It's been awhile. Too long. It's just that I've been spending this time really thinking about how life is changing little by little each day and how much I'm learning along the way. Seven years ago Adam and I tied the knot and on that day I didn't just become a wife, I became a mother. A stepmother to be exact. And for these many years I have tried to instill traditions into our little family; take pictures to capture a moment in time (although I'm terrible at this); and to really make Dante feel like this is home. And over time, I have become pretty confidant that somewhere along the line, I morphed from step mom to just plain old mom.
But that's not true.
If BL has taught me anything, it's that I haven't been a mother at all. I'm 17 weeks pregnant with a 5", 5 oz little someone who doesn't yet have a gender, let alone a name. And I'm just learning what it means to be a mother. I'm starting to study health insurance plans and various savings plans. I'm trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to pay for college in 18 years...and braces, and hobbies, and broken somethings until then. I worry. I worry that I should be doing more to make sure he/she turns out perfect. I worry that I won't be a good mom. I worry that once BL is here, Dante won't want to be.
Because Dante's at that age now. This isn't his home. His friends aren't here, he's not really into toys anymore, and the weather is making it hard for him and his Dad to go outside and play catch or do manly things. We were so lucky to have him for a week and yet now he's decided to go home. Because that's not here. And here is not where he wants to be.
And my heart breaks. Because this isn't how I pictured it. And I know that life isn't always going to go the way you want it to. But this wasn't supposed to be baby #1. This wasn't Adam and I starting our family. This was a continuation. A bonus. A really wonderful something that would happen to three of us. But the farther I get into this pregnancy, the more I accept Dante is growing up, I come to realize that this really is a case of "...and baby makes 3!"
I wish I could be more upbeat about this but right now, I'm not really sure how all of these differently shaped, sized and colored pieces fit together. I thought I had a soon-to-be-complete puzzle but now I wonder if I even have all of the right pieces. Maybe I've never been a mom before. Maybe I'm just a step mom. Right now I don't just feel bad that I'm just a step mom but because I haven't even been good at that.
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Kris, I don't know if you back over your blogs to see if any comments have been added - but even if you never see this, I have to say it - you are the best mom a kid could ask for - the best of any kind of mom, step, biological, real, whatever adjective you want to throw in front if it. Tears are streaming down my cheeks because you had a least a moment when you were writing this blog that you didn't believe that! Yes, Dante is growing up and is about to enter that stage where friends are more important than anything (or at least he'll think so for a while) but like all of us who make it through those years, eventually he will realize just who it is that is really important and who it is that he can really count on. In the meantime, yes almost 12 years is a big spread. I have a sister who is 10 years younger me and one who is 17 years younger than me - neither of them remember living with me. but I remember! And, Dante will remember. and those memories will be important to him. Obviously families almost never turn out the way you plan them, but for the most part, they turn out pretty wonderful. Let me just add...I could never have imagined or planned a better wife for Adam or a better mother for Dante and Lucy than you! From my point of view all your colored pieces fit together and create a beautiful whole.
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