In search of faith

I've been wanting to write this blog for awhile and I'm finally going to sit down and do it. It's not going to come out as eloquent or clear as it is in my head but so be it. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to follow me, regardless.

We're having a baby.

What? You didn't know?

Anyway, we're having a baby. And a lot of plans go into that. We're planning tangible things like the color of her bedroom walls, the car seat and stroller combo, and of course we've debated the merits of dressers versus changing tables. All of these things have been fun, exciting, and pretty darn easy when your husband says "You pick it, I'll do it."

But then there are harder things to plan. The less tangible. For example, how will we handle it when she realizes she and Dante have different mommy's? Or, that eternal debate over whether or not babies can and should be held often. But those are still pretty easy. Because we have to figure it out for ourselves and do what's right for Lucy. Okay, cool. We're on a roll, right.

Well, we hit a bit of a snag when we started talking baptism. And it's not even the snag you would expect. Adam and I have complimentary but different belief systems. We both believe in God. I believe in Jesus, he doesn't. I can get behind organized religion, he can't. But when all is said and done, we both believe in treating people right, loving one another, and worshiping one true God (or Gusby, as the case may be). Cool. Only, that wasn't the issue. While he doesn't think baptism really does anything, he was supportive that this was something I wanted to do. It certainly isn't going to hurt her so we were going to do it. I haven't steadily attended church since high school (a fact of which I alternate between ashamed and indifferent). But, I have that special minister in my life that really connected with me and made faith real. PJ, Bubba, John, etc. And PJ was the one to confirm me in high school, marry my husband and I 7+ years ago, marry my sister and BIL 2 years ago and so on. Seemed only fitting that he should baptize our first born.

When I started to really fear that I'd never get pregnant; when I felt like my optimism was waning; when I felt like we might need to take more drastic measures, I did the only thing I could think of. I went back to church. It just so happened PJ was at a church about 10 minutes from our home and so it seemed only logical to go there. I began attending every week, tithing, and saying daily prayers. I was asking for help. I was asking for guidance. I was asking for the little girl who is kicking me as I write this. And then, He replied. And on one evening in March, there were two pink lines and we "magically" (re: clomid, timed intercourse, temperature shift, OPKs) became parents. Never in my life has God so unequivocally and abundantly answered my prayers.

So earlier this summer I heard some alarming news. I heard that the church I had been attending had voted to leave the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) due to their highly publicized stance on gay ministers. This can't possibly be true, I thought! While the ELCA's vote was a step in the right direction, there is more work to be done! Surely everyone sees that! But alas, not everyone does. And I confirmed that Calvary Lutheran had elected to leave the ELCA.

I was devastated. I was overcome with questions and concerns about my faith, my church, and my place in the faith of Christianity. I truly understood why so many in my generation call themselves "spiritual, not religious." Because now I felt like I had been unceremoniously dumped into that category. I started to wrestle with the implications of this. What about the baptism? Am I supporting that decision if I baptize my daughter there? What choices do I have? And so, I reached out to PJ. I don't know what I expected except to sit down and try to understand what the issue was. A week ago, we had lunch. I'm not going to bore you with the details (this may already be my longest blog ever) but what I found out during that lunch did nothing but disgust me. PJ, as an individual minister, also chose to leave the ELCA. Calvary considers itself an independent Lutheran church (whatever that means). While PJ described this decision as stemming from a slew of issues with the ELCA, he could not deny that the decision to allow gay ministers was one with which he and the church disagreed. He told us (Adam was there) that homosexuality is "wrong" and that it says so in "seven places" in the Bible (no, I didn't ask for citations). He referred back to a man who sung at Adam's and my wedding. A man who was quite active in the church when I was a wee kid and to whom I've always felt a strong connection. He said that Steve was having a hard time in his life these days and it was because of the decisions he had made. Because he was gay.

Appalled.

Disgusted.

Horrified.

Just some examples of how I felt that day.

This blog is not meant as a roast of a particular individual or a particular church. It's about my struggle with my faith. And PJ referred me to a church in our neighborhood who would "embrace this issue" with me. And I'm going to check it out. Because I still want my daughter to be baptized. In my faith, for what I believe, for what I know in my heart God believes, it will be good.

So yay you if you actually read all of this. My head is still swimming and if I allow myself to follow the current, I am left sad, broken, and lost. And what is so interesting to me is that despite all of these things, I am not alone. For He is with me.

Surprise!

Home again, home again. This weekend we packed up and shipped off to Des Moines, IA for a Petrie Family Reunion. The KC relatives and the Minneapolis relatives met at the midway point for a weekend of food, fun, and sun. This weekend has been in the planning since last fall so it was fun to finally get together.

Now that there's a new generation to the family, we enjoyed having seven kiddos under the age of 5 to entertain us. They were SO well behaved and fun to watch and hang out with. Adam and I got even more excited for Lucy's upcoming arrival!

Speaking of Lucy, my fabulous family took the time to throw us a surprise baby shower on Saturday night. Since I'm terrible with taking pictures (can you tell from my all text blog posts?), you're stuck with the three pics I had on my cell phone. What a treat! We are so blessed!

4th of July!

Yesterday I became a Great Aunt. Jasmine gave birth to her son, Dwayne Evontrey. Honestly I don't know how to spell that atrocity of a middle name but we'll just go with it. I made the trip up to North Memorial last night because I felt bad. She is 16 and has no one. I didn't plan to go but she appealed to the softy in me. He's cute but I couldn't help but look at him and think of the hardships he'll face in life. Being born to a 16 year old with the baggage Jasmine has can't make for a peaceful, well adjusted life. Say a prayer if you do that sort of thing.

About 20 miles away, just 30 minutes prior to Dwayne's arrival, my cousin Scott and his wife Nikki welcomed their daughter into the world. Liliana (Lily) Amanda was also born on independence day.

It was a big baby day yesterday! Mom's and babies are all doing well. I haven't met Lily yet but am sure I will soon.

Other than that excitement, Adam and I spent the day on the couch, chilling out and watching movies. Lazy? Yes. Incredibly magnificent? Yes.

Next weekend is family reunion weekend! YAY Petrie's!

I am an emotional wreck

Dear Lord, the mood swings. I am out of control. Sometimes I'm amazed Adam hasn't committed me yet and equally surprised I haven't committed myself. Things that mildly annoyed me before are sending me off the deep end now. Sometimes it is rage and other times it is intense sorrow. Of course there is annoyance, bafflement, and general bewilderment thrown in there as well. I haven't noticed a huge up swing in the positive moods but they're there. They just don't feel as manic I guess.

Tonight the kids (Dante and Sophia) were playing, the dogs were wrestling, and Adam was getting ready to paint. This is a very small house people!!! It was a torrential downpour outside complete with hail and tornado watches so I couldn't very well escape or kick people out. So I did the next best thing. I gave myself a time out. I'm relatively confident that there are 5 other living souls right now simply because of that decision.

I know this is pregnancy. I know this is the less enjoyable part of carrying my daughter (I'm not quite used to that yet). But man, a reprieve would be swell.

* No humans or animals were harmed in the writing of this post.

It's a girl!

Today we heard the news. Baby Luopa is a GIRL! Everything looked perfect during the ultrasound though they weren't able to get as good of pictures as they'd like of the spine and nose/lips area. We'll have another quick ultrasound in 6 weeks.

After the appointment, we had lunch and did some shopping. Lots of pink!

We're thrilled and excited to meet Lucy Rae this November!

Baby Luopa shall now be known as...

Psyyyyyyych! Yeah, I have no idea. Not yet. But tomorrow morning, we go in for our anatomy scan and as long as BL is cooperating, we should be able to find out the gender. We're pretty excited as neither of us has any patience. We're split on our guesses - I think it's a boy and Adam thinks it's a girl. For fun, we've tried the old wives tales and they're largely pointing to girl. So we shall see.

While we do hope for a girl (we already have our boy), we quite obviously only want a healthy, perfect little baby. As I said in my previous post, I worry. I'm already worried about the health, well-being, and overall happiness and that's what I want to see on the screen tomorrow. A beautiful heartbeat, flailing arms and legs, and a money shot if BL is so inclined.

Stay tuned.

On becoming a mother

It's been awhile. Too long. It's just that I've been spending this time really thinking about how life is changing little by little each day and how much I'm learning along the way. Seven years ago Adam and I tied the knot and on that day I didn't just become a wife, I became a mother. A stepmother to be exact. And for these many years I have tried to instill traditions into our little family; take pictures to capture a moment in time (although I'm terrible at this); and to really make Dante feel like this is home. And over time, I have become pretty confidant that somewhere along the line, I morphed from step mom to just plain old mom.

But that's not true.

If BL has taught me anything, it's that I haven't been a mother at all. I'm 17 weeks pregnant with a 5", 5 oz little someone who doesn't yet have a gender, let alone a name. And I'm just learning what it means to be a mother. I'm starting to study health insurance plans and various savings plans. I'm trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to pay for college in 18 years...and braces, and hobbies, and broken somethings until then. I worry. I worry that I should be doing more to make sure he/she turns out perfect. I worry that I won't be a good mom. I worry that once BL is here, Dante won't want to be.

Because Dante's at that age now. This isn't his home. His friends aren't here, he's not really into toys anymore, and the weather is making it hard for him and his Dad to go outside and play catch or do manly things. We were so lucky to have him for a week and yet now he's decided to go home. Because that's not here. And here is not where he wants to be.

And my heart breaks. Because this isn't how I pictured it. And I know that life isn't always going to go the way you want it to. But this wasn't supposed to be baby #1. This wasn't Adam and I starting our family. This was a continuation. A bonus. A really wonderful something that would happen to three of us. But the farther I get into this pregnancy, the more I accept Dante is growing up, I come to realize that this really is a case of "...and baby makes 3!"

I wish I could be more upbeat about this but right now, I'm not really sure how all of these differently shaped, sized and colored pieces fit together. I thought I had a soon-to-be-complete puzzle but now I wonder if I even have all of the right pieces. Maybe I've never been a mom before. Maybe I'm just a step mom. Right now I don't just feel bad that I'm just a step mom but because I haven't even been good at that.