Wednesday, August 18, 2010

This is a story about a fetus....read if you dare

I've actually tried to avoid too many oh-my-gawd-I'm-pregnant-and-have-to-share-everything stories. No one wants overkill on those. But this little gem still makes me smile and I wanted to share it.

The other night we had the A/C off and the windows wide open and it was soooo nice. Well, the drawback to windows being open is that Zeus can hear every little noise and some he doesn’t like. So he hears something that makes him jump up out of a dead sleep and let out one really fierce big dog bark. I jump (because really, I wasn’t expecting it) and Lucy SPAZZES out! She flipped all over and all I could imagine was her in there with her arms and legs splayed out and braced against my insides. I started laughing hysterically and poor Adam was sad he didn’t feel it too.

The next time Zeus barked , Adam flew across the couch to touch my stomach but apparently she’s already old hat at barking dogs because she kept sleeping.

She makes me smile already. :)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Much ado about high school

There are a series of articles, books, TV shows and movies out there that portray high school as hell on earth (usually in the form of bad acting). And every time I come across this stereotype I have to laugh. I did not have the horrible high school experience everyone else seems to have had. And no, I wasn't Miss Popularity. I was overweight back then (though, much less so than I am today). I wasn't a jock - in fact, I was a choir/musical "nerd." I hung out with the ROTC kids (if that's not a label for nerdom, I don't know what is). I never spent a ton of time on my appearance for an average day at school and I didn't have a ton of boyfriends.

But I was never a social pariah.

I had my group of friends and we did our own little thing. No one bothered us and we didn't notice anyone else. I don't know. I think junior high was hell on earth but that's another post (having much to do with the fact that I had major boobage long before most of my classmates).

I have hopes that Dante and Lucy have a similar experience to mine. "Normal"- whatever that is. Not hell on earth. Just....fine.

So I want to hear from you. Do you have high school horror stories?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Mild panic episode

I once heard someone say, "It's like that moment when you realize your pregnancy is going to result in an actual human being." I laughed. Because I knew I hadn't yet hit that point. Despite the nursery and the furniture; despite the kicks and indigestion; despite all of that, it wasn't quite real. Until the other night.

As I was curled up in bed drifting off to sleep, I was suddenly seized with fear and disbelief. My eyes flew open and there was one glaring thought in my mind. MY GOD, I'M PREGNANT! Last night on our way home from grabbing some dinner, I looked at Adam and quite emphatically reminded him that there was a PERSON inside of me. It went something like this.

There's a PERSON inside of me.

*laughter*

No really, a PERSON!

Not really a person. I mean, she's not done baking yet.

SHE KICKS ME, PEES IN ME, AND IS FEEDING OFF ME!

*laughter*

See, he doesn't get it. I don't know how to make him get it. But people, there's a PERSON inside of me. And she's coming out. In 15ish weeks. Which is like, no time from now. And then I'll be responsible for her. She'll depend on me for everything. If I'm not good at it, she could die!

Just some random thoughts from Casa de Luopa.

Friday, August 6, 2010

In search of faith

I've been wanting to write this blog for awhile and I'm finally going to sit down and do it. It's not going to come out as eloquent or clear as it is in my head but so be it. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to follow me, regardless.

We're having a baby.

What? You didn't know?

Anyway, we're having a baby. And a lot of plans go into that. We're planning tangible things like the color of her bedroom walls, the car seat and stroller combo, and of course we've debated the merits of dressers versus changing tables. All of these things have been fun, exciting, and pretty darn easy when your husband says "You pick it, I'll do it."

But then there are harder things to plan. The less tangible. For example, how will we handle it when she realizes she and Dante have different mommy's? Or, that eternal debate over whether or not babies can and should be held often. But those are still pretty easy. Because we have to figure it out for ourselves and do what's right for Lucy. Okay, cool. We're on a roll, right.

Well, we hit a bit of a snag when we started talking baptism. And it's not even the snag you would expect. Adam and I have complimentary but different belief systems. We both believe in God. I believe in Jesus, he doesn't. I can get behind organized religion, he can't. But when all is said and done, we both believe in treating people right, loving one another, and worshiping one true God (or Gusby, as the case may be). Cool. Only, that wasn't the issue. While he doesn't think baptism really does anything, he was supportive that this was something I wanted to do. It certainly isn't going to hurt her so we were going to do it. I haven't steadily attended church since high school (a fact of which I alternate between ashamed and indifferent). But, I have that special minister in my life that really connected with me and made faith real. PJ, Bubba, John, etc. And PJ was the one to confirm me in high school, marry my husband and I 7+ years ago, marry my sister and BIL 2 years ago and so on. Seemed only fitting that he should baptize our first born.

When I started to really fear that I'd never get pregnant; when I felt like my optimism was waning; when I felt like we might need to take more drastic measures, I did the only thing I could think of. I went back to church. It just so happened PJ was at a church about 10 minutes from our home and so it seemed only logical to go there. I began attending every week, tithing, and saying daily prayers. I was asking for help. I was asking for guidance. I was asking for the little girl who is kicking me as I write this. And then, He replied. And on one evening in March, there were two pink lines and we "magically" (re: clomid, timed intercourse, temperature shift, OPKs) became parents. Never in my life has God so unequivocally and abundantly answered my prayers.

So earlier this summer I heard some alarming news. I heard that the church I had been attending had voted to leave the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) due to their highly publicized stance on gay ministers. This can't possibly be true, I thought! While the ELCA's vote was a step in the right direction, there is more work to be done! Surely everyone sees that! But alas, not everyone does. And I confirmed that Calvary Lutheran had elected to leave the ELCA.

I was devastated. I was overcome with questions and concerns about my faith, my church, and my place in the faith of Christianity. I truly understood why so many in my generation call themselves "spiritual, not religious." Because now I felt like I had been unceremoniously dumped into that category. I started to wrestle with the implications of this. What about the baptism? Am I supporting that decision if I baptize my daughter there? What choices do I have? And so, I reached out to PJ. I don't know what I expected except to sit down and try to understand what the issue was. A week ago, we had lunch. I'm not going to bore you with the details (this may already be my longest blog ever) but what I found out during that lunch did nothing but disgust me. PJ, as an individual minister, also chose to leave the ELCA. Calvary considers itself an independent Lutheran church (whatever that means). While PJ described this decision as stemming from a slew of issues with the ELCA, he could not deny that the decision to allow gay ministers was one with which he and the church disagreed. He told us (Adam was there) that homosexuality is "wrong" and that it says so in "seven places" in the Bible (no, I didn't ask for citations). He referred back to a man who sung at Adam's and my wedding. A man who was quite active in the church when I was a wee kid and to whom I've always felt a strong connection. He said that Steve was having a hard time in his life these days and it was because of the decisions he had made. Because he was gay.

Appalled.

Disgusted.

Horrified.

Just some examples of how I felt that day.

This blog is not meant as a roast of a particular individual or a particular church. It's about my struggle with my faith. And PJ referred me to a church in our neighborhood who would "embrace this issue" with me. And I'm going to check it out. Because I still want my daughter to be baptized. In my faith, for what I believe, for what I know in my heart God believes, it will be good.

So yay you if you actually read all of this. My head is still swimming and if I allow myself to follow the current, I am left sad, broken, and lost. And what is so interesting to me is that despite all of these things, I am not alone. For He is with me.