It's like...nothing

The (almost) first 6 months

2011-05-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Lucy,

My goodness! Nearly 6 months old already. I have no idea how this happened but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with super powers and your dad's love of geeky sci fi shows.

But alas, we're careening towards a major milestone and I thought it might be a good idea to take a look back at the first 6 months of your life.

I should preface any and all stories with the disclaimer that you have been the best baby ever. Truly. You started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, you're too lazy to cry, and you like to observe new places and faces so you're always game for an outing (as long as you don't need to spend too much time in your car seat). So when I laugh at with you, please remember that I consider myself incredibly lucky to be raising such a pleasant, fun baby.

We've learned a lot about you over the past 6 months. You're a happy girl who loves everybody but especially your dad. You smile a lot and love to have someone nom on your cheeks, tummy, legs, etc. Whenever someone gets close to your face, you open your mouth wide with a devilish look on your face. This is adorable but something I wish you'd do less often with your dogs.

Speaking of your dogs. You think they're pretty awesome. Sometimes you seem to know and recognize them and other times you look confused or surprised by them. Their wrestling and growling often brings a smile to your face. Just a few days ago I caught you petting Tuck and him giving you a little kiss on your hand.

You hate to lay down. You are an active participant in the world and it frustrates you when we forget that. Your Bumbo has been one of your favorite contraptions for a long time simply because it allows you to sit up like everybody else.

You like soft things like blankets, burp cloths, and soft toys. You want to suck on them constantly. You rejected the pacifier but you're just as soothed by fabric of some sort.

At nearly 6 months of age, you still don't roll over. I try not to worry because I'm pretty sure you can and just don't want to. You'll flip to your side from both your tummy and your back but you won't bother going the rest of the way. Your dad and I joke that you'll be walking before you roll over because...

You're really getting into standing and jumping. Your legs are strong and you like the new vantage point that comes with standing. You're showing signs of being a bit of a daredevil because you like to be held up high over our heads. Your dad is looking forward to throwing you in the air when you get a little bigger!

Generally speaking, napping doesn't interest you. You'll take a couple 30 minute cat naps during the day but you make up for this by sleeping 10+ hours a night. Your father and I thank you for that, by the way. Mornings are my favorite time of day because you're just so happy to be alive! You smile and cuddle and remind us how lucky we are.

You're a pro at cereals. In fact, a couple spoonfuls into your first feeding and your dad and I were very impressed. You prefer rice cereal though we're trying to get more oatmeal into you. Your dad is getting excited to start you on some veggies but I prefer to wait just a little bit longer. You seem bored by the bottle but there's no way you could handle a sippy cup.

And your hair. Oh all the hair. By 4 months old we could do a pigtail at the top of your head. Shortly thereafter we could do two! It's your trademark and everyone loves it. Your Nana keeps saying you need a hair cut and while I agree, I can't bring myself to do it.

You see your Nana and Papa Luopa every Friday with your dad. You play games and visit. They enjoy having that special time with you. You see your Nana and Papa Petrie every Saturday and they like to play games and rough house with you a bit (especially your Nana!). Everybody loves you so much!

While mom goes to work, you stay home with your dad. You keep him busy with playing, eating, reading books, and walking through the house. He loves that time at home with you and I know that you feel the same. It's hard for me to leave in the morning but I like knowing that you two are home together.

You've grown up so much in such a short time. You have a new trick everyday and it's been a lot of fun to be a participant in your life. I still tear up when I think of how badly we wanted you and how blessed we are to have those particular prayers answered. I promise to keep trying to document as much of this as possible if you promise to slow it all down a little bit. Deal?

Love,
Mom

Living with baby

2011-04-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

It's been 5 months of bottles, dirty diapers, baths, laundry, smiles, giggles, drool, and love. 5 months. A complete whirlwind. And clearly I'm horrible at documenting the most important time in my life.

I have loved every minute.

I've loved:

how she would stretch her neck those first few weeks; the way she'd set her jaw and her chin would jut out.
how she'd mimic you when you stuck your tongue out at her.
her smiles when you first peer at her over the side of her crib in the morning.
the way her hair poofs up in the back regardless of how you comb it.
the way she grins adoringly at her dad.
the way she grins adoringly at her brother.
the way she grins adoringly at me.
the hours upon hours she sleeps at night.
her teeny tiny hands and teeny tiny feet.
pigtails at the top of her head.
feet in the mouth.
her apparent love of the songs "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" and (of course) the Minnesota Rouser.
the excited grinning I receive when I get home from work.

I wish I would have taken the time to document these things for her. To write the stories down so that one day she could look back and read them. I'm committing to doing more of that. I'd also like to take more pictures of her too. :)

I would wake up over and over if it were always like this

2010-12-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

Last night we attempted, for the first time, to establish a bedtime routine for Miss Lucy. Up until now, Lucy has set the schedule for the day - when she eats, when she sleeps, when she plays. And that was fine seeing as how she was an itty bitty in need of learning how to function in the outside world. But now that we're halfway through my maternity leave (OMG!), it's time to start trying to put together something that's slightly more consistent.

So last night I gave her a warm bath, dressed her in her jammies and handed her to Adam for a bottle. Afterwards a drowsy baby was swaddled and put into her crib for the first time (at night) and lulled to sleep by the sounds of the Baby Einstein aquarium. And she slept. For 6+ hours. By the time she woke up I was slumbering away so Adam was the one to do the middle of the night feeding and apparently she had a hard time going back to sleep and was up for 3+ hours before going back to bed in her crib.

Which is where I found her in the morning. At 10:15. I heard her stirring (I woke up before my baby!) so I went into her room, peered over her crib, and was rewarded with some huge smiles! Lucy looked up at me with her eyes wide open and gummy smiles as if to say "Hey Mom! I'm so glad you're here!" I melted right then and there.

She's growing so fast! We're connecting more each day and it's awesome. I'm already dreading going back to work.

How far we've come

2010-12-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I found myself at the doctor's office. 11 days postpartum and all was not well with the lady bits. The equation is simple. Epidural + catheter = urinary tract infection. Awesome. However, that's neither here nor there. I was unable to get in with my doctor but when I caught a glimpse of him down the hall, I found myself seized with an odd sense of affection for the man. I wasn't expecting it and it took me awhile to put my finger on it.

He delivered my baby girl. He cared for us both for 40 long weeks and then safely and uneventfully brought her into the world. In that single moment, I really truly appreciated all of the wonderful things he does for women and their families everyday.

But that isn't all.

I was thrown back a year plus to sitting in one of those little exam rooms with him. I'd sit on the table while he poured over my chart trying to determine whether the dosage this cycle was right and what he should prescribe for the next. Because it still hadn't worked. I still wasn't pregnant. On February 17th I sat with him following this ritual we had gone through so many times before. After talking through my options (if this cycle didn't work, he'd refer me to someone who could do more to help me conceive), he patted my knee, handed me a prescription and said "Come back pregnant. Don't let me down." I chuckled but teared up as I left the office. One month later, I finally got a positive pregnancy test and life as we know it changed.

All of that came flooding back in the mere seconds I saw him down the hall. And now I wonder whether he realizes what great work he does on a daily basis.

Thanks, Dr. W.

True love

2010-12-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with a little someone special.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T03:24:00.000-08:00

Every year I do a cheesy post listing all of the things I'm thankful for during this holiday season (and all year long, of course). In light of my newest blessing, it seemed absolutely necessary to do a list again this year.

(Forgive me for not doing a "omgshe'shereandbeautifulandIlovesherandwanttosharethestoryofherbirth" post yet. It's coming.)

1. Lucy. My beautiful, absolutely perfect blessing of a little girl. Someone for whom I waited years and years to meet and to hold. I am blessed with every cry, diaper change, snuggle and more. I love her more every minute of every day.

2. Adam. The man who takes care of me and now for blessing #1. The one I giggle with, cry with, and celebrate with. I didn't think I could love him any more but then I saw him with his daughter and that all changed.

3. Family. A big catch all for a whole lot of people. People who love me and mine and who share their lives with us. I love sharing my life with you.

4. Friends. I feel so many friendships - new and old - were strengthened this year. I can't wait to continue the journey.

5. The future. So much seems possible. So much more seems exciting.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I haz a sad

2010-11-18T08:22:00.000-08:00

I have a sadness I just can't shake. Family is of the utmost importance to me. As Adam can attest, I put a lot of energy into maintaining old traditions and starting new ones. I like to celebrate birthdays and find reasons to get a family together. There can be official reasons (holidays) or unofficial reasons (Wednesdays). And part of bringing this sweet baby into the world is to add to our family. I have so been looking forward to being able to not only love my daughter but to watch other people love her too. To watch her forge relationships with her grandparents, aunts and uncles, and our friends. To watch her become her own person and to see how she fits into this big family puzzle.

But I'm sad because it just doesn't feel like any of that right now.

A baby should be welcomed into the world with joy and love and excitement. I believe that a family should be pulled almost magnetically to that baby to love her and fawn over her and to fold her into their lives so completely.

With her arrival mere days away, I am overcome with sadness that instead, she'll be welcomed and loved by only a portion of her family. That her father and I will undoubtedly be partially at fault for this though I'm not sure that I am willing to make the sacrifices necessary to change that.

Time heals all wounds, as they say.

OMGWTFBBQ!

2010-11-16T17:24:00.000-08:00

An eviction notice has been given. If I don't go into labor before Sunday, that is the day I will be induced. Sunday is the due date and at today's appointment, my doctor felt that induction was the route to go. Lucy still hasn't "dropped" and apparently, in a full-term first time pregnancy, this can possibly hint to a problem. A problem that she doesn't or won't fit into the birth canal. We're excited, nervous, happy, scared, freaked out, and ready to roll.

Only 3 more days left of work and then 10ish glorious weeks off. Hallelujah!

Is that a baby in your belly or are you really, really fat?

2010-11-12T17:02:00.000-08:00

We've all heard the stories of women being asked if they are pregnant when they aren't. We've heard it told from both sides of the story...both of which are accompanied by horror and intense shame. Sometimes there's laughter and sometimes there's tears.

I have my own such story today.

I would first like to note that no one actually said anything to me directly. The story was relayed to me second-hand. And if the roles had been reversed, I never would have shared this story with a pregnant woman.

Apparently the following conversation took place a couple of days ago:

Asshat McDouche: I just saw Kris and she has gained so much weight, she looks pregnant!!!

Stunned woman #1: She is. She's going on maternity leave in like, a week.

Asshat McDouche: Oh!

Story teller: *uncontrollable fit of giggles*

WTF? Seriously? I look pregnant so you assume I'm really, really fat??? It never occurs to you that I might actually be pregnant?

I feel so damn pretty today.

Just waiting

2010-11-12T08:43:00.000-08:00

The due date is fast approaching and I'm just sitting here twiddling my thumbs.

No, really.

I had this ingenious idea to work up until the birth so I wouldn't burn any of that leave time before getting to spend it with my blue-eyed beauty. She better be blue-eyed, otherwise I have some explaining to do.

So here I sit, in my cubicle, on a Friday afternoon. There are 3 emails in my in box and one of those is an invitation to save 30% from Gap and Old Navy. My to do list is nearly a page long and only 4 of those things don't have a check mark next to them. I've started drafting my 2011 goals and professional development plan but my hearts not in it. Probably because I'd like to finish my 2010 goals first. You know...like 'have a baby.'

Next week my calendar is blocked as out of the office per the direction of my boss. I keep staring at it - half with glee (ohdeargodtherearepracticallynomeetingsonthatcalendar!) and half with dread. If there are no meetings, and there is no baby, then what the hell am I going to do with myself all week?

I made myself giggle this morning. I attempted to make a fist, couldn't because of the swelling, and then thought of the phrase "knuckle sandwich." *sigh*

My desk is clean already so that won't keep me busy next week. I've already hauled everything home that needs to be there during my leave. Although, I'm staring at the dress shoes under my desk and wondering if I'll need or want them while I'm out. I haven't worn heels since I was about 15 minutes pregnant. I don't think I'll jump right back on that bandwagon.

I'm making a mental note as I look at the picture frames on my desk. I better come back with an updated one of Dante (oops....I think this one is at least 3 years old) and some of the blue-eyed beauty.

This morning, I drafted my IRB (Institutional Review Board) paperwork for my dissertation and sent it to my mentor. You know you're hard up for stuff to do when you start filing paperwork related to your dissertation research.

Look at that. I just burned 10 minutes. If only it were lunchtime now.

A pointless post about our trip to the movies

2010-10-31T13:55:00.000-07:00

Friday night, Adam and I headed out to see a movie. We went to the new theater here in St. Louis Park which has reserved seating. You pick your seats when you buy your tickets and then if you order food (could just be a pretzel or actual meal) they take your seat number and deliver it to you when it's ready.

I'm not a big fan of the reserved seating idea but it is kind of nice to be able to nab the seats you prefer and still hit the concession stand and bathroom.

After doing all of these things, we head to our seats and there are two people sitting in them. This is awkward. I've now walked past numerous people forcing them to move their legs and whatnot to let me by. I'm annoyed by someone being seated there but I guess I'd be willing to sit somewhere else if A) I hadn't already made people move and B) I would know I wasn't going to go sit in a seat that someone had already reserved and therefore starting a crazy domino of seat moving. So I mention to these people that we have these seats. So they move down one seat. But actually, we have BOTH seats so we'd need you to move down another one. And then there are jokes about how it doesn't matter. So I start to feel like an ass. Because I agree, it doesn't really. Except that the theater has forced it to matter!

The couple in our seats has food coming so they need to be in the right seats. So she pulls out her ticket and sure enough, she's supposed to be a few rows down. But they don't like those so they go somewhere else. This is all fine but I was annoyed that their disregard for how the theater worked was impacting me.

People bug me.

36 weeks

2010-10-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Most people look at me like I'm nuts when I tell them how many weeks pregnant I am. Even my Mom doesn't get it and there are signs that she's been pregnant before. So, just to level-set here (in the words of my boss), let me say that there are 40 weeks in a pregnancy. At 37 weeks, a baby is full-term and a healthy baby will be born anywhere between 37 and 42 weeks.

I'm 36 weeks people. 4 weeks until my due date. 1 week until Lucy is full-term.

Last night Adam and I went to a Halloween party. We went as the particularly klassy pair of a priest and pregnant nun. It was a hit. One woman...who by the way never introduced herself...got SO excited when she found out I was pregnant that she proceeded to molest my belly and tell me all the advice she could muster about child birth and the first few years of childhood.

Today my boys are out enjoying a Dad and Dante date and I'm curled up on the couch with the puppies watching Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Eventually I'll motivate on my list but until then, I'm enjoying the relaxed bliss of a quiet Sunday afternoon with my fur-boys.

Things are going to change in the not-too-distant future and I'm excited! There's a little person missing from from this little family and we're just waiting for her to get here. My hope is that Adam and I can enjoy all of the changes and at the same time, not become douchetastic full-time parents.

Here's hopin'!

(Seriously, how random was this blog?!)

I'm impatient

2010-10-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

I want to meet my baby girl. She's almost done baking and I'm totally over work and the like. Tis time.

I felt the need to share this with you.

Lucy's story, part 1

2010-10-13T18:19:00.001-07:00

Dear Lucy,

Your story begins long before your birthday. In fact, it begins back in December of 2008 when your Dad and I decided we were ready for you. It took you awhile but on March 15, 2009 we got the word you were on your way.

From the moment we learned of your impending arrival, your Dad and I spent hours planning and preparing. We started to talk about what to name you and how to teach you. We talked about how your brother, Dante, would love you and take care of you. And we wondered about what your relationship would be with our four-legged family members, Zeus and Tuck.

We began to tell others that you were coming. We told Nana and Poppa Petrie, Nana and Papa Luopa, and your aunts and uncles. Everyone was so excited!

In the early weeks of my pregnancy, I wavered between feeling great and feeling nauseous. We played things by ear and did what we could, when we could do it. Not many people knew yet so it was a little weird trying to keep things a secret. Every week brought us closer to meeting you but your Dad and I aren’t very patient. We were so excited to meet you! Your Dad gobbled up books and information relative to what you’d be like in your first year. Every day he would regale me with interesting facts of things we had to look forward to. And boy were we looking forward to it!

On April 9^th we had our first appointment and ultrasound and we got to see you on TV! You were just a little blob then but you had an amazingly small beating heart at an impressive 143 bpm. You were about the size of a blueberry! Your Dad and I were holding hands and wiping our eyes as we stared at the screen.

You continued to grow while I continued to live in a bit of fear. The first trimester is a scary one and so many babies don’t make it. I suddenly knew what it was to be a Mom because I worried about you. I couldn’t feel you yet so I had to trust that you were ok in there.

At 12 weeks, we were able to see you again. We were having another ultrasound…this time to peek at you, take some measurements, and see if there were any issues for which we needed to be prepared. You looked like a baby! You kept falling asleep so the ultrasound tech kept telling me to cough in hopes of waking you up so you would change positions. It worked once or twice but all you would do was slide down and kick the wall and then slide back down again. We had to wait while you took your cat nap and your Dad and I had no complaints as we watched you sleep. You were given a clean bill of health and we continued to count our blessings!

It was at this point that we spilled the beans to everyone we knew. Emails flew as we told aunts, uncles, and cousins and we received lots of well wishes via Facebook. I can’t help but wonder if when you read this, you’ll have any idea what Facebook is. I told my boss and my coworkers and everyone was so excited!

18 weeks in and we had our anatomy scan. This was an ultrasound we were particularly excited for! We were going to find out if you were a little boy or a little girl. Everyone was anxious to hear except for your Poppa Petrie. He wanted it to be a secret until you were born. We tried but he found out less than 24 hours later. Oops! Blame Nana. Again you received a clean bill of health and you demonstrated that you had absolutely no modesty! The ultrasound tech was able to identify your gender just minutes into the ultrasound! After the appointment your Dad and I went shopping to buy a few pink items. Of course, now there are WAY more pink things waiting for your arrival.

We thought this was our last glimpse of you until you made your appearance which made us both very sad. We could look at you for hours. But it was right around this time when I started to feel movements…itty bitty twinges. I enjoyed those a TON! It was our own special language.

In July we loaded up the car and headed down to Des Moines for a Petrie Family reunion. During that weekend, a surprise shower was thrown in your honor! All of your cousins (second or third, I have no idea) gave you books and all of your great aunts and uncles and your adult cousins (second or third, I have no idea) gave you a gift card. You’ll come home from the hospital in the car seat they bought you. They were all so excited for us and for you and we were so lucky to have that special time.

Sometime in August your Dad and I were laying in bed and chatting about whatever came to mind (as this is something we do quite frequently) and your Dad’s hand was on my stomach. I’ll never in all of my life forget the look on his face when you kicked his hand, every so lightly. He looked up at me with eyes as big as saucers and a grin a mile wide and asked me if that was you. And we sat there smiling and giggling, and tearing up for what felt like ages as we tried to prod you to do it again (you didn’t). Since then you have graced us both with many a kick, jab, and full body roll. In fact, you’re giving me a beating right now as I type.

At 24 weeks we got one last look because the doctor wanted a better picture of your face. And we happily obliged.

And then, on one beautiful Saturday morning in August, your Aunt Kari called me and we found out that you were going to have a cousin! Just 5 months apart!

On September 24^th, you gave us a scare. I hadn’t felt you move in awhile so I had some caffeine, ate some dinner, and laid down. Nothing. Your Dad came in and tried talking to you and giving you Reiki. Still nothing. So your Dad called Labor and Delivery and those nurses told us to come in immediately and they would take a look at things. I was sobbing as I got ready to go. I was so worried about you! I hate(d) not having you where I could see you and know you were ok. Your Dad drove to the hospital like a bat out of hell and you still didn’t move. You know how this story ends. The nurse called you a brat and I grounded you the minute you came out. The minute they put that monitor on my belly we heard the most beautiful sound in the world; your heartbeat. You scurried around in there trying to get away from it but by then your Dad was breathing again and I was smiling. All was well with our little girl.

All in one week, we had 2 showers in your honor. First there was a shower at my work where my coworkers spoiled you rotten. Lots of clothes, gift cards, and fun stuff just for you. Later in the week, your Aunt Kari and Uncle Eli through a shower with our families where they showered you with gifts. We enjoyed so much getting to celebrate your impending arrival with your grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other family.

We are now counting the days until your arrival. I am wrapping up projects at work and packing our hospital bags. This weekend we’ll continue to spend our time readying the house for you. In these final weeks, my belly is growing exponentially, I’m getting less and less sleep, and my pelvis feels like it’s snapping in half. I can’t wait to meet you!

There’s more of your story to come and I can’t wait to be a part of it. To be continued.

Love,
Mommy

About that whole miserable thing...

2010-10-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

The closer we get to meeting Lucy, the more and more often I'm asked "How are you feeling?" What's interesting about this is that in the beginning, people would ask this question with a hint of excitement about this little person I'm growing. Now in my third trimester, people ask this with pity and a smirk. They not only expect me to be miserable but some of them even seem to want me to be. Last weekend in fact, my aunt called me her "grumpy niece" because I'm 8 months pregnant. Not because of my disposition.

But here's the thing peeps. I love being pregnant.

It's not all moonlight and roses (and Adam will be the first to remind me that I do, in fact, complain on occassion) but I really, really like it. It's everything I expected and a bunch of stuff I didn't. I enjoy feeling her move around in there and snuggle in for the night. I like trying to guess what she's doing in there and then telling Adam "stories" about those activities. I like preparing our home and our lives for this additional person. I just love being pregnant.

I wanted to put this out there because I think it's the one thing I want to remember most about pregnancy...the thing I want to be sure to tell Lucy. But at some point I should probably write those blogs about childbirth class, our impromptu trip to labor and delivery, and finishing the nursery.

This is a story about a fetus....read if you dare

2010-08-18T06:20:00.000-07:00

I've actually tried to avoid too many oh-my-gawd-I'm-pregnant-and-have-to-share-everything stories. No one wants overkill on those. But this little gem still makes me smile and I wanted to share it.

The other night we had the A/C off and the windows wide open and it was soooo nice. Well, the drawback to windows being open is that Zeus can hear every little noise and some he doesn’t like. So he hears something that makes him jump up out of a dead sleep and let out one really fierce big dog bark. I jump (because really, I wasn’t expecting it) and Lucy SPAZZES out! She flipped all over and all I could imagine was her in there with her arms and legs splayed out and braced against my insides. I started laughing hysterically and poor Adam was sad he didn’t feel it too.

The next time Zeus barked , Adam flew across the couch to touch my stomach but apparently she’s already old hat at barking dogs because she kept sleeping.

She makes me smile already. :)

Much ado about high school

2010-08-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

There are a series of articles, books, TV shows and movies out there that portray high school as hell on earth (usually in the form of bad acting). And every time I come across this stereotype I have to laugh. I did not have the horrible high school experience everyone else seems to have had. And no, I wasn't Miss Popularity. I was overweight back then (though, much less so than I am today). I wasn't a jock - in fact, I was a choir/musical "nerd." I hung out with the ROTC kids (if that's not a label for nerdom, I don't know what is). I never spent a ton of time on my appearance for an average day at school and I didn't have a ton of boyfriends.

But I was never a social pariah.

I had my group of friends and we did our own little thing. No one bothered us and we didn't notice anyone else. I don't know. I think junior high was hell on earth but that's another post (having much to do with the fact that I had major boobage long before most of my classmates).

I have hopes that Dante and Lucy have a similar experience to mine. "Normal"- whatever that is. Not hell on earth. Just....fine.

So I want to hear from you. Do you have high school horror stories?

Mild panic episode

2010-08-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

I once heard someone say, "It's like that moment when you realize your pregnancy is going to result in an actual human being." I laughed. Because I knew I hadn't yet hit that point. Despite the nursery and the furniture; despite the kicks and indigestion; despite all of that, it wasn't quite real. Until the other night.

As I was curled up in bed drifting off to sleep, I was suddenly seized with fear and disbelief. My eyes flew open and there was one glaring thought in my mind. MY GOD, I'M PREGNANT! Last night on our way home from grabbing some dinner, I looked at Adam and quite emphatically reminded him that there was a PERSON inside of me. It went something like this.

There's a PERSON inside of me.

*laughter*

No really, a PERSON!

Not really a person. I mean, she's not done baking yet.

SHE KICKS ME, PEES IN ME, AND IS FEEDING OFF ME!

*laughter*

See, he doesn't get it. I don't know how to make him get it. But people, there's a PERSON inside of me. And she's coming out. In 15ish weeks. Which is like, no time from now. And then I'll be responsible for her. She'll depend on me for everything. If I'm not good at it, she could die!

Just some random thoughts from Casa de Luopa.

In search of faith

2010-08-06T06:01:00.001-07:00

I've been wanting to write this blog for awhile and I'm finally going to sit down and do it. It's not going to come out as eloquent or clear as it is in my head but so be it. I'm pretty sure you'll be able to follow me, regardless.

We're having a baby.

What? You didn't know?

Anyway, we're having a baby. And a lot of plans go into that. We're planning tangible things like the color of her bedroom walls, the car seat and stroller combo, and of course we've debated the merits of dressers versus changing tables. All of these things have been fun, exciting, and pretty darn easy when your husband says "You pick it, I'll do it."

But then there are harder things to plan. The less tangible. For example, how will we handle it when she realizes she and Dante have different mommy's? Or, that eternal debate over whether or not babies can and should be held often. But those are still pretty easy. Because we have to figure it out for ourselves and do what's right for Lucy. Okay, cool. We're on a roll, right.

Well, we hit a bit of a snag when we started talking baptism. And it's not even the snag you would expect. Adam and I have complimentary but different belief systems. We both believe in God. I believe in Jesus, he doesn't. I can get behind organized religion, he can't. But when all is said and done, we both believe in treating people right, loving one another, and worshiping one true God (or Gusby, as the case may be). Cool. Only, that wasn't the issue. While he doesn't think baptism really does anything, he was supportive that this was something I wanted to do. It certainly isn't going to hurt her so we were going to do it. I haven't steadily attended church since high school (a fact of which I alternate between ashamed and indifferent). But, I have that special minister in my life that really connected with me and made faith real. PJ, Bubba, John, etc. And PJ was the one to confirm me in high school, marry my husband and I 7+ years ago, marry my sister and BIL 2 years ago and so on. Seemed only fitting that he should baptize our first born.

When I started to really fear that I'd never get pregnant; when I felt like my optimism was waning; when I felt like we might need to take more drastic measures, I did the only thing I could think of. I went back to church. It just so happened PJ was at a church about 10 minutes from our home and so it seemed only logical to go there. I began attending every week, tithing, and saying daily prayers. I was asking for help. I was asking for guidance. I was asking for the little girl who is kicking me as I write this. And then, He replied. And on one evening in March, there were two pink lines and we "magically" (re: clomid, timed intercourse, temperature shift, OPKs) became parents. Never in my life has God so unequivocally and abundantly answered my prayers.

So earlier this summer I heard some alarming news. I heard that the church I had been attending had voted to leave the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) due to their highly publicized stance on gay ministers. This can't possibly be true, I thought! While the ELCA's vote was a step in the right direction, there is more work to be done! Surely everyone sees that! But alas, not everyone does. And I confirmed that Calvary Lutheran had elected to leave the ELCA.

I was devastated. I was overcome with questions and concerns about my faith, my church, and my place in the faith of Christianity. I truly understood why so many in my generation call themselves "spiritual, not religious." Because now I felt like I had been unceremoniously dumped into that category. I started to wrestle with the implications of this. What about the baptism? Am I supporting that decision if I baptize my daughter there? What choices do I have? And so, I reached out to PJ. I don't know what I expected except to sit down and try to understand what the issue was. A week ago, we had lunch. I'm not going to bore you with the details (this may already be my longest blog ever) but what I found out during that lunch did nothing but disgust me. PJ, as an individual minister, also chose to leave the ELCA. Calvary considers itself an independent Lutheran church (whatever that means). While PJ described this decision as stemming from a slew of issues with the ELCA, he could not deny that the decision to allow gay ministers was one with which he and the church disagreed. He told us (Adam was there) that homosexuality is "wrong" and that it says so in "seven places" in the Bible (no, I didn't ask for citations). He referred back to a man who sung at Adam's and my wedding. A man who was quite active in the church when I was a wee kid and to whom I've always felt a strong connection. He said that Steve was having a hard time in his life these days and it was because of the decisions he had made. Because he was gay.

Appalled.

Disgusted.

Horrified.

Just some examples of how I felt that day.

This blog is not meant as a roast of a particular individual or a particular church. It's about my struggle with my faith. And PJ referred me to a church in our neighborhood who would "embrace this issue" with me. And I'm going to check it out. Because I still want my daughter to be baptized. In my faith, for what I believe, for what I know in my heart God believes, it will be good.

So yay you if you actually read all of this. My head is still swimming and if I allow myself to follow the current, I am left sad, broken, and lost. And what is so interesting to me is that despite all of these things, I am not alone. For He is with me.

Surprise!

2010-07-11T18:18:00.000-07:00

Home again, home again. This weekend we packed up and shipped off to Des Moines, IA for a Petrie Family Reunion. The KC relatives and the Minneapolis relatives met at the midway point for a weekend of food, fun, and sun. This weekend has been in the planning since last fall so it was fun to finally get together.

Now that there's a new generation to the family, we enjoyed having seven kiddos under the age of 5 to entertain us. They were SO well behaved and fun to watch and hang out with. Adam and I got even more excited for Lucy's upcoming arrival!

Speaking of Lucy, my fabulous family took the time to throw us a surprise baby shower on Saturday night. Since I'm terrible with taking pictures (can you tell from my all text blog posts?), you're stuck with the three pics I had on my cell phone. What a treat! We are so blessed!

4th of July!

2010-07-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I became a Great Aunt. Jasmine gave birth to her son, Dwayne Evontrey. Honestly I don't know how to spell that atrocity of a middle name but we'll just go with it. I made the trip up to North Memorial last night because I felt bad. She is 16 and has no one. I didn't plan to go but she appealed to the softy in me. He's cute but I couldn't help but look at him and think of the hardships he'll face in life. Being born to a 16 year old with the baggage Jasmine has can't make for a peaceful, well adjusted life. Say a prayer if you do that sort of thing.

About 20 miles away, just 30 minutes prior to Dwayne's arrival, my cousin Scott and his wife Nikki welcomed their daughter into the world. Liliana (Lily) Amanda was also born on independence day.

It was a big baby day yesterday! Mom's and babies are all doing well. I haven't met Lily yet but am sure I will soon.

Other than that excitement, Adam and I spent the day on the couch, chilling out and watching movies. Lazy? Yes. Incredibly magnificent? Yes.

Next weekend is family reunion weekend! YAY Petrie's!

I am an emotional wreck

2010-06-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord, the mood swings. I am out of control. Sometimes I'm amazed Adam hasn't committed me yet and equally surprised I haven't committed myself. Things that mildly annoyed me before are sending me off the deep end now. Sometimes it is rage and other times it is intense sorrow. Of course there is annoyance, bafflement, and general bewilderment thrown in there as well. I haven't noticed a huge up swing in the positive moods but they're there. They just don't feel as manic I guess.

Tonight the kids (Dante and Sophia) were playing, the dogs were wrestling, and Adam was getting ready to paint. This is a very small house people!!! It was a torrential downpour outside complete with hail and tornado watches so I couldn't very well escape or kick people out. So I did the next best thing. I gave myself a time out. I'm relatively confident that there are 5 other living souls right now simply because of that decision.

I know this is pregnancy. I know this is the less enjoyable part of carrying my daughter (I'm not quite used to that yet). But man, a reprieve would be swell.

* No humans or animals were harmed in the writing of this post.

It's a girl!

2010-06-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

Today we heard the news. Baby Luopa is a GIRL! Everything looked perfect during the ultrasound though they weren't able to get as good of pictures as they'd like of the spine and nose/lips area. We'll have another quick ultrasound in 6 weeks.

After the appointment, we had lunch and did some shopping. Lots of pink!

We're thrilled and excited to meet Lucy Rae this November!

Baby Luopa shall now be known as...

2010-06-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

Psyyyyyyych! Yeah, I have no idea. Not yet. But tomorrow morning, we go in for our anatomy scan and as long as BL is cooperating, we should be able to find out the gender. We're pretty excited as neither of us has any patience. We're split on our guesses - I think it's a boy and Adam thinks it's a girl. For fun, we've tried the old wives tales and they're largely pointing to girl. So we shall see.

While we do hope for a girl (we already have our boy), we quite obviously only want a healthy, perfect little baby. As I said in my previous post, I worry. I'm already worried about the health, well-being, and overall happiness and that's what I want to see on the screen tomorrow. A beautiful heartbeat, flailing arms and legs, and a money shot if BL is so inclined.

Stay tuned.

On becoming a mother

2010-06-14T14:52:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile. Too long. It's just that I've been spending this time really thinking about how life is changing little by little each day and how much I'm learning along the way. Seven years ago Adam and I tied the knot and on that day I didn't just become a wife, I became a mother. A stepmother to be exact. And for these many years I have tried to instill traditions into our little family; take pictures to capture a moment in time (although I'm terrible at this); and to really make Dante feel like this is home. And over time, I have become pretty confidant that somewhere along the line, I morphed from step mom to just plain old mom.

But that's not true.

If BL has taught me anything, it's that I haven't been a mother at all. I'm 17 weeks pregnant with a 5", 5 oz little someone who doesn't yet have a gender, let alone a name. And I'm just learning what it means to be a mother. I'm starting to study health insurance plans and various savings plans. I'm trying to figure out how in the world I'm going to pay for college in 18 years...and braces, and hobbies, and broken somethings until then. I worry. I worry that I should be doing more to make sure he/she turns out perfect. I worry that I won't be a good mom. I worry that once BL is here, Dante won't want to be.

Because Dante's at that age now. This isn't his home. His friends aren't here, he's not really into toys anymore, and the weather is making it hard for him and his Dad to go outside and play catch or do manly things. We were so lucky to have him for a week and yet now he's decided to go home. Because that's not here. And here is not where he wants to be.

And my heart breaks. Because this isn't how I pictured it. And I know that life isn't always going to go the way you want it to. But this wasn't supposed to be baby #1. This wasn't Adam and I starting our family. This was a continuation. A bonus. A really wonderful something that would happen to three of us. But the farther I get into this pregnancy, the more I accept Dante is growing up, I come to realize that this really is a case of "...and baby makes 3!"

I wish I could be more upbeat about this but right now, I'm not really sure how all of these differently shaped, sized and colored pieces fit together. I thought I had a soon-to-be-complete puzzle but now I wonder if I even have all of the right pieces. Maybe I've never been a mom before. Maybe I'm just a step mom. Right now I don't just feel bad that I'm just a step mom but because I haven't even been good at that.

Hmm, it's been awhile...

2010-05-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

I thought I would blog more once I wasn't a closet baby maker but alas, no such luck I guess. Adam and I have been on an emotional high for a few months now as we anxiously await meeting Baby Luopa (heretofore referred to as BL).

I have made the "To Do List of Doom" for Adam. It's an exhaustive list of everything I want done before BL arrives. But not too exhaustive. Because I reserve the right to add to it as I see fit. But it includes painting walls and woodwork in virtually every room in the house, building and installing shelves, organizing basements and garages, and last - but certainly not least - the nursery.

We're already full blast into summer. Dante's playing baseball and getting better and better at batting, catching, and throwing. Adam is really enjoying going outside and throwing the ball around with him. I'm getting excited for more opportunities to grill and sit out on the deck. I love swimming and hope to do a little of that this summer too.

I am slowly but surely making progress on the dissertation and was able to submit edits last week. There's some serious motivation to get the mofo done by the end of the summer!

I hope to see more of you as we move into summer. It's been too long...and you know who you are.

My Mama

2010-05-09T05:34:00.001-07:00

In honor of Mother's Day, I thought it fitting to showcase my Mom and some of my fondest memories of her. I consider myself very lucky to call her my Mom. She has taught me how to be a strong, successful woman but at the same time, how to laugh at myself (usually because she was the one laughing at me). So without any further ado, and in no particular order, I present a few snapshots in words of my Mom:

1. Opening night of the fall musical my freshman year of high school. I, showcasing my inherent grace, fell on stage - front and center. All I can hear as I quickly get up is my Mom laughing.

2. Numerous dance recitals and dance competitions over the years where she would sit in the stands and work until I came out on stage and she would watch with undivided attention until my dance was over. Or how we would quietly mock the other Mom's and kids as the Mom's held out tights for their 13 year olds to step into.

3. The way we fought because of that guy I thought I was in love with freshman year who was a few too many years my senior.

4. The day I got my license she let me drive off to my BFFs house. When I called home to let her know I was leaving but would be a few minutes late, she grounded me from the car for a week. (Still the only parenting decision she made that I vehemently disagree with).

5. The two of us getting me into my dress and ready to leave for pictures on my wedding day. Neither one of us cried until my very sentimental cousin entered the room and started crying.

6. 5th grade and I have a book report the next day. I had procrastinated and it needed to be typed. So I would write a page and then run it downstairs to her to type up while I wrote another.

7. My first job (a cashier at Cub) required me to ride a bike to work but oftentimes my shift would end way too late to be biking home. Mom would drop a car off and ride the bike home.

8. Saturday after Saturday for 2 years Mom and I would meet at WW and support each other through the loss of many, many pounds.

9. The musical my junior year required my Mom to make me a costume in one night. She did it (and by the way, I remember all of the grumbling and annoyance that accompanied it) and I was able to wear it the next day for pictures (none of which I was in).

10. Fun runs growing up (I always hated them) and my first, and only, 5K on last years Mother's Day. She was thrilled. I still hate running.

The dance recitals/competitions, choir concerts, musicals, church performances, and various other things that a kid drags a mother to are what make up my memories of my Mom. She always put me first and made my stuff feel important. I hope I can do the same to my little.

Love you Mom. Happy Mother's Day!

What is Joy?

2010-05-05T13:40:00.001-07:00

Here's the thing. I've learned something over the past few months. I've learned that happiness and joy come in predictable and surprising packages. In my last post, I celebrated spring and I am still enjoying that blessing. Today was an absolutely exquisite 73 degrees in MN...in April! The sky was blue, the air was still, and the sun shone down brightening up every tucked away corner.

But I have found other sources of joy. I see pure joy in Dante's smile when he makes a joke at his Dad's expense. I see happiness in the way my neighbors are mowing their lawns and planting their gardens. I witness happiness in my coworkers when something finally clicks into place; when their project takes off.

And I see joy in my husbands face, when we talk about our new baby who is on the way.

Because joy can be found in two pink lines.

Baby Luopa
EDD November 25, 2010

Hello? Anybody there?

2010-05-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

I admit that I went oh so long without updating the blog but truly, I had nothing of interest to say. The dead of winter does things to me and most of it isn't pretty. I get up, stumble into work, do my thing, and come home to curl up on the couch and watch movies or bad tv. I can't get myself to be overly productive or exciting and the blog suffers. There's just nothing to say you know?

So I'm going to try to do better...if anyone is still out there reading.

Productivity. BOOYA!

2010-05-01T16:51:00.001-07:00

What's better than a boring post about what I did today? Probably everything but the boring post is all I've got.

Today I spent my time: mowing, vacuuming, scrubbing, dusting, organizing, shining, sweeping, and laundering. Tonight I have my feet up and am giving my lower back a rest as I bask in the thrill of my happy place.

Oh, and today commences the month of me. You can start sending gifts now.

*smoochies*

I had a dream...

2010-04-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

...of the most perfectest day ever.

It was magical.

Last night I dreamed that I woke up to Adam giving me the most perfect day ever. I don't know where it came from but it has already provided me with numerous smiles and one fit of giggles today.

In the dream, I woke up and came out of the bedroom to find presents as far as the eye could see. They were all shapes and sizes; wrapped in Christmas paper, birthday paper, general paper; and topped with perfect, squiggly ribbon. They were allllllll for me. (C'mon, who doesn't love presents?) I proceeded to open just one tiny gift and inside was a Banana Strawberry Lip Smacker! For some reason, this was incredibly exciting!

I then looked into the corner to see that he had set up the Christmas tree (I <3 Christmas). Except, he had only set up the bottom section of the tree. Even though it wasn't complete, I thought it was beautiful.

Finally, he topped it all off with making me all of my favorite foods. There was cake (duh!), ice cream, candy, and maybe even some non-sugary foods. Heaven.

As fabulous as that day would be, it's probably better as a dream because I'm still smiling. :)

Spring!

2010-03-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

Ah spring!

Take a deep breath.

::inhale::

::exhale::

Do you smell it? It's rebirth.

The sun is shining, the snow is gone, and the grass has the slightest green tint to it. You find that you leave the house and forget to grab a jacket. Maybe you're sleeping less. Maybe you're eating less. Maybe your general mood has improved and you're beginning to see opportunity and excitement in the most unlikely places.

What a gift.

I treasure this time of year. Maybe it has to do with my birthday (wink) but I think it has a lot more to do with the freshness in the air and the sun on my face. I love the feeling of newness and anticipation and this is what spring is to me. Anticipation of summer bonfires, scorching heat, and many more hours in the day.

Happy spring!!!

The roles we play

2010-02-27T16:11:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought much about how who we are is dependent on who we're with? I am a wife, a stepmother, a daughter, a sister. I am a co-worker and a team leader. I am a niece, an aunt, a granddaughter, a cousin, and a friend. And I can be most of these things in one day. And usually I can glide seamlessly between and among them without a thought. But then there are those rare days when it's hard to just be Me.

So what does this mean? Who sees the "true me"? Well that's the beauty of this. Everyone does because I'm multi-faceted and have different sides to my personality. Just because I get giggly with my friends and I talk about work and the dissertation with my family doesn't mean that either of those things are false. It's what makes me (and you) a complex individual capable of different depths, ideas, and characteristics.

Let's add more complexity to this. Your friends could think your great, your family can love you, but your coworkers could think that you need to get your head out of your ass. How is that possible? If you're great to some, can't you be great to all? Well no, you can't. And maybe that's a good thing. It keeps us honest and always striving for better.

For those of you who get overwhelmed with the different roles you play, remember this. You are great one way or another.

My answer is still "yes"

2010-02-15T15:21:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is a special day in the Luopa household. Yesterday couples the world over (or those made up of high school students anyway) celebrated the international day of love while we treated it like any other day. But tomorrow marks the 8 year anniversary of the day Adam proposed to me. Back on Valentine's Day 2002, Adam went out shopping and came home with the kissing bears from Hallmark (remember those?). I loved them! But apparently he had a little something else up his sleeve. At this point we had been friends for 8 months and officially dating for 3 weeks. Crazy, I know. Two days later, in the mosh pit of a Creed concert, Adam took out the ring during one of my favorite songs. I swooned and said yes. There's a lot more to this story (about how valiantly Adam tried to get on stage in order to propose) but he should tell that story.

Personally, I like the way Sean (Adam's brother) tells it. Sure, we had only been dating 3 weeks officially, but we dated for a long time before that...we just didn't kiss. :)

So on February 16, 2010 I will be enjoying time with my main man. 8 years later, my answer is still yes.

Happy and Hopeful

2010-02-07T14:19:00.000-08:00

What makes you happy and hopeful? In the past 4 or 5 weeks, I've rediscovered some of the things that make me happy and hopeful and found some new things to add to the list. In the doldrums of winter it's sometimes hard to see the beauty around us but I've had some incredible experiences since the new year that remind me that they're still out there to see.

One snowy morning I was outside with my dogs watching the snowflakes fall. It was one of those snowfalls where it sticks to the trees and seems to just float from the sky. I closed my eyes, looked up, and felt the snowflakes stick to my eyelashes. It was incredibly peaceful.

While I could write a whole blog (and nearly did) around all of the reasons it sucks to be an adult. But instead of focusing on the negatives, I want to celebrate the little "wins." Sundays are spent gearing up for the coming week. Grocery shopping, laundry, email catch-up (unfortunate but true), and cuddle time. It's a great way to recenter ones self before jumping back into things Monday morning.

Or maybe they're more simplistic:
Realizing that you're not in it alone.
Realizing that you can fight with your husband and it's no big deal...even when you're still a little miffed. :)
Realizing that there's opportunity around every corner...even when you start to think that all opportunities have passed you by.

Or perhaps the best yet...
Realizing that although you haven't seen your friends for ages, that they're still your friends. And you know that when you finally all have time to get together again, you'll be able to pick up where you left off.

Miss you all and hope you find something(s) to be happy and hopeful about!

The Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling Nazi

2010-01-27T04:47:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I've written this post before and if so, I apologize. It's just that it is so prevalent in my consciousness that I can't seem to block it out! You know what I'm talking about. You know someone...maybe it's you (but I doubt it)...who either can't or won't spell anything correctly. I've said it before and I'll say it again, but email and text messaging are the downfall of the English language.

It's painful to read. All I want to do is hide you (Facebook) or not respond to you. If you don't put forth the effort, then I have to believe that you don't have much respect for me as the reader of your drivel. Now that we're in our 30's, I don't believe that you honestly think that dropping your g's is cool (e.g., goin). And this is all made more upsetting if you are a teacher...my God...what chance does our younger generation have when YOU are the one teaching them??? And if you're an English teacher? Well, I just need to go lie down.

Here's the thing. I don't expect perfection. Typos, an occasional misspelled word, etc....they are common amongst the most intelligent people. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the individuals who think this is a coherent, intelligent sentence:

"feelin a chest cold commin on so powerwalked it this mornin 2 miles."
OR
"Was, all the same who remotely even during real decided to even use would like the volatile view rather making to go you?"

If you care that little about how you present yourself in written word, then knock yourself out. However, I can't help but think you're a tool.

Overwhelmed

2010-01-23T10:11:00.000-08:00

I realized today that I am overwhelmed. I know I use the word a lot and it's probably getting old to hear it but this morning was one of those mornings where you are ranting and raving (in your head), running around the house trying to get shit done, and even putting off having to pee because gosh darnit, you have to get the dishwasher emptied!

Odd that a morning such as this should immediately follow the news that I lost 6.6 lbs in one week. AMEN! PRAISE JESUS! But that couldn't carry me through the icy roads, the over-packed grocery store, and the realization that there's a crap ton to do around the house. Upon walking in the door I was a whirlwind of activity. A bazillion trips from the car with groceries, emptying the dishwasher and then filling it again with the dirty dishes that were piled in and around the sink. Piling up of garbage by the front door (which, coincidentally the 10 year old took outside for me without being asked....I suspect my mood was obvious). And why am I so overwhelmed?

Maybe it's the fact that I gained back nearly all 50+ lbs I lost. Sweet. Maybe it's the fact that I'm trying to get this damn proposal done so that I can just take a breather for a minute. Maybe it's because I put too much pressure on myself. Wait. What? Oh yeah, I know I do it. But clearly, I don't have enough goals in life and should really try and find something to work towards. *snort*

So the purpose of this particular missive? Hell if I know. It's an opportunity to vent...to get it all down on "paper" so that I can actually be a joy to be around today. It's something to do since the 10 year old plopped himself on the toilet right when I was going to allow myself the break to pee.

Whatever it is, let's all make a promise to ourselves today...because I know you're guilty of this too. Let's promise to be kind to ourselves; to take a break; to enjoy life. The rest will get done eventually.

Faith

2010-01-22T11:25:00.000-08:00

I've started going back to church recently. Back in the day (re: high school) I was very involved in my church. I did a weekly bible study with my peers, was in the church choir, attended services every week, and even participated in "clowning"...an odd form of worship where you dress up as a clown and act it all out. Don't ask. Anyway, back in high school, I planned to go to college for psychology and then find my way to seminary. Off to college I went but seemed to have lost my way a bit. Freshman year I went to the on campus church service sporadically at best and by the time I had graduated and was living with Mr. Wonderful, it was a miracle if I was even a "chreaster".

By now most of you know that Adam isn't a fan of organized religion. He considers himself "spiritual, not religious." That's fair. But over the past decade I've always felt that something was missing. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot about organized religion I disagree with or downright dislike...but there are a lot of things about it that appeal to me. Namely, it's the congregating of people who have similar beliefs and are turning their attention to something good.

Because PJ (Pastor John) is now at a church in Golden Valley, it seemed it was now the right time. PJ was my minister growing up. He helped me develop a relationship with God, I babysat his son (oh so many stories there) and he showed me that a minister can be a real person too. So right after the new year I wrestled myself out of bed and into the car on a cold Sunday morning and headed to church.

I teared up throughout the entire service. It was obvious that it was where I needed to be. I was able to visit with PJ, his wife, and his two kids (the one I babysat is now 16!) afterwards. I felt good. I have continued to go since then save for a Sunday where I worshiped the porcelain god instead. Hmm...I hope I don't go to hell for that one.

Since that first service I have prayed daily for myself, my family, and my friends. I have found peace much more swiftly when faced with things that upset me. There is much that I want to change in my life - some of which I have control over and others I do not - and I can do that through my faith.

I'm not a crazy born-again or anything like that but I have found some comfort in my faith after some time where it was all very distant to me. It's nice to be home. :)

10 Minutes

2010-01-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

To take after my BFF Phil, I thought I'd give myself 10 minutes to blog. I don't have anything incredibly earth shattering to say but that's no different than any other time, really.

Adam and I recently watched seasons 2 and 3 of The IT Crowd. Okay, maybe there are a few episodes left but you get the point. It's a British show and really freakin' funny. And so quotable! Take, for example:

1. "If you type 'google' into Google, you will break the Internet."
2. "I thought I could make it work between us because you looked a bit like a man!"
3. "I'll just put this over here with the rest of the fire."
4. "Its not you, it's me. No; actually it's not me it IS YOU!"
5. "Strap a seat belt on your ears Roy, cuz I'm about to take 'em for a wild ride!"

Usually I'm not a huge fan of British comedy and after the first season I wasn't too impressed. However, I laughed my ass off last night. I highly recommend the show.

Ok...it's only been 4 minutes but it's all I can handle today.

A new year

2009-12-31T17:08:00.000-08:00

I have been reticent to write this post. It has been written, edited, revised, changed, and hopelessly deleted numerous times in my head. While the purpose of this blog is for me to have a place to air my thoughts on everything from bags to stepmotherhood, it was a little more than a bit scary to air this particular subject on the interwebs. Seeing as how my sister and my mother (bless them both) found it challenging to keep this secret...well secret, I figured I might as well bite the bullet and write the damn post.

We're trying to get pregnant.

Trying being the operative word here. In December of 2008 I dumped the birth control and Adam and I started to get it on with giggle sessions afterwards where we wondered if maybe this time we did it. I've spent 13 months with my legs in the air (figuratively) while we gave it the old college try. My disclaimer here: of course practicing is fun! But we've practiced. No more dress rehearsals...I'm ready for opening night!

Some of you may remember my post from way back where I gave lil miss PCOS the big FU. And that was my covert (or perhaps not-so-covert) way of saying that all was not well in baby making land. In 13 months, we've been able to try 5 times. That's it. Damn PCOS. Three of those times involved doctors visits, medications, temperature taking, OPK taking, and tears. One med to start the period and another to (as yet unsuccessfully) stimulate ovulation. Rinse and repeat. Still no pink line or excuse to "eat for two." In that 13 months, friends and family members have gotten pregnant and had babies. I do not begrudge them this joy! I'm just jealous.

So I'm putting this out to Gusby as well as any of you who still read this. I'm working towards of a feeling of zen; a recognition that God has a plan; a healthy place. I may never blog about this again. Maybe I will. But either way, I promise to not inundate you with tales of the BBT or pee stick. If you pray, think positive thoughts, meditate, or have some extra luck lying around, I would welcome all of the above. I'm not giving up the fight (far from it) but as the calendar turns over to a new year, I will be reinvesting in myself and my health - mentally and physically. Can't hurt right?

Now that it is new years eve, my wish for 2010 is to have all of that practice pay off. I hope you all get whatever it is you're hoping for as the clock strikes 12. Happy and healthy 2010 to you all.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-25T20:28:00.000-08:00

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

Christmas 2009 marked a very, very white Christmas. I don't know what the final snow total is but I think my back may know.

On Thursday morning we packed up the car with food for two family gatherings, gifts for two family gatherings as well as Christmas morning with Dante, two dogs, and two dog kennels. We left SLP, after I shoveled 5-6 inches from the driveway, walkway, steps, and deck, and headed to the in-law's in Burnsville. We arrived and got about half unpacked before I loaded the boy and Jasmine into the car and headed to Cottage Grove to attend the Christmas Eve church service with my Mom and Dad. It was a nice service where I saw some familiar faces and was able to focus on what the holiday means to me. On our way back to Burnsville the snow was starting to fly again and I was anxious to get back before the weather deteriorated.

I had Dante call ahead and tell Adam that I wanted him to pull the car into my in-laws driveway (since it's nearly vertical in its steepness). When I pulled up, Adam was waiting but I decided that since I had forward momentum, I should try. Well, I got it about 3/4 of the way up the driveway. As the kids and I were exiting the running car (E brake "on") so that Adam could try again, the car proceeded to slide down the driveway into the path of a moving car. Adam ran to jump in and hit the brake. As of now, we don't know if it was the break or just hitting flatter ground that stopped the car. Adam got the car in the driveway, put 2x4's behind the front tires and we proceeded to enjoy a festive evening with Adam's family.

We stayed the night in Burnsville with our pups...

*Jenny/Phil just asked me what I was blogging about and then told me to write that she just asked me what I was blogging about*

...so that if we didn't get home with the weather, the boys wouldn't be left to starve and hang in their feces. In the morning - Christmas morning - I got up early and got ready. I got the boys up and Dante opened his presents from Santa and we hit the road. The plow had gone by overnight so I was prepared to shovel at least the end of the in-laws driveway but Adam figured we'd have enough momentum to break through. We didn't. He shoveled us out. Finally on our way we headed to Eagan so that Dante could open presents from Santa (again) with his Mom. It appeared that Jessi's street hadn't been plowed yet in the entire storm and we proceeded to get stuck...in the street...about a block from her house. Dante ran in to start opening presents. Nearly a half hour later, Adam was on his way to plowed ground to wait while I picked up a plastic piece from the undercarriage of the car that was a victim of our white Christmas. I went in, watched Dante open his remaining presents. Afterwards Dante and I bundled up and hoofed it a few blocks to the car. This is when it started to sleet. Ow.

Eventually we made it to my parents house to spend Christmas day with my family. It was a great, quiet day although Kari (the sister) and Eli (the brother-in-law) didn't make it down from St. Cloud.

At the end of the day we picked up the dogs, all the crap and kennels, and headed home. We expected feet upon feet of snow in the driveway to find only a couple of inches. We were thrilled! Of course, with the snow/rain/sleet/shit we had received over the past 24+ hours that snow weighed A TON! We got it all shoveled up, salt on the walkways and were indoors for the duration.

And now, Phillio is here and she and Adam are boozing it up while playing Guitar Hero/Rockband as I write this. A fabulous cap to the Christmas holiday.

I hope you all had a great Christmas and were well spoiled.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2009-12-22T17:25:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again! On the eve of December 22nd, while I check off my mental list of gifts already purchased and write a new list for that final trip to the grocery store, I thought it was time to post a blog and bid you all a happy holiday!

Rumor has it we're supposed to get 24 inches of snow over the course of 48+ hours. Right over Christmas. During our travel in and around the cities. Fabulous. I can't say that I believe it so much - those meteorologists tend to make things sound worse than they ever turn out to be. However, my Dad was pretty convinced, as evident in the following email conversation between himself, me, my Mom, and my sister:

Condor: 2 feet of snow?!?! Paul Douglas is going off the deep end. Kari if you make it down you and Eli better pack a bag. I'll get the sheets washed. 24 inches...really...

Mom: It's actually making me a little nervous with the driving you all will have to do.

Me: They always make it sound worse than it ends up to be.

Kari: Yuck. Makes me nervous too. Not to mention that Eli has to work Saturday morning...

Mom: Well, the weather people are always wrong so though I'm sure we'll get snow, it never seems to be as bad as they think it is going to be.

Me: Is there an echo in this email thread? :)

Condor: Regardless, the traveling will be extremely slow so you'll need to plan accordingly.

Kari: 10-4. That's cop talk for okay.

Condor: Pack your cars properly with the appropriate clothes, including boots, a shovel and music that will help to keep your blood pressure down. I hate to be the devil's advocate but I think they'll be closer to being right this time. Call it male intuition. [Male intuition? Isn't that an oxymoron?]

Me: Absolutely! I will have my flip-flops on and the coconut bra in the back. I'll make sure Dante wears long shorts instead of his high waters. Adam should be all set in his speedo.

Condor: This from a person who hasn't zipped up her winter coat, while wearing it, since 1984.

*chuckles* Merry Christmas to you and yours!!! May your holidays be full of similar chuckles and may you stay safe, healthy, and warm.

Kris

Traditions

2009-12-13T13:08:00.001-08:00

I'm a sucker for traditions. If you know me and have been paying attention, you know this. The holiday season is the catalyst for the vast majority of the traditions I remember from my youth and am trying to instill in my little family for the future.

Dayton's/Marshall Fields/Macy's 8th Floor
For as long as I can remember, we've been going to the 8th floor auditorium of that department store downtown and walking through the animated story they have put on display that year. Afterwards we would visit Santa and maybe even get a cookie at the little shop at the end. I remember my Grandpa picking Kari and I up after school and then picking Grandma up to head downtown and meet my Mom after work. When we got a little older we did this on the weekends and the Santa visit was replaced by breakfast. For the last 8 years, Adam and Dante have joined us and slowly my family has dwindled out. This year we didn't go for the first time. Macy's doesn't seem to have the same commitment as Dayton's once had and they recycled last years (bad) display.

Christmas Displays
Every year we drive around looking at home Christmas displays. The Star Tribune lists them across the Twin Cities and I put together a route for us. We get coffee/hot chocolate, turn on the Christmas music, and drive around. We critique the displays and always talk about doing something similar at our house (but never do). We did this last night and saw some really good stuff!

Christmas Crafts
Every year, Dante makes Christmas ornaments for his aunts and uncles and grandparents. As a kid from parents that are no longer together, he gets more stuff than he knows what to do with. Years ago, I decided he needed to go through the work to give something back. He finished up this years project this weekend and at 10, he still enjoys it.

And I'm cuddled on the couch with my pups and my laptop enjoying another holiday tradition. Every year I watch White Christmas and enjoy the music, the dancing, and the simplicity of movies made in the 50's. There's something about Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney, and Vera-Ellen that puts me in the Christmas spirit.

So from my couch to yours, Merry Christmas! I hope you're enjoying some traditions of your own!

Viva vacation!

2009-11-30T05:06:00.001-08:00

I probably should have written this blog yesterday when I was off work and lazy. But that's just it...I was lazy. So I'm taking a few minutes out of my first day back to share a snapshot of our trip to Cape Cod.

Adam's parents are incredibly kind and like to take us on vacations. This year we went to Cape Cod (via Boston) in order to enjoy the east coast and spend time with Michael and Patricia's friend. We spent about a day and a half in Boston proper and saw old cemeteries, Quincy Market, Cheers, the Museum of Fine Art, Harvard, and MIT as well as lots of other stuff via car and quick drive by's. We rode the subway (man I wish Minneapolis had one of those!) and walked a lot and enjoyed each others company.

While on the cape, we stayed with M&Ps friend and were able to walk along the shore of the Atlantic Ocean on Thanksgiving. We visited small cape towns and checked out their little store fronts. Speaking of which...we got a little Christmas shopping done too.

Adam received Reiki training so if anyone wants to let him perform it on you, let him know. :) I still haven't received a full session yet. I tried lobster for the first time and determined it gross and we were able to see Adam's aunt and two cousins for lunch in Boston on our last day.

I brought articles along and spent a lot of the day Thursday reading up for my literature review. Super fun times.

We had a great time as is usual. I was thrilled to finally visit the cape and hope to make my way back soon. Travel was a breeze with all four flights (damn layovers!) being on time. And we were able to come back to two very happy, relaxed, well cared for and loved pups courtesy of Ms. Jenny Lane.

Time to get to work.

Why is the stepmother always evil in Disney movies?

2009-11-15T16:35:00.000-08:00

When Adam and I started dating 8 years ago, we reveled in the fact that Dante would never know a time when I wasn't in his life. We were thrilled at the idea that we wouldn't have to go through that awkward time where he had to get used to me and learn that I too would raise him, set rules, and even discipline him when necessary. We were happy that this would make our time through his childhood easier. And we were right, to a degree. He's never known anything else so has yet to question any amount of authority I may have. I haven't heard the dreaded "You're not my mom!" and yet I know that it is inevitable; that someday I will. We have worked hard to make our little grouping of three a real family with traditions and quality time whenever possible.

What we didn't foresee 8 years ago was that for all of the perks to having known Dante for so long, there would be things that I would miss. Things that would not happen or present themselves in quite the way that I was hoping for. For 8 years I have gone to Christmas concerts, school plays, and parent-teacher conferences. I have dropped him off at daycare and picked him up. I have stayed home and cared for him when he was sick. I've hosted birthday parties and even a sleepover. I've played Santa, the Easter Bunny, and doctor to numerous boo boos. I have been a mother.

But for 8 years, I have seen and been shown numerous pictures that have been drawn, worksheets that have been completed, and journals that have been written. And through the years, there has been one question consistently asked by every teacher in every grade. It is that question around who is in his family.

I'm never on that list.

This came up again this year on Thursday night. We picked Dante up from basketball practice at school and while he grabbed his coat and backpack, we perused the "about me" worksheets hanging in the hallway. For Dante's family, he had listed his Mom, his Dad, his sister, and "the rest of my extended family." I made a comment to Adam about it but not to Dante. Never to Dante. But apparently it was percolating because last night, it made a raucous appearance as Adam and I were cuddling in for sleep.

I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. (Hey, at least I'm not broken anymore, right?) It's not about expecting to replace his mother. It's about some recognition from Dante, no matter how small, that he sees me on par with his bio-parents. Just my name in that list would have been hugely important to me but to assume I'm wrapped in with "extended family" was a tough pill to swallow.

In my mind and in my heart I'm a mother. Plain and simple. And it's hard to not have the tangible signs that this is true.

Being thankful

2009-11-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

Last night, I saw something on Facebook that made me smile. A friend had posted the following as her status and I in turn did the same:

Let's see how many people can do this. Every day this month until Thanksgiving, think of one thing that you are thankful for and post it as your status. "Today I am thankful for..." The longer you do it, the harder it gets! Now if you think you can do it then repost this message as your status to invite others to take ...the challenge, then post what YOU are thankful for today.

I love this. I love this because too many of us (yours truly included) tend to focus on the negative in our statuses. We're tired, we don't want to be at work, we're frustrated with co-workers and/or friends and the list goes on. What we don't take time to do is state what we're thankful for or happy about. So I took this challenge to heart and I will be focusing on the positive and my blessings for the next few weeks (and hopefully longer than that).

Normally I would wait to post my blessings on Thanksgiving but...

1) I'm thankful for my upcoming trip to Cape Cod for Thanksgiving! I'm thankful that my in-laws chose to take us all on this trip, for the opportunity to go somewhere I've never been, and to be able to have a change of scenery for awhile!

2) I'm thankful for my employment. At a time when the reported unemployment rate is 10.2%, I'm very happy to say that I have a job and a job that I love. I am thankful that I am consistently challenged and that my job has afforded me the opportunity to get a masters degree and (eventually) a doctorate.

3) I'm thankful for my friends. You know who you are. I'm thankful for your humor, your love for life, and the way that you make me laugh. I'm thankful for knowing that you all have my back should I pick a fight with a biker in Sturgis. No? Well, it was worth a shot.

4) I'm thankful for opportunity. Everyday I see opportunity whether it be the opportunity to save 50 cents at the grocery store "INSTANTLY" or an opportunity for a new challenge. I need to get better about taking them.

5) I'm thankful for Mr. Wonderful who wouldn't have this title without everything he does for me. Some of it is tangible and some of it is not but he puts a smile on my face everyday and makes it easier for me to sleep at night. Thank you Bradley Cooper! *giggles* Okay, srsly, thanks baby!

There's so much more and maybe that will be a part 2. Right now, I'm thankful for the fact that I'm on vacation in 4 hours. Huzzah!

Organized religion and that whole thing

2009-11-01T17:07:00.000-08:00

When I was 4, my parents bought their first house and moved us to Cottage Grove. They had decided they needed the space to raise their children and build a family. My sister was born 2 months later.

When they had chosen where they would raise their children, they also chose a church. St. Luke was a small, relatively new church located a few miles from home. It is here that Kari (my sister) was baptised, where we both took first communion and confirmation, and where Adam and I were married. Over the course of all those years, we were active members with my Mom and I both serving on church council, running many, many Easter breakfasts, and leading a variety of groups and events. Today, my parents have been members of St. Luke for 26 years.

Back in August, the ELCA synod (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) voted to allow gay and lesbians in committed relationships to serve as ministers in ELCA churches. While I think it's a bullshit decision, it's not the point of this blog.

St. Luke council voted un-unanimously to withhold its benevolence payments to the ELCA as a stand against the decision. This council decision was not brought to the congregation for notification or discussion until this afternoon. An open forum took place today which allowed congregational members to speak out. While I wasn't there, I received the play-by-play from my Mom.

This whole mess bothers me. It's because of things like this that the majority of my generation says they are "spiritual, not religious" or that they dislike organized religion. It's when we take a social issue and build rules around them "in the name of God." For a church that had such a positive impact on my life and my family, I'm deeply disappointed that it has lost its way. While I'm not a member anymore and while I don't attend church anymore, it still greatly bothers me.

What's "Christian" about this whole mess?

I think I'm one of those really scary stalkers...

2009-10-27T08:14:00.001-07:00

...or this is a fine example of the "small world" in which we live.

I'm leaning towards the former, for what it's worth.

So there's a blog I read that is truly a random chick from out in the interwebs with whom I would love to be friends. I am a follower and so I read her blogs on a regular basis and giggle at her quick wit. She's also on twitter and recently I've started reading her tweets.

Today I was reading her recent tweets and she had a congratulations tweet to some random. I don't know why folks, but I chose to click on the name and find out who this random is. Random #2 has a picture on her twitter page and she looked vaguely familiar. Lo and behold, she lives in Minneapolis. Now I'm really curious. She's not smart on the interwebs thing and announced the birth of her new baby with the full name...including last. So now that I have her last name *facepalm* I searched for her on Capella's intranet. Sure enough, she's a Capella employee whom I know (but don't work with).

So now the question, do I send her an email of congratulations and describe the stalkerish way in which I found her? Or do I let it go?

And we're launched!

2009-10-25T19:02:00.001-07:00

It's official. On Thursday, October 22nd the project I have been working on for a year finally launched ... to silence. What's that you say? No hiccups? No fanfare? No freak outs? Nope, none of the above. Which is a good thing. A very, very good thing. It appears that for the most part, all systems are go. The environment works (huzzah!) and is being met with little fear or confusion.

*sigh*

Do you hear that? That, my friends, is what you call sweet relaxation.

It was touch and go there for awhile. I mean, think back to my post where I was told we had a 30% chance of success. Oy. And then the fact that I got sick ... deathly sick ... for the two days pre-launch and had to reschedule team training. But it's Sunday night and tomorrow I head back to work to start the two week post-launch clean-up phase. Yes, we'll find problems. Yes, we'll have some work to do yet. But I have dedicated Business Analysts and Developers to help get these things fixed and for that I am extremely grateful!

So what's next on the docket? Tomorrow night is a launch party happy hour and should be a great opportunity to get everyone into one room to thank them for all of their hard work over the past year. And soon, I will have some serious time off to dedicate towards my dissertation since my proposal is due no later than January 27th. Thank God. It'll be nice to get that hurdle behind me.

The holidays are quickly approaching and I love me some Christmas!

Things are looking up and looking good. I'm feeling a little more relaxed (and a bit pleased with myself too, I might add).

Onward and upward!

Mr. Wonderful

2009-10-12T18:48:00.000-07:00

After 4 glorious days off (and a 5th if you count the work from home Monday due to a cold) of nothing more than hanging out with my main squeeze, I must say that he is a-maz-ing! I'm one lucky lady.

That is all.

I think this is what one might call an "epic fail"

2009-10-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

We are two weeks from release of the authoring environment I have been working on for over a year. Two weeks. I'm now in an official state of "tizzy" where I'm currently running around trying to mitigate risks associated with data integrity/migration and the fires that are raging each and every day.

I have two days off making for a glorious 4 day weekend. It's a horrid time to be doing this but I'm burning out and burning out quick.

So, prior to leaving the office this afternoon, I decided to stop in the "war room" where all of the developers work. My plan was to check in and see if they needed anything from me prior to leaving on PTO. They were not at their desks so I smiled, waved to the project manager and said I'd be on my way. He responded with "let's have a seat and talk." Never, ever good. He proceeds to tell me that the final build of the environment...the build that will be used in the production environment as of October 22nd...is ready. The developers, business analysts and others were shut in a conference room this afternoon (when I visited) and they were "banging" on the environment doing some load testing. Okay, makes sense. He continues to tell me that when the environment is pointed at the dummy data, the speed was improved and everything was working fabulously. When they pointed the environment to our data (1200+ courses, 34 degree programs, 122+ specializations, 25+ certificates...) the environment crashes and burns. It burns so hard, there aren't even any error logs on the server to give any indication where the problem is.

I'm still not very alarmed. I mean, they'll figure it out right?

He proceeds to tell me that I shouldn't be alarmed...that he hopes he'll be emailing me while I'm out to tell me that they've found the problem, fixed it, and everything is hunky dory. Great! I say. So what are the chances I'm going to get this email? He says, 30%.

WHAT?!

He follows that up by saying that if worse comes to worst, we'll just fail the project and move onto a scalability build.

WHAT?!

I left the office in a daze realizing that an entire year of work could be deemed a failure. How did this happen?!

So tonight I sit here wondering what will unfold over the next couple of days. I'm still on PTO though I'm reachable and will be waiting with bated breath for every email that arrives in my inbox.

Say a prayer folks. Say a prayer.

It's all tied together

2009-10-04T07:02:00.001-07:00

I can always tell when something in my life is a little out of whack (or at least different than the norm). If one aspect is crazy and a bit unpredictable, then the other aspects tend to suffer because my energy is no longer distributed across all of my responsibilities.

While work requires much more time, energy, and focus all I need to do is stop for just a minute or so and look around. My house is a mess. It is in complete disarray. Dishes need to be washed, laundry needs to be done and the floor (love my dogs but srsly!) needs a vacuuming very, very badly. That's just one aspect. Another is how I eat. I eat TERRIBLY when things get out of whack. Pizza, pasta, and sweets galore. Seriously, it's out of control.

For some of you there is the more obvious fact that my social life suffers and I don't see my friends as much as I need to or should.

Today is the day I take a deep breath get my house in order, do a little work, and take care of myself so that I can start the week in a better place than I ended the last.

My (not-so-secret) Secret

2009-09-21T05:35:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love to be utterly, crazy-assed busy. I do. No matter how much I bitch and moan (and I admit that I do probably more than my fair share), I thrive under the pressure. As a high school student, my Mom once marveled that my grades were better the busier I was. Take for example the quarter I had school, confirmation, musical, work, and volleyball. It was, perhaps, my best academic quarter! (And for those of you who noticed volleyball in there, it is not a lie. It only lasted the one season.)

So now that work is insanely busy; now that I worked 12-16 hours over the weekend...including during Dante's football game; now that I set an alarm for 4:30 this morning and was at my desk by 6, I can still say that. I. Love. To. Be. Busy!

I had a work "date" with my boss last night. We have a big presentation this morning that we found out about late last week. We were checking in around 10pm to see what else needed to be done. She thanked me profusely (in capital letters, no less) and called me a "life saver" due to my willingness to help and the hours I've worked to do it. I love that.

Phil will easily guess what's coming next.

I also love this because my GOD how it makes my performance review THAT MUCH MORE AWESOME! For those of you who don't know, I heart performance reviews. I have never, not once in my life, experienced any kind of trepidation over a review. It is an opportunity, at least once a year, for me to revel in kind, wonderful things being said about - and to - me. I have said many times that I don't work for the job I have. I have it...it's not a challenge or a goal to be attained anymore. I work for the job I want. The next job. And the next job I want is my boss' job (she knows this).

So, on this chilly September Monday morning, I say to you, I am looking forward to this day!

You know it's going to be a long day when...

2009-09-08T06:23:00.000-07:00

It's going to be a long day. I know this for a few reasons. The most obvious being that I left the house around 6:30 this morning and I won't return until around 10:30 or 11 tonight. But it doesn't stop there, folks. I also know this because on my way to the bus, walking 2 or so blocks, I stepped wrong on a rock in my cute, comfy wedges. I was carrying my laptop bag, a bag for my lunch and softball gear, and my purse so my weight was thrown off and I fell. Hit the ground on all fours. Skinned my knee and my palm. My wrists hurt and I have a general feeling of soreness throughout my body that will likely be a problem tomorrow or the day after. Fail.

Oh, there's more!

The hem of one leg of my new, but already too long, dress pants came out so now I'm constantly stepping on, and tripping on, the left pant leg. I look like a hobo. Stay tuned...there's probably at least one more fall in my future today. Fail.

Then, I attempted to log into a virtual meeting room and spelled my own last name wrong. Fail.

This was all before 8am. Fail. Fail. FAIL!

I blame my morning escapades on the fact that my mind is never quite in the moment and focused on what I'm currently doing. Work is crazy these days. Not regular "everybody is busy" and "companies today expect too much from their employees" kind of busy but "holy sh!t, I'm drowning in a sea of to do lists and gasping for breath" kind of a busy. The system launch I have been working on for a year now (it was supposed to be 3 months) is releasing on October 22nd. Prior to that date, I'm working on data migration into that system (and managing two - truly fabulous - temps), the communication plan, the training plan/development, demos, final requirements gathering, user acceptance testing, report mock-up reviews, and the general "get your asses in gear people" kind of meetings, one-on-one's, and emails.

Did I mention that this is in addition to my regular, full-time job?

I'm working every night and every weekend day and don't anticipate this finishing until after the system release. I'm not working on my dissertation at all because I have to be 150% focused on work. My ability to get together with friends and family is non-existent and that is the ultimate reason for this post.

Please be patient with me over the next couple of months. Please understand that it's not you, it's me. Know that it's not for lack of wanting to see you that we may go longer than normal between visits. Know that this is hurting me more than it's hurting you. :p

And just to point out the obvious...I've now just lost 15 minutes of my workday to the writing of this blog. And THAT wasn't so smart.

Public Transportation

2009-08-24T17:27:00.000-07:00

Most of us undoubtedly have pretty good stories of unsavory or just plain not-quite-there characters on public transportation. I have a few. There was the tram between concourses in Paris where the guy sitting next to my sister-in-law smelled like a farm. Really, he encapsulated every stereotype surrounding Parisian hygiene. Or, there was the time while riding the light rail that I got invited to "take it outside" by a young "lady" because I took exception to her spitting the shells of her sunflower seeds on the train floor.

Today, I had another such experience. Unfortunately everyday downtown I witness numerous men and women who are homeless and wander the streets stealing spent cigarette butts and some cover from the rain and sun. Most of these individuals are also mentally impaired in some way. The majority of those keep to themselves and you may once in awhile hear them muttering to themselves but you can't quite make out what they're saying. And that's okay because I, like most people, would rather not hear it anyway. This morning, my bus arrived downtown and turned onto Nicollet. At the very first stop, a middle-aged gentleman boarded the bus. I'm relatively certain by the stories he was telling that he is homeless albeit one of the cleanest homeless individuals I have encountered downtown. He proceeded to speak at top volume so all on the double-length bus could hear his story. He just left the mission because his girlfriend kicked him out. She was upset because he couldn't keep it up. *insert requisite chuckle here* He then proceeded to ask everyone on the bus if they wanted some of the food he got from the food shelf. As he held up some canned ham he remarked that he didn't know why they give him this stuff since he has nowhere to cook it, damn it! Fo sho. During his harmless and funny diatribe, the bus driver kept chiding him saying "let's not disturb everyone on the bus" to which he'd reply "yes, ma'am" and continue with his story. All in all, he was actually quite a happy guy.

When I was standing at the front of the bus as it pulled up to my stop, the bus driver bid me good day and I said the same. She then apologized to me. I can only assume she was apologizing for the man who entertained me for 5 blocks. Of course I told her not to worry. No harm, no foul. But it got me to thinking. It's unfortunate that this display is embarrassing and inconvenient for those of us who work 9-5, pay a mortgage, and help our kids with homework. It's sad that the bus driver felt the need to apologize to me for another individual...one who she doesn't know, certainly has no control over, and generally was not a problem.

So while I still chuckle 12 hours after the fact, I continue to think about that lonely man who likely just wanted a friend or two to listen to his story and care. I think about the quiet woman who carries 3-4 bags around downtown with her everyday and quietly picks through the ash trays looking for a trace of tobacco. Or the slightly scary guy who showers twice a year and sports an impressive mass of hair atop his head that progressively starts to look like moldy cheese.

I should probably do more. But I'm awfully comfortable in my house thankful for what I have.

My thoughts on...bags

2009-08-10T06:43:00.000-07:00

Bags are wonderful. They allow you to carry gear and they come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and purposes. You can have a backpack or a messenger bag. A purse or a clutch. You can carry items in paper, plastic, or reusable canvas. You can even imagine a bag of holding and carry EVERYTHING you ever wanted. Really, they're quite wonderful things.

So imagine my surprise when I happened upon a man in the skyway this morning carrying a bag with his BIKE in it. I've seen this before but it never ceases to cause me to roll my eyes and wonder why this is such a necessity. What's next? A bag to carry your stove in? In case you want a home cooked meal in the middle of the workday in your cube?

I am freaking out

2009-08-07T12:18:00.000-07:00

In my new role at work, my biggest area for "improvement" is the ability to delegate tasks. I am like many over-achievers and seem to subscribe to the old adage that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. As part of a project at work, I have seized upon the opportunity to work with another individual and have them take on some of the tasks that don't really need my expertise. I wanted to do it so that I could get accustomed to delegating and I had to do it because I just couldn't complete those tasks with the other responsibilities I have.

Today it was proven, yet again, that I just can't trust others to do work. None of it is done and he was asking me "what were the instructions again?" I also found out today that he had passed some of the work onto another person. Now both of them are out sick.

I will be working the majority of the weekend trying to get these things done this weekend because they have to be ready for some temps that are coming in on Monday.

I really wish this would have worked out. I really wanted to have it proven to me that I could trust other people. Now what?

Oh happy place, where have you been all my life???

2009-08-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

I'm starting this out by sending a few apologies out to some of my friends. I know I was a total jerk face this weekend by generally cocooning in my hovel. I'm sorry about that...I just reallllly needed some quiet time I guess. But perhaps you'll forgive me once you know that it was an amazing wonderful weekend. Yesterday was low-key and after my brain aneurysm of hate (re: previous blog) it felt good to just be. How very zen of me. Phil, are you proud?

Today I spent the day cleaning. My plan was to just do the standard vacuuming/pick-up/make presentable kind of clean. Instead, I attacked the house like a homemaker on crack. I cleaned every square inch of the main level and put the new vacuum cleaner to work. I still don't know whether to be pleased or utterly disgusted by the filth it pulled up. Oh well. I went grocery shopping and planned our meals for the week, cut up fruits and veggies, and all-in-all did a great job of prepping for breakfast and lunch-taking to work.

The laundry is just finishing and I will fold and put it away before cuddling up with a good book and falling into a comatose-like sleep.

I feel a bit refreshed and renewed and ready to take on a particularly stressful week. I didn't do the work I needed to this weekend but I'll be okay by my meeting in the afternoon. If I'd have gotten THAT done, I'd be running naked through the streets in a state of delirium. Thank God I didn't get it done, eh? :)

I raise a glass (sugar-free Kool-aid anyway) to all of you and hope that you all had wonderful weekends as well. I miss you all and hope that my funk has been banished to the depths of hell.

Dear PCOS

2009-08-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

Dear PCOS,

You really piss me off. Even your name - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - sounds like a stab in the gut. I'm really tired of your bullshit so I would like to request that you kindly go fuck yourself. Your insistence that I constantly carry around extra poundage, that I suffer 13 year old-esque acne, and your commitment to trifling with my monthly cycles is really enough for me to hire a hit man to hunt you down and punch you in the wiener. Because yes, I'm convinced you're a man. No woman would inflict this on another.

I've had enough. I have things I want to do and you keep getting in the way. The blood work, the numerous medications, and the inability for any medical professional to explain where you came from are making me tired. It doesn't matter to me that it's relatively common. It matters to me that that quite frequently I feel like a man. Really, the hirsutism (excessive hair growth) is only welcome on my head. I guess I should "thank" you for that. Meh!

So I would like to disrespectfully unsubscribe from this crap you're selling. This letter shall mark the severing of our "relationship." So again, kindly go fuck yourself and leave me the hell alone.

Sincerely,
Kris

I love my job. No really!

2009-07-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

I love my job. It wasn't what I thought I'd end up doing...just kind of fell into it. But I love it. I love that what I do so positively impacts others. That what I do holds some meaning. I enjoy the complexities of my job and the opportunities it affords me. I mean, how many people get a masters and a doctorate for free? Yeah, that's what I was thinking too.

So how come, these past few weeks, I've been so disengaged? I'm going through the motions, spending a little too much time on Facebook, and wondering when it's going to get exciting again. And that's not really fair. It's exciting right now! I'm just not into it.

You don't know it but I just paused for a good 20 seconds as I pondered the purpose for this post. There isn't one. Sorry about that. I guess I just needed to vent. Or was it that I was just looking for another way to piss away my day?

Being restless

2009-07-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

Are you ever restless? Like there's something missing but you can't quite put your finger on it? I've been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now. I'm generally "meh" with a side of "blah." I yearn for a day to do nothing and yet when I get one, I'm itching to find something to do. Only nothing ever seems to fit quite right. So I sit being restless never quite able to come up with a fix.

Maybe it's the weather (the calendar says it's July but I don't believe it). Maybe it's my job (but really, there are a lot of new and exciting things going on). Maybe it's the whole Jazzy situation. I don't know. Just wish I knew what to do about it.

What do YOU do when your restless?

The whole situation sucks

2009-07-08T09:04:00.000-07:00

No one faults us for not letting Jasmine live with us anymore. We do, though.

Yeah, last night we packed up her things and returned them to her at her Grandparents house. We both had a very, very hard time with it but it wasn't even the saddest part of the night. The saddest part was when she told her Grandmother and the response was, "Well, where will you live?" Ugh. No one wants her.

And so it goes

2009-07-06T10:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm not entirely sure how to start this blog. On the 4Th of July we didn't celebrate freedom at our house. In fact, we were on lock down. Bear with me as I tell the story.

Jasmine wanted to go visit her grandmother on the 4Th of July. Because her attitude has been progressively getting worse and because we had suspicions around where she really wanted to spend her time, we said no. This started earlier in the week and she became more and more sulky as the days wore on. When she saw her grandmother for their weekly visitation (Tuesday through Thursday) she decided to leave her things there instead of bringing them home which immediately set bells off for us. A 15 year old girl - Jasmine especially - having no desire to bring her make up with her?!?! Impossible! On Saturday, she spent the majority of her morning and early afternoon cuddled up with a teddy bear with the occasional tear streaming down her face. While this is sad and pulls on a gals heart strings, it was an act and I treated it as such. I'm heartless, doncha know.

By late afternoon, Jazzy was a mess and everything went downhill from there. She became belligerent and started screaming her demands. Blood-curdling screams that quite honestly, I have no idea how to handle. She was banging on the new furniture I had just bought and trying to run away. She tried to push me away from the front door so she could leave. When that didn't work, she tried to break out one of her bedroom windows. When Adam stopped her from doing that, she proceeded to starting hitting him - in the neck, the stomach, and the arms. She got one window open and proceeded to scream at our neighbor - who was minding his own business by walking across his driveway - to "let her out." I'm not saying I kept my cool during this entire mess. In fact, she elicited reactions from me that are not part of my personality and which I don't particularly like. But through it all, I tried to talk soothingly to her. I tried to cuddle her, to tell her I love her, and to try and calm her down.

In the middle of WW III, Jasmine admitted to more transgressions where she was still speaking to the 20 year old boyfriend. Things we have suspected for awhile (Adam even more so than I) but couldn't prove. She has a second My Space account that is a secret that she uses to communicate with him. Adam was sure of its existence weeks ago but I wasn't convinced. Goes to show who's better at these things. So herein lies the crux of the issue. It wasn't her grandmother she wanted to spend time with...it was EJ. We knew it and it's why we tried to prevent it.

After awhile of this (it could have been 15 minutes or 3 hours...I don't really know) both she and Adam were broken. She in her room, he on the deck, and both looking like they had died a little inside. Maybe a bit dramatic of a statement but I soon realized that this couldn't go on. Not even for a few more minutes. I told her to get her things together and proceeded to drive her to her grandmothers. I made it very clear to her that she wasn't going because she wanted to but because I didn't want her in my house. I told her that Adam and I have worked very hard to create a loving, stable environment for ourselves, for Dante, and now for her and that I'd be damned to let her ruin it. I told her she needed to do some thinking and that tomorrow (Sunday) we would talk it out over dinner and she could decide if she was going to shape up and live with us or if she would be elsewhere. Her psychotic, abusive behavior is not welcome in my home. I still smart over that decision. I think it was the right one for everyone's sanity, but the Taurus in me hates that she got her way by throwing a tantrum. I wouldn't do it differently but it still doesn't sit right. Adam and I spent the rest of the evening caved with our computers both so emotionally and physically spent, we nearly went insane.

On Sunday afternoon I called over to her grandparent's house to inform her that we would pick her up later that afternoon to have our promised conversation. She wasn't there. Turns out, she threw another fit for her grandparent's (the story is disjointed but it sounds like they backed us up) and left to spend the 4Th with a "friend" she hasn't spoken to in months. A 15 year old friend who recently found out she's pregnant...again. She went to fireworks and stayed the night...supposedly. Grandma called her and Jasmine called me to inform me that no, she wasn't coming home tonight. She hadn't yet made a decision. I lost my cool again, right in the Southdale parking lot.

We haven't seen her since Saturday...haven't talked to her since yesterday afternoon. Our home gradually released the stress and became a quiet, peaceful place again. My husband is starting to smile again, and I'm starting to wonder what exactly GUSBY has planned. Adam doesn't think he wants her back. He's probably 95% sure he wants to pack up her stuff and return it to her whenever she calls regardless of what her decision might be. I'm on the fence. Either decision is a good decision for different reasons and either decision is a bad decision for different reasons. There is no right decision here. Sure, there's a right one for us and probably a right one for Jazzy but I don't think those are one and the same. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that she will decide she wants to come back. Not because she's willing to give EJ up and change her behavior, but because she has it better with us. She gets new things and is given new opportunities. She's not so stupid that she doesn't see that.

I never expected this to be easy but I never expected it to be violent. Call me naive. I love her as if she were my own but I don't think I can help her. The problem is that not only can no one help her, nobody wants to. And then how can I turn my back?

Preparing the "nursery"

2009-07-01T18:56:00.001-07:00

When parents find they are with child, preparation of the nursery begins. Mothers choose paint colors, furniture and "themes" while Dads are usually delegated to make it all happen. There is much anticipation involved with the nursery. Will he/she like it? What is more masculine or feminine (as the case may be)? Alas, we're a bit late but tonight I made a trip to Target to prepare the "nursery" for my 15 year old "baby."

A few weeks ago she chose her own bedding. A blue/green set featuring butterflies. She talked about two blue walls and two green (which is yet to actually come to fruition). Adam promised her name, in graffiti, on her bedroom wall. She requested that be in pink. We acquired a hand-me-down desk from Nana and Papa and she is using our futon as her bed.

Tonight I went to Target and purchased one of those handy cube things for which I bought four pink fabric drawers. I bought a desk lamp, a couple basket/drawer organizers, and a mirror...all pink. We will put together/fix furniture and put in the finishing touches prior to her return home tomorrow evening.

Her room. Her very first room is starting to shape up. In her future will finally be paint...maybe some new curtains...and more finishing touches.

New friends

2009-07-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

I am a very lucky girl. In recent months, I have made a few new friends and they came at just the right time. I was starting to wonder if I had gotten to an age where I would make few, if any, new friends. And being that I've always been better at being "one of the guys", I think it's pretty awesome that they're women. I enjoy a good girls night out and the conversations that result.

My social life has picked up and that's never a bad thing.

But don't get me wrong. Old friends are pretty damn good too. So between the new and the old, I feel very blessed to call these people my friends. Special shout-outs to Phil, Kim, and Lisa! <3>

The dumbing down of the world

2009-06-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

Some call me the spelling and grammar Nazi (won't it be awesome if you find spelling and/or grammar errors in reading this post?). I believe email, text messaging, Twitter, Facebook, and other communication mediums are, in essence, creating an entire generation of lazy asses. Mind you, I partake in all of the above (save for Twitter since really, you all get enough of my thoughts via the blog or Facebook) but I do so with complete and coherent sentences. If I make a typo in my FB status, and notice after publishing it, I will go back and change it because I just can't let it sit out on the interwebs when it's incorrect. I feel like it makes me look like a complete moron and I know that it does because, well, that's what I think about everybody else.

Case in point. This morning I was schooled. Schooled by a drunk. When I informed her that her FB status didn't make sense, she informed me that I needed to be there to get it. No, no I didn't. instead of "is", she typed "4s." THE '4' KEY ISN'T EVEN BY THE 'I' KEY!!!

I'm a judgmental prick. What can I say?

Sensitivity training: count me out!

2009-06-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

Oh lordy lordy! Never did I think things would get this bad. Never did I think things would become such a big deal. Never did it occur to me that my coworkers were so incredibly delusional and petty. Disclaimer: I realize that by some people's definitions, I would also be considered delusional and petty.

I work in a relatively small department; allow me to paint a picture for you. There is the boss and coming down from there is a relatively flat department. There is a supervisor (she does operational type stuff) who has two direct reports who are the jacks of all trades of our group. Also coming down from the boss is the rest of us. Myself and one other individual have the illustrious word "lead" in our titles but really, no one really knows what that means. The rest have the same title just minus the ambiguous qualifier. Do you see the picture?

So this department is about 4 years old. In that time, we've had 6 bosses (no joke). I have been employed by Capella for 8 years. For a company started in 1993, you have to admit that's pretty damn good. Anyway, our group is an eclectic bunch. When your group of 10 is made up of a Jew, a gay, an ex Minnesota Vixen player, natives of France and Pakistan, a bible thumper, "the plant lady" and the soft spoken church mouse then you have some work on your hands. And no, I was not included in that list...quite obviously. Case in point our last "real" boss was a big fan of "everybody is the same and you're all equal so regardless of the amount of work you do to make yourself stand out, I'm never really going to acknowledge your superior work." As you can imagine, this in turn created a group of individuals who, for the most part, truly believed that everyone was as good as they were and that they were just as good as everyone else. But I'm sure you know where this is going. Everyone was not equally great. The department success was carried by three individuals (as was apparent through such metrics as "volume of work" and "award recipients." It took a long time but when the new boss came on, she began to recognize these differences much to the dismay of some and glee of others.

Roll all of this up, let it simmer for 8-12 weeks and then bring the team together to talk about community and collaboration. What are you going to get? A group of individuals (though, to be fair, only two were vocal in the conversation) who want to plan an off-site retreat for the team in order to strategically plan our departmental culture. What does that even mean??? Because if you want to know my blunt opinion on what our departmental culture should be, I will tell you this: "An environment that recognizes, values, and rewards hard work and determination." Or " A department where not all people are created equal." Or even, "A department that requires the slackers to ramp it up or get the hell out." But I'm pretty sure that those would be considered wrong answers. So where does that leave us?

If this group or individuals is allowed to say "we want it!" then shouldn't I have the right to say, "no thank you very much!"? I should think so! We've spent four years saying "yay you!" and never anytime coaching and respectfully pointing out areas for improvement. I'm tired of that. I don't have time for it. I screw up and when I do, I say hey buddy, sorry about that. My bad. I take responsibility and if someone gets a promotion or recognition that I would have wanted, I realize that there are probably some things I could do better and then I do it!

A lot has been said about our generation and our children. Apparently we're raising girls with princess complexes and boys who think they're amazing no matter what they do. We're allegedly not teaching them right and wrong and instead claiming that everything is a gray area. We're insulting their intelligence simply by buying into this whole politically correct "machine." And I hope to God that I don't do that and that none of you will either. No, don't raise jerks. Raise them to be compassionate but smart, fair but able to recognize and accept that life isn't fair.

So when this retreat happens (oh, and I think it's a given), you'll catch me in the corner, silently rocking as I mumble to myself and try not to spew all of this all over my coworkers.

They should report to Michael Scott.

Sometimes it's for keeps

2009-06-07T17:34:00.000-07:00

It's official. As of this writing, it is official that Jazzy will be living with us for the duration. 4 years to be exact. Jazzy didn't pass 9th grade this year. She did great work in the last quarter but it wasn't enough having failed the previous three. So in the fall Jazzy will start as a freshman at St. Louis Park High School. She will live with us and while it's a little bit scary for yours truly, it's a good thing. I enjoy her, and she appears to enjoy us.

Next up is actually getting her some furniture and decorating her room. She's never had her own room before and I want her to be able to have a comfy space that's all hers. She'll have a relaxing summer splitting her time with us and with her grandparents (though I doubt that will last the entire summer). We're going to get her signed up for dance lessons and hopefully find her a part-time job. The busier we keep her, the happier she'll be and the less likely she will be to get into trouble. Here's hoping anyway.

So stop on by and meet the newest addition to our family. :)

Girl meets boy, boy is old, mean aunt and uncle break up boy and girl

2009-05-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

Life is never dull with a teenager in the house. Jasmine is a sweet, caring, intelligent, and funny young woman. In a very short span of time (a month?) she has shown that she is incredibly insightful and is far smarter than what she has led her teachers and grandparents to believe. I say all of this to offset the times when I could literally pick her up and wring her neck! Oh don't get me wrong. I fully understand and appreciate that life is tough when you're a 15 year old girl. Because for those of you who don't know, I was one of those too. And she's in love. Remember 15 year old, head-over-heels, die-without-you love? I do. And so I understand why she was hysterical when she was banned...again...from the object of her affection. See, Adam and I aren't stupid. But the fact remains that we were trying to give Jasmine the benefit of the doubt and she kept pushing and pushing and telling so many lies that it came to a head last night.

We met with her teachers in the afternoon to find out how she was doing and what still needed to get done this school year. All in all, it was a positive visit. They have seen a marked improvement in her grades, participation, and overall demeanor. I would say that's the definition of success! Towards the end of the meeting I decided to ask them if they knew about her friend Ricky. We have been very suspicious of "Ricky" for various reasons. He came out of nowhere and was now "using" the phone of her ex-boyfriend (the 20 year old). When I had asked her grandmother about him the previous day, she hadn't heard of him. The teachers hadn't either. So when we got home I asked her about Ricky and how she met him and she continued her lie so Adam proceeded to call Jasmine's Mom. While not able to raise Jasmine and act as a mother, Jasmine tells Mary everything. And Mary confirmed that "Ricky" was indeed the 20 year old boyfriend as we suspected.

I'm sure you don't need the details of what happened after that. Heated discussions, fighting, tears, threats, etc. I tried to reason with Jasmine; to explain to her why a 20 year old shouldn't be with a 15 year old. I tried to relate to her; to explain that I too, at 15, was utterly in love with a 19/20 year old. None of this worked. We're relatively certain she, and he, already have plans for how they will talk to and see one another.

Maybe we'll get a day or two of peace before all hell breaks loose again.

Stupid #$%@ cashiers...

2009-05-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

Short post tonight. Earlier in the day Adam and I piled the kids (Jazzy, Dante, and Sophia) into the car to head to the zoo. Never mind the fact that the zoo was so packed, we couldn't get a parking spot and ended up going straight home. Totally dumb. Anyway, on the way out, we stop for gas. I go in with my trusty coupon (courtesy of Cub) and decide to purchase drinks and candy for the kidlets because I'm cool like that. Allow me to replay for you the conversation between myself and the cashier.

Kris: *piles 4 drinks and 2 packages of candy on the counter*
Cashier: *under his breath* Hmm....you have a sweet tooth.
Kris: Well, I have 3 kids in the car.
Cashier: Oh you DO, huh?

Um, excuse me? Do I need snide remarks from a cashier at Holiday? I don't think so! What an ass.

So today was our 6th anniversary. It was a beautiful day spent with the kids and Adam started building me flower boxes! Hurray! I'm such a lucky girl. :)

The 5k, the big 3-0, and other such happenings

2009-05-15T07:36:00.001-07:00

I am sorely behind in chronicling my experience at finishing my first 5k. Adam, my Mom, Kari, Eli, Phillio, and Princess ran, walked, and wogged the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on Sunday, May 10th. Adam and I were the "woggers" although it was more walking than jogging. Seeing as how the training was nonexistent, I had to accept my own limitations. However, I finished it and that's what I was aiming for. AND I did it in less time than I had hoped! So all in all, not a lot to complain about. The race was huge - about 50,000 people - so I didn't really like how crowded it was but at least that meant that there were plenty of people behind me! The race was on Mother's Day so I think she was sufficiently pleased to be doing a 5k with her daughters so there was a bonus! I remember way back when, she would sign us up for "fun runs" and really wanted us to get into it. Neither of us did. The day after the race, my parents found out that a friend of theirs had just been diagnosed with stage one breast cancer. Caught very early, there's no doubt that she will kick it. But it was very poignant and made my Mom very glad we chose that race.

On Monday, I will turn 30. I won't have completed my list but I'll have gotten closer to having done some things I really wanted to do and made a little bit of progress to improving myself. So I'm satisfied. I always find it ridiculous when people say that they have "no regrets" about their lives or decisions they've made. I don't believe them...sorry if you're one of them. I don't beat myself up everyday over the mistakes that I've made but I also wish things would have been different. So now at 30 I can say that despite my mistakes and regrets, I'm pretty proud of myself. And hell, I've got decades to try and get it right! :) Saturday night I will be surrounded by friends and family to celebrate my birthday. I'm looking forward to that and a big piece of cake.

Things are going well with our niece. We've had a few rough nights of fights and disagreements but she's still chugging away on her schoolwork. Maybe we'll get her pass the 9th grade. :)

So for those of you who are new and old friends and family, I <3 you. Thanks for being in my life and bringing to it that something special. I'm truly blessed.

Home alone!

2009-05-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

For the first time in two weeks, Adam and I are home alone in our new place of residence. Dante isn't with us this weekend and Jasmine is off with my in laws for a weekend of...staring at the wall. We could have kept her for the weekend but we're still getting used to this full-time parenting thing and we need some time for the quiet and each other. I feel a little bad saying that but there it is. I suspect we'll get more and more used to this life now that we're in it.

My MIL came to pick Jasmine up this afternoon. Prior to her arrival, Jazzy and Adam had a nice long talk about life, boys, and growing up. From what I hear, it was a great opportunity and they covered a lot of ground. By the time the MIL showed up, Jazzy was packed up and ready to go for the weekend. We already knew she wasn't overly thrilled since she thinks it's boring to be with them but she was in pretty high spirits. Upon first seeing Jazzy, my MIL immediately started in on her about the necklace she was wearing (the 20 year old ex-boyfriends necklace) and from then on, things were not so happy between them. In fact, I rarely see two people so unexcited to spend a weekend together. When Adam brought out Adam's homework and started going through what needed to be done this weekend for MILs benefit, it was met with a little sneer and whiny "But it's the weekend. I don't want to do any homework." This from my MIL. Jazzy didn't complain. But she does. Here in lies the problem folks. Why in the world would she be so unwilling to help her granddaughter pass the 9th grade? The only thing I can figure is that it was a response to the fact that she has a history of having major fights with Jazzy where homework is involved. Understandable but still not okay. So, we gave Jazzy the direction we know she needs and we gave MIL the direction we hope she uses and now we just cross our fingers.

So on tap this weekend are a few things. We certainly won't be sitting on the couch watching movies and eating ice cream. Tomorrow we'll be working lots on the bathroom with hopefully finishing mudding and then sanding and hopefully we'll at least get a coat of primer on the walls. I was hoping to get the painting done too but I'm losing my optimism. Sunday we "run" our 5k and then do Mother's Day celebrations with my Grandma and Mom, and then with the MIL. Upon returning Sunday night, we'll have Jazzy in tow. Hopefully her homework is done.

Maystones

2009-05-06T17:32:00.000-07:00

I'm copying Phil. Most of you know this because no doubt you've already read her blog. I loved so much hearing about all of her milestones in the month of June, I thought it was time to describe what I fondly refer to as "the month of Kris." The rest of you may know it as May.

May 10th - Mother's Day. No, I haven't birthed any biological babies but I've been a step mom for 7 years now so I figure I can claim the day.

May 18th - Celebrating 30 years of "being alive" as it was so eloquently stated by the Lanemiester (How do we feel about that nickname? Will it catch on?).

May 24th - Celebrating 6 years of not killing each other. That is, Adam and I will celebrate our 6th anniversary. How the hell did that happen?

And if you'll humor me just a tad (again, to copy the Lanemiester), on June 4th, I will celebrate (?) eight years with Capella. Eight official years that is. If you count my contracting time, I'll be halfway to 9. How did THAT happen?

It's no wonder I love spring. :)

Hmmm....full-time parenting

2009-05-01T05:46:00.000-07:00

So not only did we move in the past two weeks but we took our 15 year old niece into our home for the next 4-5 weeks while she finishes out the school year. Seeing as how she currently resides with my in-laws and we moved into their old place, she doesn't need to switch schools at the very end of the year. This all started on Sunday night. Jasmine (Jazzy as she likes to be called) has had a rough life...no doubt about it. Long, long story short, Jazzy's father (my brother-in-law) is in and out of jail/prison with a drug problem. Her mother abused and neglected her as a child before she was taken away by Child Protective Services when she was 3. Jazzy still talks to her but her mother still isn't capable of taking care of anyone.

Enter Adam and Kris, stage right. We're hoping we can have some sort of impact on her life over the next month. Probably wishful thinking but it's worth a try. I would like to regale you with an overview of our first 4 days together...

Monday - Jasmine's first day ever of having to get herself out of bed and out the door to school. I'm off work but I dropped Adam off at school and headed straight to Eagan to clean the old place after we moved all of our crap out. I call Jasmine to make sure she's up (which she is) and remind her to put the dogs in their kennels and lock the handle on the front door as she leaves. At approximately 7:40, already in Eagan, already having vacuumed a couple rooms, I notice I missed some calls. It is Jasmine. She has locked herself out of the house with no socks on and has now missed the bus. I hop in the car and drive allll the way back to SLP (pissed as all hell) only to arrive and discover OH MY DEAR GOD THE KEYS I WAS GIVEN DON'T WORK ON EITHER LOCK TO EITHER DOOR!!!! So I proceed to dump her in the car (ranting and raving the entire time) and head to Adam's school. Because folks, Adam wasn't answering his phone. It was charging in his locker while he was welding. Upon arriving at school, I march into the Weld lab and complete confuse him and at least one other random guy. I get his set of keys and head back to SLP where we did indeed get in the house and were greeted by two dogs who were thrilled we were home! So I get her to school, nearly an hour late.

Tuesday - I'm still off work, trying to get everything cleaned in one place and just making everything dirtier in the other. Jasmine calls me from school and leaves me a voice mail about wanting to go to Applebee's with her friend after school to celebrate the friend's birthday. "They'll pay for me and drive me home!" and all I need to do is call the school back and leave a message and they'll tell her if she can go or not. Being the totally awesome aunt, I decide I'm going to let her go. For those of you keeping track, this is my first mistake. So I call the school and say that I'm returning a call from Jasmine. They proceed to pull Jasmine out of class in order to take my call. I'm so not OK with this. In any event, I tell her she can go, that I want her home by 7 and if she's going to be late, to call me. A couple hours later, I get another call from Jasmine. Wait, they won't bring her home so I'll have to pick her up. I ask where this friend lives. Wait for them - here come mistakes 2, 3, and 4. This friend lives in North Minneapolis so I say ok (#2), I don't ask for a number for this friend (#3), and I tell her she needs to call me by 8pm (#4 for assuming it will happen). She doesn't call until 9:15 after I have strung myself out with worry and spastic-ness. Suffice it to say, I now know a little bit more about handling a 15 year old.

Wednesday - "Can I check my Myspace?" is the line we hear most often. She doesn't have access to a computer without permission which I am A-OK with. So she has to ask. Upon giving her permission to check Myspace, we discover that she is still in contact with the 20 year old ex/boyfriend she is no longer permitted to see or talk to. She has the audacity to claim that she thought she just wasn't allowed to talk on the phone with him! "It's just on Myspace, it doesn't count!"

Thursday - Parent teacher conferences at Jasmine's school. We insert ourselves since we're responsible for her for the next month. She hasn't done a single assignment in a single class so far this quarter and the previous two were similar. (Where the hell were my in-laws?) She's in danger of not passing the 9th grade. So, we got copies of her work and are now going to step her through each assignment in each class and get her caught up.

So there you have it. Just 4 full days with Jasmine and our lives are turned upside down. However, there's a chance that she's learning things as we go so I'm holding out hope for this one. I'd like to think that I could make a difference in her life. In fact, I know I can if she meets me half way.

Moving

2009-05-01T05:27:00.001-07:00

This post is a little late but at least I'm getting to it now. Last week we moved into the in-laws house. No, we're not living with them...just renting from them. They bought a bigger, shinier house on the opposite end of the twin cities and we agreed to be their renters for the foreseeable future on the old house.

Certain deals were struck prior to the move date and one such deal was the complete gutting and redesign of the bathroom. It was in rough shape. There was still wallpaper on the walls from when they bought the place 13ish years ago. The tub and surround were stained by hard water and rust from the pipes. The toilet never fully flushed and always left "surprises" to be found later. So the agreement was that while they would fit the bill for the bathroom, we (aka Adam) would do the work. And start he did!!! We had approximately two weeks between when they moved out and we moved in to get the work done. This is key as this is the only bathroom in the house. Upon removing the surround and wallpaper, it was discovered that there was mold...a lot of it. Half of the Sheetrock had to be removed and there was mold on the studs. As I was scrubbing the studs down, my mother-in-law looking over my shoulder, she says, "You know, a few months ago, I told Michael I could have sworn there was mold in here." Really? You suspected this months ago and didn't do anything about it? This is supposed to be helpful to me as I wonder if we're going to compromise our health by living here? Thank you oh so much. So once those were scrubbed down and the plumbing was replaced (to go from 2 knobs to one), waterboard and sheetrock were put up. But in the midst of all of this, my wonderful husband put in a new toilet and tiled the floor. It's not done yet. Mudding is not complete so of course painting isn't either. The surround needs another layer of caulk. The sink isn't in yet. But we're getting there. At least we can shower and potty. I call that a win!

In the midst of all of this, other things were taking place. For example, the pink carpeting (truly, it was pink) was replaced with a nice dark taupe color (perfect for hiding black dog fur). The kitchen faucet, which could only manage a weak dribble of water, was being cleaned out and drilled in order to provide some actual water pressure. Oh yeah...and our current home was being packed up, organized, and cleaned by yours truly.

Moving day went off without a hitch. In fact, it was impressive. Eight of our most wonderful friends and family converged on the townhouse on Saturday morning. 3 hours later we were fully moved and unloaded in the house. Mind you, that first hour was only J&J to whom I'm eternally indebted...or at least until they get their house and I move them. :)

We are now moved though far from settled. The bathroom isn't done yet, there is the most atrocious peachy pink flowered wallpaper up in our bedroom, and a slew of other fun projects yet to be undertaken. I need to prioritize. At some point, maybe I'll even post some pictures.

The Bathroom

2009-04-15T05:29:00.000-07:00

I have been remiss in sharing the story of the bathroom remodel. Seeing as how we're in the middle of it (oh hell, the beginning of it) I don't have a conclusion for you. You'll just have to wait for the big finish.

Upon agreeing to move into the in laws place, we negotiated the upgrade of the one and only bathroom. The idea was to replace the tub, the shower surround, the sink, the toilet, and at a later date, the floor. Not easy work mind you. Great people but not so great in the maintenance/cleaning department. And it needed help. Adam and I were going to do the work ourselves and got to pick out all of the items without having to pay for them. Easily probably the best shopping trip ever!

Work began in earnest over the weekend since they moved out and we had a couple of weeks until we moved in. I stayed home to pack while Adam and his brother Sean went to the house to start the demo work. I later heard that they found mold behind the surround. A lot of it. This now required us to rip out most of the walls and the floor so that we could get it out of the house, clean it up, and start new.

I keep telling myself it'll be beautiful when it's done but my GOD it's disgusting!

It's the beginning of the work day and already I'm exhausted. Just get me to May 1st!

Pack before moving. Please.

2009-04-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was moving day for the in laws. Notorious pack rats, M&P had a lot of stuff to move. Patricia was out of town on vacation with a friend so the moving team was headed up by Michael and made up of Sean, Lindy, Adam, myself, Dante (age 10), and Jasmine (age 15).

Lindy and I spent the entire first half of the day packing the kitchen, bathroom, closets, and office. The guys loaded the truck with those boxes, most of the big furniture, and tried to make a dent in the garage. The garage, coincidentally, was already packed for the most part...from when they moved to SLP (St. Louis Park) back in '95. Note: if you haven't opened a box in 14 years, you probably don't need it.

We finally quit packing and loading 4 hours in. We did not, by any means, empty the house. I'd say we got about half of their stuff into the 24' truck. We stopped for lunch and then headed out with a quick stop to let the puppies do their bidness.

Unloading the truck commenced by everyone slightly rejuvenated and working pretty quickly to try and get the stuff off the truck so that we could head back to SLP and do it again. We all started to slow down a little bit and soon Sean and Lindy had to head home to let Charlie do his bidness. At that point things got a bit hairy. I found out that at least 1/3 of the boxes we moved were garbage per Michael's assessment but since he didn't have a chance to go through them, we had to move them. Therefore we were to put them into the garage where they would be closer to the garbage can. Oy. Then Adam wrenched his back due to the fact that there was a shortage of communication between him and Michael while moving a mattress. Then the executive decision was made to put the remaining boxes in the garage instead of carrying them to their respective rooms. Unfortunately he didn't tell us where in the garage so they ended up getting mixed up with the throw away stuff.

Eventually we finished the first load at 8pm....11 hours after we started. No, we did not get a second load transferred last night. So now we're going to help Michael some night this week when he rents another truck.

Oh, and did I mention that we're moving in 3 weeks time?

8 weeks to go...

2009-03-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

There are 8 weeks left until my birthday and it's time to re-evaluate the list. Some revisions need to occur.

1. Run a 5k. Still planning to do this one but the goal is simply to run the majority of the race. So yes, some walking will be tolerated and expected.

2. Complete and pass the comprehensive exam. Complete!

3. Have brunch in my jammies. Date to be decided prior to our move to St. Louis Park. And yes, you need to be in your jammies too Philio.

4. Quit smoking. Complete!

5. Lose more weight. I'm not going to make it folks. It has now reached the point where I can't meet the goal in a healthy way...even training for a 5k. So this will be revised. Knowing what my weight is today, my goal will be revised to lose 15 lbs by the big day.

Two down, three to go.

It's not fair!

2009-03-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

Life isn't fair. And we've all known this for quite some time because for the most part, we've been told to suck it up. Nothing about this blog is going to be about sucking it up. It's going to be about the unfairness of losing weight when you're a fat girl.

This weight loss thing is sucking hairy butt lately. One time, and one time only, I will admit that for the past few months I have been wavering between "behaving" and blatant "misbehaving" when it comes to making good choices. That is why when the scale has gone up and down, I haven't complained much. I knew why and it was because I wasn't behaving. Last week I finally accepte4d that I have gained 6 lbs back. This is unacceptable!!!! So now I needed to do something about it.

So let's consider this week. I was out of town in NY which I was nervous about. I really wanted to do well this week but feared that with eating out 3 meals a day, I wouldn't be able to. And I proved myself wrong. I had tasty egg white omelette's, chicken breasts flattened to the thickness of card stock, and even some gelato. I did phenomenally! I also walked at least an hour a day at a brisk pace as I explored Times Square, Chinatown, and Little Italy. I felt really good about my week! I was tracking and remaining accountable to myself. So when I weighed myself on Thursday morning before heading to work, I was mortified to find that I was 1.5 lbs up from last week. WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?! WTF?!?!?!?!?!

Now I'm angry. I BEHAVED this week. I did what I was supposed to do! I got more exercise than I normally do. What the hell is going on?! Make it stop!!!! Unacceptable. Completely, utterly inappropriate and inexcusable. Now what?

I find myself irrationally angry at skinny girls. Sure, I've been told that they know when to stop or that they only overindulge occasionally, that they know the "everything in moderation" mantra. I've been told that they exercise A LOT to make up for it. But let's be honest. No they don't. At least not all of them. And I was on a trip with a woman with a practically concave stomach who ate rich pastas, pizzas, and desserts all week. When she had pancakes or waffles for breakfast, she would cut off a bite, douse it in syrup from the bottle, eat and repeat. UNFAIR!

Last night I had a temporary moment of "fuck it!" and went a bit overboard with the reduced fat Ritz crackers...a whole sleeve except for those given to Zeus and Tuck in an effort to make me feel as if I wasn't eating an entire sleeve of crackers for no particular reason.

So this morning I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and will try again. Because that's all I know how to do.

My thoughts on...runners

2009-03-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

I'm bloggeriffic these days. I can't help but constantly commit my every whim and/or thought to virtual paper in hopes that someone - or maybe no one at all - will read it.

What is up with you runners? Actually no...a generality is not appropriate here. But I have found something to be true a fair amount of the time as it relates to those who run. There is an aspect of elitism. I aspire to be a runner so apparently I have elitist tendencies. I'm just not there yet. So when I state as such, why would you say that you are disappointed? Because my friend, you don't have a right to be disappointed in what I do or do not do.

This begs the question. Why am I so bothered that you are disappointed? I don't know. But that little comment has wormed its way to the core of my being and it is nesting there. It's like a toothache - it hurts to apply pressure but my God you can't stop! So there it is, wiggling on the nerve endings of my soul making my rate of annoyance slowly creep up.

Maybe it bothers me because I'm disappointed. Because I am. I should be on this train by now. But I'm allowed to be disappointed. You, again, are not. But perhaps the shame you make me feel will propel me out the door for even a few minutes of pavement pounding. However, I have to get ready for date night with one of the non-elitist runners I know. So, probably not.

/rant

My thoughts on...crying

2009-03-06T18:03:00.000-08:00

Do you cry often?

I realized that somewhere along the line, this ceased to be a way in which I exercised emotional release. I'm not really sure when it happened but I'm relatively certain it has been a couple years since I've had a really good cry. When I'm sad or frustrated (usually frustrated) I will feel that burning sensation that comes from your eyes welling up. But then the oddest thing happens...nothing. Maybe a tear trickles down but I don't have the heaving, snot-filled, puffy-faced sobs to which I had once been accustomed.

So then I start to wonder why. Am I emotionally stunted? Am I incapable of truly feeling sadness? And what I have come up with is a confidence-inducing "maybe." When I think back, and think really hard, I can pinpoint the last time I had a gut-wrenching liquid response to something. It was horrible. It was bar none the worst experience of my life; one I hope to never replay. So in that one horrific situation, did I use up everything I had for this lifetime?

So now if you hear me say I cried about something, rest assured it probably involved a welling up and a trickle or two. Please don't think that I wasn't truly sad/heartbroken/hurt because that has nothing to do with it. I just can't cry anymore.

Hair

2009-03-05T05:36:00.000-08:00

Does anyone read this thing? Time to see. I need some opinions as I'm going to get my hair cut. I want a style but I still want to be able to pull it back into a ponytail. Here are some pictures I found. Let's vote and/or make suggestions. I am partial to the first. What say you?

Things to keep in mind: I don't like to invest too much time in my hair on an average day. Needs to be easy. My hair is naturally curly/wavy. We should embrace this...fighting it only leads to heartache.

Check it out...it's Aunt Becky!!! Oh, and by the way, I wish I still remembered basic HTML code so I could have put these pictures side-by-side. But it appears that room had to be made for my comps so that got pushed out in favor of multiple intelligences theory.

I think I might have...but maybe not...but possibly...you never know.

2009-03-03T06:12:00.000-08:00

I think I may have settled on a dissertation topic. One can never be sure however seeing as how I tend to change my mind on these things a thousand times over. However, I came up with this topic last night around 5:30 and it's still with me 15 hours later so I'm taking that as a good sign. This here topic is sticky.

I will preface this with a little lesson on dissertation writing. As long as you cite your sources, there's really no such thing as cheating or stealing. Many faculty and friends have given me the advice that if I want to be done quickly, I should find a dissertation and replicate it making one minor change. Sweet. So last night I did some research through a database of dissertations (and side note, I never thought I would find that type of research interesting but again, I've been proven wrong) and stumbled upon a gem.

Essentially, it is the measurement of quality in online education. An area sorely lacking and in need of further research / discussion / development. So this morning, I'm working through the pre-proposal where I will need to identify the topic, the research problem, the research questions, the methodology, the data collection characteristics, the data analysis practices, the literature review topics, and the list goes on. Another milestone! My hope is to have it drafted by lunch on Thursday where I have plans to be coached by a colleague. Hopefully he can find ways to rip it to shreds before I submit it to my mentor. I'm sure he will. He's good at that kind of thing. Then I'll submit to my mentor and go from there.

150 days and counting...

Saturday morning

2009-02-28T06:45:00.000-08:00

I'm awake. The sun is shining and it looks just beautiful outside. I suspect it's one of those days where the sunlight is actually a warning for the bitter ass cold you will encounter upon exiting the building. The puppy is cuddled up next to me. I'm not sure what's going on. All last night and now this morning, it's as if I have no personal bubble. Or I just share it with Tuck. It's cute but starting to become annoying.

I have to leave the house in about 30 minutes to go to WW. I skipped last week. It's not going to be good news. But as much as I love junk food and gorging my face, I am jumping back onto the WW train. Because the way I figure it, I have 11 weeks to hit my birthday goal. And in order to do that, I am going to need to lose over 2 lbs per week. Oy. Of course, I need to start training for that damn 5k so that should help but we are now at the point of aggressive weight loss. I can do it!!!!

I have to go to the grocery store this morning too. Stock up for the coming week and whatnot. Ice cream is on sale. :) And don't worry, this doesn't fly in the face of the aggressive weight loss...it's fat free ice cream that is probably the most divine thing I have ever tasted.

I just covered my dog up because he was shivering next to me. Perhaps shaving him last week was a little early in the season.

I need to write a pre-proposal for my dissertation. Only 1-2 pages but it requires me to actually nail down a topic and a methodology. I want to do this soon seeing as how I'm giving myself five months to write the damn thing. I should probably set aside some time to work on that.

There's a lot of laundry that needs to be done. Adam has his pile on the closet floor (love you but ARGH!) and I have filled the hamper. I'm sure Dante's hamper is full too. I should work on that today too.

What IS it about Saturdays? It's not a day to go with the flow and do whatever you want. It is a day to try and catch up from the previous 6. If you're lucky, you can get it all done on Saturday so that Sunday's can be a little bit more fun. Of course they'll always be tainted with the knowledge that you have to go back to work tomorrow.

The dog is still shivering. I'm a mean mommy.

This afternoon we head to St. Cloud to have dinner at the Stenman household! Eli's cooking for us and I'm super pumped. Sounds like it should be amazing!!! We never do stuff like this with my family whereas we do it with Adam's nearly weekly. I'm glad we're getting the chance.

More concerns with Adam's niece. I think we'll end up with her sooner or later. Sometimes I wonder if Gusby is chuckling and wondering how we haven't gotten the hint yet.

So there you have it. A blog that was my very own Seinfeld. You got it...a blog about nothing.

10 Things I Would Like to Say to 10 Different People

2009-02-25T05:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I saw someone do this via a note on Facebook and I thought it looked like fun. But the fact remains that a note is just a glorified bulletin (a la Myspace) and I'm convinced no one really wants to read that crap. So what better place to put it than on my blog?

1. That doesn't match.

2. You slept with your Driver's Ed instructor, didn't you?

3. Excuse me, but I believe my paycheck is missing a zero.

4. BINGO!

5. Suddenly, without any effort, I wear a size 4.

6. Andrew McCarthy knows the meaning of life and I know where to find him.

7. I finished my dissertation.

8. Your baby is fugly.

9. Are you sure that's not cancerous?

10. That's what she said!

Boredom

2009-02-22T17:31:00.000-08:00

I wish my friends wrote blogs more often.

And they call her ABD!

2009-02-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

That's right folks! I have passed the comprehensive examination! No rewrites. I am moving forward to the dissertation and because of that, I am now considered ABD - all but dissertation. So for those of you counting, that's another list item completed...we're trucking along. I would write more but I have the attention span of a 10 week old puppy right now. WEEEEEEEE!

For Funsies

2009-02-19T08:54:00.000-08:00

Because it's fun to write a blog when you have a meeting starting in 5 minutes. Correction, two meetings. Which one should I go to? It's like the Russian Roulette of the cube universe.

However, I have already digressed.

The purpose of this blog is only to highlight what my dear coworker wore to work yesterday. It happens often and it is like a train wreck in that any sane person cannot simply look away. And without any further ado:

Baby blue and white striped velour collared top. (No, it wasn't really velour but it was that material you can't find anymore that hit it's height of popularity in the late 70's and early 80's and for which I have no name.)
Peach corduroy jeans. (Yes, they really come in peach. Who knew?)
Navy blue or black nylons/tights. I'm not sure of the color. I lean towards navy blue because in said coworkers world, that would tie in the baby blue of the shirt.
Orange strappy sandals. On February 18th. Because that's how she rolls.

I don't write it (figuratively speaking), I just report it.

Phew! One minute to spare!

Things I think are dumb

2009-02-16T17:51:00.001-08:00

There is no real reason for this blog other than the fact that my dear, sweet husband is watching "Max Payne" and I'm finding it to be a little on the boring side.

It seems to me that there is a rash of stupidity running rampant and there's nothing that can be done to stop it. Sure, it would probably help if we stopped talking about it and ceased to give the perpetrators the attention they so obviously crave, however, that's no fun.

In no particular order:

1. OctoMom. Seriously this woman is everything that is wrong with people. 14 children? Sure, ya know, everyone has the right to have as many children as they want. Even if I and the majority of the world thinks they're insane. However, I believe that the number of children you have should be constrained by the number you can afford. How many can Nadya afford? None.

2. Chris Brown. You decide to kick Rhianna's ass and you run the risk of Jay-Z coming after you. That's just stupid.

3. Joaquin Phoenix. That guy is crizaaaaazy! I don't know why he think his hip-hop career is worth pursuing (he allegedly fell off the stage at his first show) but he apparently feels as though acting isn't what truly makes him shine. I hope the hip-hop makes me laugh as hard as his appearance on Letterman.

4. Winter. Why does it never end? Why is it still chilly and overcast? It does not instill happiness in my heart. Instead, it makes me grumpy and generally displeased with life.

5. Comps readers. WHY AREN'T THEY DONE READING YET? Is it that hard? Just give me the pass and let's move along! *sigh*

The Questions

2009-02-11T18:50:00.001-08:00

It has been killing me. Ever since I received my comprehensive exam questions, I've wanted to share them with all of you. However, since it's an exam, I was prohibited from sharing and/or discussing them with anyone. Today I submitted my paper and received confirmation that it was received by my comps mentor so I felt as though I was free to share them now. Hopefully I will find out within the next week that I passed. So without any further ado, here they are:

1. Researchers use a qualitative, quantitative, or mixed framework to research premises, ideas and theories (Creswell, 2001). Describe the benefits and limitations of qualitative, quantitative, and mixed research. Analyze the advantages and disadvantages of each approach for conducting research in critical thinking as it relates to teaching adult learners.

2. In the preface to "The New Update on Adult Learning Theory" (2001), Merriam states: Adult learning is probably the most studied topic in adult education. The learner, the learning process, and the context of learning form the cornerstone of the field of adult education. Whether one is planning or administering programs or counseling adults, or is directly involved in the teaching-learning transaction, adult learning is at the heart of our practice. (p. 1) Describe, compare and contrast three foundational theories of adult learning. Evaluate the effectiveness of each of these theories in developing successful strategies for teaching adult learners.

3. Leading change in adult learning programs in higher education is a primary function of administrators (Caffarella, 1994). From adult learning research, develop a synthesis of commonly-used ways higher education administrators prepare stakeholders for implementing and carrying out policy and program change. Using a case example of implementing change in a higher education policy or program, evaluate the effectiveness of a leadership change process and outcome.

T - 24 Hours

2009-02-10T22:23:00.000-08:00

At this time tomorrow night, my comps responses are due. Pair together my penchant for procrastination and a work project that appears to require all of my time and my first born, and you may see why I have been writing non-stop for the past few days. Yes, I started before that. I had a lot of research and outlines done for two of the three questions but there was about 75% more to do. So now on the eve of their submission, I'm in pretty good shape. Two of the responses are done (although that doesn't include editing and clean-up) and the third one is close. I have a list of the things I want to do with that one that I can totally handle tomorrow.

Right now, my biggest problem is length (that's what she said!). My responses (not counting my title page or my references) are supposed to equal 50 pages. I can distribute those pages however I like across the three responses but they should be relatively equal. Well, that means we're looking at about 16 pages per response, give or take. Response three is currently at 14, response two is currently at 12 (and those are the two that are done). Response one is currently at 12 and I'm thinking I'll had 3 or so more pages than that one. That leaves me at 41. That seems too far away from 50 to be acceptable so I'll do the regular "wordy dance" tomorrow night before I submit. I hate that. I get page limits but in practice, they're BS.

Anywho, I'm not exactly tired but I am fried so I'm calling it quits for the night. In a perfect world, I'd be done by dinner time tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath.

Kids

2009-02-06T20:40:00.000-08:00

So what's the story with kids? They're cute as buttons and hell on wheels. Dante is a good kid. He's a great kid, actually! He's smart, he's funny, and he's always been extremely well-behaved. Of course he has his moments but he's never been an embarrassment to bring out in public, nor do we have more than a handful of stories of home-based wars.

Lately, he's pushing his boundaries. It's annoying (to be quite honest) but even I have to admit that he's not obnoxious about it. He tries to argue his point but I have yet to hear a solid, coherent basis for his arguments. He doesn't throw temper tantrums anymore. He's actually sulking less. Essentially, he just...argues.

Take for example something that happened earlier this evening. Adam was telling me what time it was and then converted it to military time...although, incorrectly. He said 9:44 pm was equivalent to 17:44. When I correct him and said it was actually 21:44, he agreed, we laughed, and I thought were ready to move on. Except that Dante decided that this was worth his new found assertiveness and proceeded to argue that it was, indeed, 17:44.

Now with it being bedtime we frequently hear "But it's Friday!" or "My Mom lets me stay up later than this!" or my personal favorite "I'm not making promises but I could maybe take a nap tomorrow." After Adam sent him to bed, he came back downstairs to dig his bionicle out of his jacket. When I asked him if he was going to bed like he was supposed to, he shook his head no. This stuff sends me through the roof quick but I chose to let this be their war. It took two trips of Adam going upstairs to get him to go to bed and I'm not overly convinced that a third trip isn't in the future. Dante, both times, was sitting in bed getting ready to watch some late night cartoon action.

He's getting older. That much is obvious. But man....these phases suck!

Am I the only one?

2009-01-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

I don't think I am. My Mom finds it funny that I'm a goal-setter. Am I the only one? It's just that I like to have something to work towards and I have found that if I don't identify exactly what I want, I feel as though everyday is the same and I just...exist.

So with all of these goals I have before my birthday, I feel like I'm making progress. I'm not just existing...I'm actually accomplishing a little more each day. That's a great feeling! And I won't make it a secret that I have added many goals to the list I have published for public consumption. It's just a secret what they are. They're a little more personal. Some have even come from shame. And those are things I'm working towards on my own. By definition that means that they are probably more difficult than the five I've shared with you but I don't need you all to know when I succeed. I don't need my pat on the back from someone else. My own celebration in my mind will be enough.

So this is an audience participation blog. What are YOUR goals?

This is way more fun than writing comps responses!

2009-01-26T09:42:00.001-08:00

***Why has no one voted in my super cool, nice and shiny poll? Is it that much work? Is it too much to ask? I just wanted to have a cool poll, dammit!***

If only they'd let me submit a blog instead of a comps response question. I could sit here all day and wax poetic about my annoying dogs, my cold feet, or even the pros and cons of daytime television. Alas, this is not what I should be doing. What I should be doing is researching and writing about adult learning theory, higher education administration, or even research itself. But man is that boring! I've sketched out two of three papers. That's progress right?

So as my very own method of therapy, let's review what sucks about this whole experience.

The library is virtual.
This is a problem folks. A big problem. Why you ask? Virtual libraries work fine for articles and whatnot but what I'm quickly learning is that largely my research is going to need to come from books. And since the library is a non-entity, I must use inter-library loan. It takes approximately 4 weeks to get a book. And seeing as how I only have two weeks left to write.... Bah!

The topics bore me.
Writing a paper about research? Really? Is that necessary? Probably not. And while the third question is pretty interesting, I'm not smart enough to know where to start. So yeah.

I don't like timed writing.
This has been true for the individual courses as well. I don't like that I only have four weeks for this. I don't like that I feel guilty for putting it down. And I don't like that it's majorly bad if I walk away from it for a week. As I have for this past week. Yay.

I want it to be over.
Time to move on. Time to be done. And it would be really nice to pass.

So I apologize for the whiny blog. I'm just so tired of this already. I want to take my second nap of the day. I want to be able to sit down with someone and just talk these through. They don't have to give me answers...they just have to have a conversation with me so I can formulate and order my thoughts. It helps me A LOT to be able to do this and I am just now realizing how much I miss it.

Let's check in on the list...

2009-01-21T05:21:00.001-08:00

It's about that time where a) a blog feels appropriate and b) we should check on the list. Way back on a November 17th post, I identified the five things I wanted to do before I turned 30. And really, the list is chock full of some pretty major stuff so let's take a look at how I'm doing.

1. Run a 5k. I haven't started training. It's too cold. My dear friend Becka (personal trainer extraordinaire) has given me an 8 week couch to 5k plan so I figure, if I start mid-March, I should be good. And I'll pretend the weather will be warmer then. Grade: F.

2. Complete and pass my comprehensive exam. Well, the questions were received last week and I have started on question 1 (of three). I'm taking some time off around the weekend to get some more work done and anticipate that I'll be taking more time before my four weeks are up. Grade: B-.

3. Have brunch in my jammies. By far the easiest thing on the list and it is being postponed until warmer weather. So start thinking late April/early May. Grade: A (for putting something this cool on the list).

4. Quit smoking. Today starts day 8 without a cigarette and I don't miss them much. I have moments but that's to be expected. I'm optimistic that I can stick with this! Again, someday I will write my ode to Chantix. Grade: A+.

5. Lose more weight. Alright so this is getting slapped around due to #4 but I can hold out and let my body and my metabolism re-regulate. I've done a MUCH better job this week watching what I eat, measuring, etc. and this morning, the scale was 1.6 lbs lower. That's not an official weigh in but a good measure of progress. So we'll keep this up. There's still plenty of time before the big 3-0 to hit the 199.9 lb mark (and yes, that would be perfectly acceptable). Grade: B.

I'm under a lot of stress right now. Don't get me wrong, I know everyone is. I need to find new and better ways of dealing with it (chocolate cake and chain smoking are no longer an option). I could probably amp up that whole exercising thing. I don't know what it is about exercising that I find so difficult. It isn't that it's hard. I just don't like it. And no matter what I do or for what length of time I do it, I can never get to that alleged point where it's fun/enjoyable/addicting. Maybe it never will. I just need to push past it and make it a habit. It's certainly easier to stick with it in the summer. I know Zeus misses his walks.

I continue to believe that there are good things on the horizon. Life feels a bit rocky right now and I know that there will continue to be moments like this. I haven't always dealt with them in the best or most productive way but I'm working my way through this one pretty well. I'm learning a lot about myself these days and feeling like I'm growing up a teensy bit. That can't be half bad, right?

And let's talk about 30 for a second. I've made a big to do about turning 30 and I've talked about it a lot expressing dismay at reaching this age. Truth be told, I'm not afraid of 30. I feel that there's a level of wisdom that comes with being in your 30's and I welcome it. There's a sense of maturity with it too. And maybe one of these days I won't be pretending I'm a grown-up, I'll actually be one. Sure, I've learned a few things in the past 29 years. But that's a different blog all together...

Updates

2009-01-15T08:57:00.000-08:00

It's that time again. Time for updates.

Many of you (ha! 4 readers on a good day!) may have noticed that there were two items on my "before I'm 30" list that may contradict one another. For those of you who were able to pick those out, congratulations, it's your fault.

First, the good news. I have quit smoking. Yesterday was the first day I officially had no cigarettes...not even a puff! And except for a short episode this morning, I haven't really wanted one. Yes, I had an urge but I think that was an urge to get the f*ck out of the office to be honest. In any case, I'm pleased. When Adam lights up, I scrunch up my face and wonder how it could have possibly ever tasted good! I do suspect my sense of smell and taste are returning with a vengeance. Joy. But the second part of the good news is that on Tuesday Adam took the plunge and got his own prescription for Chantix. He started yesterday and we are on our way!!! In a future blog, I will share my ode to Chantix. I do believe it is the greatest thing ever created.

Okay, the bad news. The contradiction. The oh shit moment. I have put on 2 lbs. Could be more. We'll find out on Saturday. How is this happening? Yes, I'm eating more. And yes, I'm doing a crappy job of measuring. But folks, the only thing (in my mind) that can explain such a LARGE gain is the fact that my metabolism has plummeted. But don't worry. This will NOT change my mind on the no smoking thing. I feel blissfully wonderfully insanely great and I wouldn't trade that for the world. I just need to get creative to at least stop the gain.

In other news, the comps questions arrived yesterday. They are not nearly as scary as I assumed they would be. In fact, they are quite manageable. I have devised a plan of attack and have figured out how I will work over the next 4 weeks. I'm looking forward to it and actually started digging into the research this morning (work shmerk).

Let's see. What else can I think of to tell you? It's freakin' cold outside and I hate it. Yes I live in Minnesota. Yes, I love it 8 months out of the year. That doesn't mean that I can't whine a little about the 4 months I hate. I live here because my family and friends do. If I could get them all to agree, we would all move someplace warm. I still require a difference in seasons however. Someday.

Grandma is in Texas (with Grandpa) and so far, no one has broken anything. It doesn't look like there will need to be any emergency trips to Texas this year. Thank God in heaven.

I hope you're all cuddled on the couch with your pet of choice (yes, this counts boyfriends/husbands) eating ice cream or cake and enjoying your favorite 80's movie on TV. And if you're not, my condolences.

An Ode to Adam

2009-01-12T06:09:00.000-08:00

It's about damn time I gave Adam his due. For he is wonderful. Let me list the ways:

1. He's hilarious! Especially when he's not trying to be. As in when he's grumpy. Or hungry (only slightly, after that it's not so funny).

2. His giggle is infectious and always makes me smile. I particularly like when he can't help but laugh when I look him in the eye. No, I do not take offense.

3. He's a damn good Dad and I can say that because I've seen him grow into it.

4. I'm starting to think that I love absolutely nothing more than when I can prove him wrong or point out a time when he used a word incorrectly or misspelled it. Oh how it drives him crazy!

5. The sweet things he does for me. Like taking the dogs out when its cooooollllld and I'm in my jammies. Or giving me front door service at the grocery store.

6. The fact that he's so damn good at pretty much everything he does. Case in point. My Mom "taught" me how to knit. I sucked at it and by the time I got home, I had forgotten how. I tried explaining it to him (in a very disjointed fashion since I couldn't remember half of it) and within minutes, there he was knitting and purling away!

7. The way he can be so dang positive about things. He can convince me of anything with no proof other than "because I know."

8. Visions of him at the computer playing his games with his 3D goggles and his headset with microphone. It happened. Truly.

9. The time he ate half a pumpkin pie (or was it the whole thing?) and an entire Chipotle burrito in 1.5 hours.

10. Adam drinking wayyyy too much Jag = Me being able to push him out of a chair with little more than a nudge.

Oh you are so much fun. I enjoy you.

Boredom and motivation

2009-01-06T07:18:00.000-08:00

These two characteristics tend to run rampant for me this week. What is up with that? I haven't been fully and completely entertained in at least a week (no offense to those of you who have hung out with me, Adam especially) and my motivation level is lowwww. I find that I want to eat pretty much constantly. I'm positive that if I allowed myself, I could eat an entire 1/2 gallon of ice cream in one sitting. If it's fat free, is it that bad?

I know what this is. This is a combination of three distinct happenings in my little world. Number one, we're a little bit broke until payday. We just had a little too much fun over the holiday season. And that's okay, it's just that I can't afford to distract myself from happenings two and three until Thursday. Number two, Christmas is over. I love Christmas (I know, I've mentioned this before) and now it's over. I have to wait another whole year before I get to celebrate again. And that's a little sad. And finally, number three. We are entering the dead of winter. It's cold. Uncomfortably, horribly cold outside. It makes me not want to leave the house. It makes me want to sleep. It makes me want to eat comfort food. Constantly. I'm just not a fan of winter.

The problem with all of these things happening at the same time is that I have comps starting this week. That's a big deal. I need to pass this if I want to write a dissertation! I need to motivate! I need to get started! And all I can do is surf the Internet, post on Facebook, and plan parties for when I finish the comps that I haven't started yet.

So forgive my whine fest. Yes, I'd like some cheese. Oh look, it's the world's smallest violin! Yes, yes, and yes again. I get it. I'm grabbing myself (that's what she said!) by the bootstraps and forcing motivation down my throat (she said that too)!

I am done. I hope Old Man Winter puts a skip in your step.

50 mother-truckin' pounds!

2009-01-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

I just want to take this opportunity to announce that I have now officially lost 50 lbs!

That is all.

Happy 2009!

2009-01-01T18:07:00.000-08:00

Ah, 2009. We are now officially into my 30th year (calendar-wise, anyway). Craziness. I hope the new year brings wonderful things to all of you. I have absolutely no doubt that great things are coming to me. :)

Alas, it is time for an update on The List. One such item was to quit smoking by my 30th. A couple of weeks ago I began taking Chantix. It is a stop smoking drug that blocks nicotine from getting to the brain. Essentially that means that you can't derive any pleasure from smoking. Well apparently that is true. I haven't quit completely but the number of cigarettes I smoke in a day is down 75%! Who would have guessed! The only side effects I'm really experiencing are vivid dreams (nothing upsetting, just constant dreams all night long all of which I remember when I wake up) and nausea for 30-60 minutes after I take the medicine. It's manageable and I'm learning how much I need to eat prior to taking it to offset the nausea. All in all, I'm extremely pleased and am doing my part to break the habit of smoking which is separate from the urge. I just need to see this through.

Adam came down with a cold overnight. Alcohol can help exacerbate these things so hopefully he's back in tip top shape sooner rather than later. School starts again on the 5th!

And speaking of school, the comprehensive exam starts on Monday. Week one will be spent writing my goal statement and the actual exam will start sometime during week two. 28 days to write responses to 3 questions totaling 50 pages. I thought it was 35 days but goes to show how I don't know what the hell is going on. Let's hope I can make it through and pass on the first try!