I am an emotional wreck

Dear Lord, the mood swings. I am out of control. Sometimes I'm amazed Adam hasn't committed me yet and equally surprised I haven't committed myself. Things that mildly annoyed me before are sending me off the deep end now. Sometimes it is rage and other times it is intense sorrow. Of course there is annoyance, bafflement, and general bewilderment thrown in there as well. I haven't noticed a huge up swing in the positive moods but they're there. They just don't feel as manic I guess.

Tonight the kids (Dante and Sophia) were playing, the dogs were wrestling, and Adam was getting ready to paint. This is a very small house people!!! It was a torrential downpour outside complete with hail and tornado watches so I couldn't very well escape or kick people out. So I did the next best thing. I gave myself a time out. I'm relatively confident that there are 5 other living souls right now simply because of that decision.

I know this is pregnancy. I know this is the less enjoyable part of carrying my daughter (I'm not quite used to that yet). But man, a reprieve would be swell.

* No humans or animals were harmed in the writing of this post.

It's a girl!

Today we heard the news. Baby Luopa is a GIRL! Everything looked perfect during the ultrasound though they weren't able to get as good of pictures as they'd like of the spine and nose/lips area. We'll have another quick ultrasound in 6 weeks.

After the appointment, we had lunch and did some shopping. Lots of pink!

We're thrilled and excited to meet Lucy Rae this November!

Baby Luopa shall now be known as...

Psyyyyyyych! Yeah, I have no idea. Not yet. But tomorrow morning, we go in for our anatomy scan and as long as BL is cooperating, we should be able to find out the gender. We're pretty excited as neither of us has any patience. We're split on our guesses - I think it's a boy and Adam thinks it's a girl. For fun, we've tried the old wives tales and they're largely pointing to girl. So we shall see.

While we do hope for a girl (we already have our boy), we quite obviously only want a healthy, perfect little baby. As I said in my previous post, I worry. I'm already worried about the health, well-being, and overall happiness and that's what I want to see on the screen tomorrow. A beautiful heartbeat, flailing arms and legs, and a money shot if BL is so inclined.

Stay tuned.

On becoming a mother

It's been awhile. Too long. It's just that I've been spending this time really thinking about how life is changing little by little each day and how much I'm learning along the way. Seven years ago Adam and I tied the knot and on that day I didn't just become a wife, I became a mother. A stepmother to be exact. And for these many years I have tried to instill traditions into our little family; take pictures to capture a moment in time (although I'm terrible at this); and to really make Dante feel like this is home. And over time, I have become pretty confidant that somewhere along the line, I morphed from step mom to just plain old mom.

But that's not true.

If BL has taught me anything, it's that I haven't been a mother at all. I'm 17 weeks pregnant with a 5", 5 oz little someone who doesn't yet have a gender, let alone a name. And I'm just learning what it means to be a mother. I'm starting to study health insurance plans and various savings plans. I'm trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to pay for college in 18 years...and braces, and hobbies, and broken somethings until then. I worry. I worry that I should be doing more to make sure he/she turns out perfect. I worry that I won't be a good mom. I worry that once BL is here, Dante won't want to be.

Because Dante's at that age now. This isn't his home. His friends aren't here, he's not really into toys anymore, and the weather is making it hard for him and his Dad to go outside and play catch or do manly things. We were so lucky to have him for a week and yet now he's decided to go home. Because that's not here. And here is not where he wants to be.

And my heart breaks. Because this isn't how I pictured it. And I know that life isn't always going to go the way you want it to. But this wasn't supposed to be baby #1. This wasn't Adam and I starting our family. This was a continuation. A bonus. A really wonderful something that would happen to three of us. But the farther I get into this pregnancy, the more I accept Dante is growing up, I come to realize that this really is a case of "...and baby makes 3!"

I wish I could be more upbeat about this but right now, I'm not really sure how all of these differently shaped, sized and colored pieces fit together. I thought I had a soon-to-be-complete puzzle but now I wonder if I even have all of the right pieces. Maybe I've never been a mom before. Maybe I'm just a step mom. Right now I don't just feel bad that I'm just a step mom but because I haven't even been good at that.