Am I the only one?

I don't think I am. My Mom finds it funny that I'm a goal-setter. Am I the only one? It's just that I like to have something to work towards and I have found that if I don't identify exactly what I want, I feel as though everyday is the same and I just...exist.

So with all of these goals I have before my birthday, I feel like I'm making progress. I'm not just existing...I'm actually accomplishing a little more each day. That's a great feeling! And I won't make it a secret that I have added many goals to the list I have published for public consumption. It's just a secret what they are. They're a little more personal. Some have even come from shame. And those are things I'm working towards on my own. By definition that means that they are probably more difficult than the five I've shared with you but I don't need you all to know when I succeed. I don't need my pat on the back from someone else. My own celebration in my mind will be enough.

So this is an audience participation blog. What are YOUR goals?

This is way more fun than writing comps responses!

***Why has no one voted in my super cool, nice and shiny poll? Is it that much work? Is it too much to ask? I just wanted to have a cool poll, dammit!***

If only they'd let me submit a blog instead of a comps response question. I could sit here all day and wax poetic about my annoying dogs, my cold feet, or even the pros and cons of daytime television. Alas, this is not what I should be doing. What I should be doing is researching and writing about adult learning theory, higher education administration, or even research itself. But man is that boring! I've sketched out two of three papers. That's progress right?

So as my very own method of therapy, let's review what sucks about this whole experience.

The library is virtual.
This is a problem folks. A big problem. Why you ask? Virtual libraries work fine for articles and whatnot but what I'm quickly learning is that largely my research is going to need to come from books. And since the library is a non-entity, I must use inter-library loan. It takes approximately 4 weeks to get a book. And seeing as how I only have two weeks left to write.... Bah!

The topics bore me.
Writing a paper about research? Really? Is that necessary? Probably not. And while the third question is pretty interesting, I'm not smart enough to know where to start. So yeah.

I don't like timed writing.
This has been true for the individual courses as well. I don't like that I only have four weeks for this. I don't like that I feel guilty for putting it down. And I don't like that it's majorly bad if I walk away from it for a week. As I have for this past week. Yay.

I want it to be over.
Time to move on. Time to be done. And it would be really nice to pass.

So I apologize for the whiny blog. I'm just so tired of this already. I want to take my second nap of the day. I want to be able to sit down with someone and just talk these through. They don't have to give me answers...they just have to have a conversation with me so I can formulate and order my thoughts. It helps me A LOT to be able to do this and I am just now realizing how much I miss it.

Let's check in on the list...

It's about that time where a) a blog feels appropriate and b) we should check on the list. Way back on a November 17th post, I identified the five things I wanted to do before I turned 30. And really, the list is chock full of some pretty major stuff so let's take a look at how I'm doing.

1. Run a 5k. I haven't started training. It's too cold. My dear friend Becka (personal trainer extraordinaire) has given me an 8 week couch to 5k plan so I figure, if I start mid-March, I should be good. And I'll pretend the weather will be warmer then. Grade: F.

2. Complete and pass my comprehensive exam. Well, the questions were received last week and I have started on question 1 (of three). I'm taking some time off around the weekend to get some more work done and anticipate that I'll be taking more time before my four weeks are up. Grade: B-.

3. Have brunch in my jammies. By far the easiest thing on the list and it is being postponed until warmer weather. So start thinking late April/early May. Grade: A (for putting something this cool on the list).

4. Quit smoking. Today starts day 8 without a cigarette and I don't miss them much. I have moments but that's to be expected. I'm optimistic that I can stick with this! Again, someday I will write my ode to Chantix. Grade: A+.

5. Lose more weight. Alright so this is getting slapped around due to #4 but I can hold out and let my body and my metabolism re-regulate. I've done a MUCH better job this week watching what I eat, measuring, etc. and this morning, the scale was 1.6 lbs lower. That's not an official weigh in but a good measure of progress. So we'll keep this up. There's still plenty of time before the big 3-0 to hit the 199.9 lb mark (and yes, that would be perfectly acceptable). Grade: B.

I'm under a lot of stress right now. Don't get me wrong, I know everyone is. I need to find new and better ways of dealing with it (chocolate cake and chain smoking are no longer an option). I could probably amp up that whole exercising thing. I don't know what it is about exercising that I find so difficult. It isn't that it's hard. I just don't like it. And no matter what I do or for what length of time I do it, I can never get to that alleged point where it's fun/enjoyable/addicting. Maybe it never will. I just need to push past it and make it a habit. It's certainly easier to stick with it in the summer. I know Zeus misses his walks.

I continue to believe that there are good things on the horizon. Life feels a bit rocky right now and I know that there will continue to be moments like this. I haven't always dealt with them in the best or most productive way but I'm working my way through this one pretty well. I'm learning a lot about myself these days and feeling like I'm growing up a teensy bit. That can't be half bad, right?

And let's talk about 30 for a second. I've made a big to do about turning 30 and I've talked about it a lot expressing dismay at reaching this age. Truth be told, I'm not afraid of 30. I feel that there's a level of wisdom that comes with being in your 30's and I welcome it. There's a sense of maturity with it too. And maybe one of these days I won't be pretending I'm a grown-up, I'll actually be one. Sure, I've learned a few things in the past 29 years. But that's a different blog all together...

Updates

It's that time again. Time for updates.

Many of you (ha! 4 readers on a good day!) may have noticed that there were two items on my "before I'm 30" list that may contradict one another. For those of you who were able to pick those out, congratulations, it's your fault.

First, the good news. I have quit smoking. Yesterday was the first day I officially had no cigarettes...not even a puff! And except for a short episode this morning, I haven't really wanted one. Yes, I had an urge but I think that was an urge to get the f*ck out of the office to be honest. In any case, I'm pleased. When Adam lights up, I scrunch up my face and wonder how it could have possibly ever tasted good! I do suspect my sense of smell and taste are returning with a vengeance. Joy. But the second part of the good news is that on Tuesday Adam took the plunge and got his own prescription for Chantix. He started yesterday and we are on our way!!! In a future blog, I will share my ode to Chantix. I do believe it is the greatest thing ever created.

Okay, the bad news. The contradiction. The oh shit moment. I have put on 2 lbs. Could be more. We'll find out on Saturday. How is this happening? Yes, I'm eating more. And yes, I'm doing a crappy job of measuring. But folks, the only thing (in my mind) that can explain such a LARGE gain is the fact that my metabolism has plummeted. But don't worry. This will NOT change my mind on the no smoking thing. I feel blissfully wonderfully insanely great and I wouldn't trade that for the world. I just need to get creative to at least stop the gain.

In other news, the comps questions arrived yesterday. They are not nearly as scary as I assumed they would be. In fact, they are quite manageable. I have devised a plan of attack and have figured out how I will work over the next 4 weeks. I'm looking forward to it and actually started digging into the research this morning (work shmerk).

Let's see. What else can I think of to tell you? It's freakin' cold outside and I hate it. Yes I live in Minnesota. Yes, I love it 8 months out of the year. That doesn't mean that I can't whine a little about the 4 months I hate. I live here because my family and friends do. If I could get them all to agree, we would all move someplace warm. I still require a difference in seasons however. Someday.

Grandma is in Texas (with Grandpa) and so far, no one has broken anything. It doesn't look like there will need to be any emergency trips to Texas this year. Thank God in heaven.

I hope you're all cuddled on the couch with your pet of choice (yes, this counts boyfriends/husbands) eating ice cream or cake and enjoying your favorite 80's movie on TV. And if you're not, my condolences.

An Ode to Adam

It's about damn time I gave Adam his due. For he is wonderful. Let me list the ways:

1. He's hilarious! Especially when he's not trying to be. As in when he's grumpy. Or hungry (only slightly, after that it's not so funny).

2. His giggle is infectious and always makes me smile. I particularly like when he can't help but laugh when I look him in the eye. No, I do not take offense.

3. He's a damn good Dad and I can say that because I've seen him grow into it.

4. I'm starting to think that I love absolutely nothing more than when I can prove him wrong or point out a time when he used a word incorrectly or misspelled it. Oh how it drives him crazy!

5. The sweet things he does for me. Like taking the dogs out when its cooooollllld and I'm in my jammies. Or giving me front door service at the grocery store.

6. The fact that he's so damn good at pretty much everything he does. Case in point. My Mom "taught" me how to knit. I sucked at it and by the time I got home, I had forgotten how. I tried explaining it to him (in a very disjointed fashion since I couldn't remember half of it) and within minutes, there he was knitting and purling away!

7. The way he can be so dang positive about things. He can convince me of anything with no proof other than "because I know."

8. Visions of him at the computer playing his games with his 3D goggles and his headset with microphone. It happened. Truly.

9. The time he ate half a pumpkin pie (or was it the whole thing?) and an entire Chipotle burrito in 1.5 hours.

10. Adam drinking wayyyy too much Jag = Me being able to push him out of a chair with little more than a nudge.

Oh you are so much fun. I enjoy you.

Boredom and motivation

These two characteristics tend to run rampant for me this week. What is up with that? I haven't been fully and completely entertained in at least a week (no offense to those of you who have hung out with me, Adam especially) and my motivation level is lowwww. I find that I want to eat pretty much constantly. I'm positive that if I allowed myself, I could eat an entire 1/2 gallon of ice cream in one sitting. If it's fat free, is it that bad?

I know what this is. This is a combination of three distinct happenings in my little world. Number one, we're a little bit broke until payday. We just had a little too much fun over the holiday season. And that's okay, it's just that I can't afford to distract myself from happenings two and three until Thursday. Number two, Christmas is over. I love Christmas (I know, I've mentioned this before) and now it's over. I have to wait another whole year before I get to celebrate again. And that's a little sad. And finally, number three. We are entering the dead of winter. It's cold. Uncomfortably, horribly cold outside. It makes me not want to leave the house. It makes me want to sleep. It makes me want to eat comfort food. Constantly. I'm just not a fan of winter.

The problem with all of these things happening at the same time is that I have comps starting this week. That's a big deal. I need to pass this if I want to write a dissertation! I need to motivate! I need to get started! And all I can do is surf the Internet, post on Facebook, and plan parties for when I finish the comps that I haven't started yet.

So forgive my whine fest. Yes, I'd like some cheese. Oh look, it's the world's smallest violin! Yes, yes, and yes again. I get it. I'm grabbing myself (that's what she said!) by the bootstraps and forcing motivation down my throat (she said that too)!

I am done. I hope Old Man Winter puts a skip in your step.

50 mother-truckin' pounds!

I just want to take this opportunity to announce that I have now officially lost 50 lbs!

That is all.

Happy 2009!

Ah, 2009. We are now officially into my 30th year (calendar-wise, anyway). Craziness. I hope the new year brings wonderful things to all of you. I have absolutely no doubt that great things are coming to me. :)

Alas, it is time for an update on The List. One such item was to quit smoking by my 30th. A couple of weeks ago I began taking Chantix. It is a stop smoking drug that blocks nicotine from getting to the brain. Essentially that means that you can't derive any pleasure from smoking. Well apparently that is true. I haven't quit completely but the number of cigarettes I smoke in a day is down 75%! Who would have guessed! The only side effects I'm really experiencing are vivid dreams (nothing upsetting, just constant dreams all night long all of which I remember when I wake up) and nausea for 30-60 minutes after I take the medicine. It's manageable and I'm learning how much I need to eat prior to taking it to offset the nausea. All in all, I'm extremely pleased and am doing my part to break the habit of smoking which is separate from the urge. I just need to see this through.

Adam came down with a cold overnight. Alcohol can help exacerbate these things so hopefully he's back in tip top shape sooner rather than later. School starts again on the 5th!

And speaking of school, the comprehensive exam starts on Monday. Week one will be spent writing my goal statement and the actual exam will start sometime during week two. 28 days to write responses to 3 questions totaling 50 pages. I thought it was 35 days but goes to show how I don't know what the hell is going on. Let's hope I can make it through and pass on the first try!