered the purpose for this post. There isn't one. Sorry about that. I guess I just needed to vent. Or was it that I was just looking for another way to piss away my day?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Being restless
Are you ever restless? Like there's something missing but you can't quite put your finger on it? I've been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now. I'm generally "meh" with a side of "blah." I yearn for a day to do nothing and yet when I get one, I'm itching to find something to do. Only nothing ever seems to fit quite right. So I sit being restless never quite able to come up with a fix.
Maybe it's the weather (the calendar says it's July but I don't believe it). Maybe it's my job (but really, there are a lot of new and exciting things going on). Maybe it's the whole Jazzy situation. I don't know. Just wish I knew what to do about it.
What do YOU do when your restless?
Maybe it's the weather (the calendar says it's July but I don't believe it). Maybe it's my job (but really, there are a lot of new and exciting things going on). Maybe it's the whole Jazzy situation. I don't know. Just wish I knew what to do about it.
What do YOU do when your restless?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
The whole situation sucks
No one faults us for not letting Jasmine live with us anymore. We do, though.
Yeah, last night we packed up her things and returned them to her at her Grandparents house. We both had a very, very hard time with it but it wasn't even the saddest part of the night. The saddest part was when she told her Grandmother and the response was, "Well, where will you live?" Ugh. No one wants her.
Yeah, last night we packed up her things and returned them to her at her Grandparents house. We both had a very, very hard time with it but it wasn't even the saddest part of the night. The saddest part was when she told her Grandmother and the response was, "Well, where will you live?" Ugh. No one wants her.
Monday, July 6, 2009
And so it goes
So I'm not entirely sure how to start this blog. On the 4Th of July we didn't celebrate freedom at our house. In fact, we were on lock down. Bear with me as I tell the story.
Jasmine wanted to go visit her grandmother on the 4Th of July. Because her attitude has been progressively getting worse and because we had suspicions around where she really wanted to spend her time, we said no. This started earlier in the week and she became more and more sulky as the days wore on. When she saw her grandmother for their weekly visitation (Tuesday through Thursday) she decided to leave her things there instead of bringing them home which immediately set bells off for us. A 15 year old girl - Jasmine especially - having no desire to bring her make up with her?!?! Impossible! On Saturday, she spent the majority of her morning and early afternoon cuddled up with a teddy bear with the occasional tear streaming down her face. While this is sad and pulls on a gals heart strings, it was an act and I treated it as such. I'm heartless, doncha know.
By late afternoon, Jazzy was a mess and everything went downhill from there. She became belligerent and started screaming her demands. Blood-curdling screams that quite honestly, I have no idea how to handle. She was banging on the new furniture I had just bought and trying to run away. She tried to push me away from the front door so she could leave. When that didn't work, she tried to break out one of her bedroom windows. When Adam stopped her from doing that, she proceeded to starting hitting him - in the neck, the stomach, and the arms. She got one window open and proceeded to scream at our neighbor - who was minding his own business by walking across his driveway - to "let her out." I'm not saying I kept my cool during this entire mess. In fact, she elicited reactions from me that are not part of my personality and which I don't particularly like. But through it all, I tried to talk soothingly to her. I tried to cuddle her, to tell her I love her, and to try and calm her down.
In the middle of WW III, Jasmine admitted to more transgressions where she was still speaking to the 20 year old boyfriend. Things we have suspected for awhile (Adam even more so than I) but couldn't prove. She has a second My Space account that is a secret that she uses to communicate with him. Adam was sure of its existence weeks ago but I wasn't convinced. Goes to show who's better at these things. So herein lies the crux of the issue. It wasn't her grandmother she wanted to spend time with...it was EJ. We knew it and it's why we tried to prevent it.
After awhile of this (it could have been 15 minutes or 3 hours...I don't really know) both she and Adam were broken. She in her room, he on the deck, and both looking like they had died a little inside. Maybe a bit dramatic of a statement but I soon realized that this couldn't go on. Not even for a few more minutes. I told her to get her things together and proceeded to drive her to her grandmothers. I made it very clear to her that she wasn't going because she wanted to but because I didn't want her in my house. I told her that Adam and I have worked very hard to create a loving, stable environment for ourselves, for Dante, and now for her and that I'd be damned to let her ruin it. I told her she needed to do some thinking and that tomorrow (Sunday) we would talk it out over dinner and she could decide if she was going to shape up and live with us or if she would be elsewhere. Her psychotic, abusive behavior is not welcome in my home. I still smart over that decision. I think it was the right one for everyone's sanity, but the Taurus in me hates that she got her way by throwing a tantrum. I wouldn't do it differently but it still doesn't sit right. Adam and I spent the rest of the evening caved with our computers both so emotionally and physically spent, we nearly went insane.
On Sunday afternoon I called over to her grandparent's house to inform her that we would pick her up later that afternoon to have our promised conversation. She wasn't there. Turns out, she threw another fit for her grandparent's (the story is disjointed but it sounds like they backed us up) and left to spend the 4Th with a "friend" she hasn't spoken to in months. A 15 year old friend who recently found out she's pregnant...again. She went to fireworks and stayed the night...supposedly. Grandma called her and Jasmine called me to inform me that no, she wasn't coming home tonight. She hadn't yet made a decision. I lost my cool again, right in the Southdale parking lot.
We haven't seen her since Saturday...haven't talked to her since yesterday afternoon. Our home gradually released the stress and became a quiet, peaceful place again. My husband is starting to smile again, and I'm starting to wonder what exactly GUSBY has planned. Adam doesn't think he wants her back. He's probably 95% sure he wants to pack up her stuff and return it to her whenever she calls regardless of what her decision might be. I'm on the fence. Either decision is a good decision for different reasons and either decision is a bad decision for different reasons. There is no right decision here. Sure, there's a right one for us and probably a right one for Jazzy but I don't think those are one and the same. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that she will decide she wants to come back. Not because she's willing to give EJ up and change her behavior, but because she has it better with us. She gets new things and is given new opportunities. She's not so stupid that she doesn't see that.
I never expected this to be easy but I never expected it to be violent. Call me naive. I love her as if she were my own but I don't think I can help her. The problem is that not only can no one help her, nobody wants to. And then how can I turn my back?
Jasmine wanted to go visit her grandmother on the 4Th of July. Because her attitude has been progressively getting worse and because we had suspicions around where she really wanted to spend her time, we said no. This started earlier in the week and she became more and more sulky as the days wore on. When she saw her grandmother for their weekly visitation (Tuesday through Thursday) she decided to leave her things there instead of bringing them home which immediately set bells off for us. A 15 year old girl - Jasmine especially - having no desire to bring her make up with her?!?! Impossible! On Saturday, she spent the majority of her morning and early afternoon cuddled up with a teddy bear with the occasional tear streaming down her face. While this is sad and pulls on a gals heart strings, it was an act and I treated it as such. I'm heartless, doncha know.
By late afternoon, Jazzy was a mess and everything went downhill from there. She became belligerent and started screaming her demands. Blood-curdling screams that quite honestly, I have no idea how to handle. She was banging on the new furniture I had just bought and trying to run away. She tried to push me away from the front door so she could leave. When that didn't work, she tried to break out one of her bedroom windows. When Adam stopped her from doing that, she proceeded to starting hitting him - in the neck, the stomach, and the arms. She got one window open and proceeded to scream at our neighbor - who was minding his own business by walking across his driveway - to "let her out." I'm not saying I kept my cool during this entire mess. In fact, she elicited reactions from me that are not part of my personality and which I don't particularly like. But through it all, I tried to talk soothingly to her. I tried to cuddle her, to tell her I love her, and to try and calm her down.
In the middle of WW III, Jasmine admitted to more transgressions where she was still speaking to the 20 year old boyfriend. Things we have suspected for awhile (Adam even more so than I) but couldn't prove. She has a second My Space account that is a secret that she uses to communicate with him. Adam was sure of its existence weeks ago but I wasn't convinced. Goes to show who's better at these things. So herein lies the crux of the issue. It wasn't her grandmother she wanted to spend time with...it was EJ. We knew it and it's why we tried to prevent it.
After awhile of this (it could have been 15 minutes or 3 hours...I don't really know) both she and Adam were broken. She in her room, he on the deck, and both looking like they had died a little inside. Maybe a bit dramatic of a statement but I soon realized that this couldn't go on. Not even for a few more minutes. I told her to get her things together and proceeded to drive her to her grandmothers. I made it very clear to her that she wasn't going because she wanted to but because I didn't want her in my house. I told her that Adam and I have worked very hard to create a loving, stable environment for ourselves, for Dante, and now for her and that I'd be damned to let her ruin it. I told her she needed to do some thinking and that tomorrow (Sunday) we would talk it out over dinner and she could decide if she was going to shape up and live with us or if she would be elsewhere. Her psychotic, abusive behavior is not welcome in my home. I still smart over that decision. I think it was the right one for everyone's sanity, but the Taurus in me hates that she got her way by throwing a tantrum. I wouldn't do it differently but it still doesn't sit right. Adam and I spent the rest of the evening caved with our computers both so emotionally and physically spent, we nearly went insane.
On Sunday afternoon I called over to her grandparent's house to inform her that we would pick her up later that afternoon to have our promised conversation. She wasn't there. Turns out, she threw another fit for her grandparent's (the story is disjointed but it sounds like they backed us up) and left to spend the 4Th with a "friend" she hasn't spoken to in months. A 15 year old friend who recently found out she's pregnant...again. She went to fireworks and stayed the night...supposedly. Grandma called her and Jasmine called me to inform me that no, she wasn't coming home tonight. She hadn't yet made a decision. I lost my cool again, right in the Southdale parking lot.
We haven't seen her since Saturday...haven't talked to her since yesterday afternoon. Our home gradually released the stress and became a quiet, peaceful place again. My husband is starting to smile again, and I'm starting to wonder what exactly GUSBY has planned. Adam doesn't think he wants her back. He's probably 95% sure he wants to pack up her stuff and return it to her whenever she calls regardless of what her decision might be. I'm on the fence. Either decision is a good decision for different reasons and either decision is a bad decision for different reasons. There is no right decision here. Sure, there's a right one for us and probably a right one for Jazzy but I don't think those are one and the same. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that she will decide she wants to come back. Not because she's willing to give EJ up and change her behavior, but because she has it better with us. She gets new things and is given new opportunities. She's not so stupid that she doesn't see that.
I never expected this to be easy but I never expected it to be violent. Call me naive. I love her as if she were my own but I don't think I can help her. The problem is that not only can no one help her, nobody wants to. And then how can I turn my back?
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Preparing the "nursery"
When parents find they are with child, preparation of the nursery begins. Mothers choose paint colors, furniture and "themes" while Dads are usually delegated to make it all happen. There is much anticipation involved with the nursery. Will he/she like it? What is more masculine or feminine (as the case may be)? Alas, we're a bit late but tonight I made a trip to Target to prepare the "nursery" for my 15 year old "baby."
A few weeks ago she chose her own bedding. A blue/green set featuring butterflies. She talked about two blue walls and two green (which is yet to actually come to fruition). Adam promised her name, in graffiti, on her bedroom wall. She requested that be in pink. We acquired a hand-me-down desk from Nana and Papa and she is using our futon as her bed.
Tonight I went to Target and purchased one of those handy cube things for which I bought four pink fabric drawers. I bought a desk lamp, a couple basket/drawer organizers, and a mirror...all pink. We will put together/fix furniture and put in the finishing touches prior to her return home tomorrow evening.
Her room. Her very first room is starting to shape up. In her future will finally be paint...maybe some new curtains...and more finishing touches.
A few weeks ago she chose her own bedding. A blue/green set featuring butterflies. She talked about two blue walls and two green (which is yet to actually come to fruition). Adam promised her name, in graffiti, on her bedroom wall. She requested that be in pink. We acquired a hand-me-down desk from Nana and Papa and she is using our futon as her bed.
Tonight I went to Target and purchased one of those handy cube things for which I bought four pink fabric drawers. I bought a desk lamp, a couple basket/drawer organizers, and a mirror...all pink. We will put together/fix furniture and put in the finishing touches prior to her return home tomorrow evening.
Her room. Her very first room is starting to shape up. In her future will finally be paint...maybe some new curtains...and more finishing touches.
New friends
I am a very lucky girl. In recent months, I have made a few new friends and they came at just the right time. I was starting to wonder if I had gotten to an age where I would make few, if any, new friends. And being that I've always been better at being "one of the guys", I think it's pretty awesome that they're women. I enjoy a good girls night out and the conversations that result.
My social life has picked up and that's never a bad thing.
But don't get me wrong. Old friends are pretty damn good too. So between the new and the old, I feel very blessed to call these people my friends. Special shout-outs to Phil, Kim, and Lisa! <3>
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About Me
- Kris
- I used to write about all kinds of things but now you're forced to just read about my kid.